082216 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES BY MARC CHERRY WRITER'S FINAL DRAFT AUGUST 12, 2003

FADE IN: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY We're DRIVING down a tree-lined suburban street. We finally stop at a well-kept UPPER MIDDLE-CLASS house complete with white picket fence. MARY ALICE (V.0.) My name is Mary Alice Scott. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. CLOSE-UP - MARY ALICE SCOTT The camera pulls back to reveal an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN HER EARLY 30'S wearing gardening gloves, emerging from the house. She crosses to the flower bed and begins pruning. MARY ALICE (V.0.) Normally there's never anything newsworthy about my life. But that all changed last Thursday. INT. SCOTT HQUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Mary Alice's HUSBAND AND SON are seated at a table. She is busy serving them BREAKFAST. MARY ALICE (V.O0.) Of course everything seemed quite normal at first. INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY Mary Alice puts some clothes into the WASHING MACHINE. MARY ALICE (V.0.) I performed my chores. EXT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY Mary Alice emerges from a dry cleaners with some CLOTHING encased in PLASTIC. MARY ALICE (V.O.) I ran my errands.

EXT. SCOTT HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY Mary Alice paints some LAWN FURNITURE. MARY ALICE (V.O.) I completed my projects. INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Mary Alice ADJUSTS bric-a-brac around the room. MARY ALICE (V.0.) In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day. Quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection. INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Mary Alice stands completely still in the middle of the IMMACULATE room. MARY ALICE (V.O.) Which is why it was so astounding when late last Thursday afternoon... INT. SCOTT HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY Mary Alice stands on a chair and reaches up to the top shelf of the hall closet. She brings down a REVOLVER. MARY ALICE ...I decided to take a loaded gun from the hallway closet and empty its contents into my head. CLOSE on A GUN FIRING. MARY ALICE falls to the floor. We see what appears to be BLOOD spreading out over some tile. As a woman's HAND begins to wipe it away... INT. HUBER HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS ...we PULL BACK to reveal it's the hand of EDITH HUBER, & plump woman in her late 40's, who has just spilled some TOMATO SAUCE onto her kitchen counter. She wipes it up when she suddenly HEARS something from outside.

MARY ALICE (V.O0.) My body was discovered by my next-door neighbor, Mrs. Edith Huber, who had been startled by what she would later describe to the police as a strange popping sound. EXT. BER HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY Edith crosses to the FENCE and JUMPS up several times trying to PEER OVER. Seeing nothing, she goes back inside her home. MARY ALICE (V.O.) Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber quickly tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. INT. HUBER HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Edith crosses to her pantry, and pulls out a BLENDER that has a piece of TAPE on the side. CLOSE ON TAPE: "PROPERTY OF MARY ALICE SCOTT." MARY ALICE (V.O.) After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before. EXT. HUBER HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY Edith exits her front door, CARRYING THE BLENDER, and crosses to Mary Alice's front door. She KNOCKS. She waits for a response. Nothing. She goes to the side of the house and peers in the window. She suddenly sees Mary Alice's lifeless BODY. She SCREAMS. INT. HUBER HOUSE -~ KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Edith runs in, puts the BLENDER on the counter and quickly picks up the PHONE. MRS. HUBER Hello?! You've got to send an ambulance! It's my neighbor - omigod - there's blood everywhere! Yes! I think she's been shot! Please. You've got to send someone now!

(. Edith HANGS up the phone. She stands for a beat, TEARY-EYED. MARY ALICE (V.O.) And for a moment, Mrs. Huber wept in her kitchen, overcome by this senseless tragedy. But only for a moment. If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side. Edith reaches down to the blender and RIPS off the tape that reads OF MARY ALICE SCOTT'. She then puts the BLENDER back into her PANTRY. FADE OUT. END OF TEASER

ACT_ONE FADE IN: EXT. SCOTT HQUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY A SUNNY afternoon. Various people are walking up to the house, dressed in BLACK and carrying COVERED DISHES. MARY ALICE (V.O0.) I was laid to rest on a Monday morning. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And, as people do in these situations, they brought food. EXT. SCOTT HOUSE - SIDEWALK - DAY CLOSE ON LYNETTE SCAVO. We PULL BACK to reveal a worn-down LYNETTE, late 30's, carrying a large PLATE OF CHICKEN. MARY ALICE (V.0.) Lynette Scavo, who lives on the corner, brought fried chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. INT. OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK) An intense, yet CAPABLE-LOOKING Lynette is running a meeting. MARY ALICE Of course, she didn't cook much while she was moving up the corporate ladder. She didn't have the time. INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK) Lynette and her husband, TOM, are staring in SURPRISE as a doctor points to images on an ULTRA-SOUND machine. MARY ALICE But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant with twins, her husband, Tom, had an idea.

CLOSE ON LYNETTE'S HUSBAND MOUTHING THE FOLLOWING WORDS: MARY ALICE "Why not quit your job? It'd_be better for the kids. You'd love being a stay-at-home mom. And it would be so much less LYNETTE considers this for a moment, then nods in agreement. END OF FLASHBACK INT. SCOTT HOUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUQUS The worn-down Lynette carries her PLATE of chicken. MARY ALICE (V.O.) But this was not the case. In fact, Lynette's life was now so hectic... We PULL BACK even farther to reveal she also pushes a stroller with PATSY, 18 months. PETER and PORTER, both 6, and PRESTON, 5, walk on the sidewalk in front of her. MARY ALICE (V.O0.) ...she was forced to get her fried chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette's TWINS start ELBOWING each other. Lynette looks at them WEARILY. MARY ALICE (V.O.) (continuing) Lynette would've appreciated the irony if she stopped to think about it. But she couldn't. She didn't have the time. LYNETTE Boys, knock it off! One of the boys pushes another, sending him into the third. All three boys start BRAWLING. LYNETTE (continuing) DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID KNOCK IT OFF! She pushes the STROLLER aside and then rushes to SEPARATE her FIGHTING children.

PORTER But he was the one who... LYNETTE No buts! You're going to behave today! I won't be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know how serious I am... Lynette reaches into her pocket and pulls out a SLIP OF PAPER. She holds it up in front of the boys. PETER What's that? LYNETTE : This 1s Santa's cell phone number. PORTER How did you get that? LYNETTE I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. Now if any of you acts up, so help me I'll call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. You willing to risk that? The boys SHAKE their heads nervously. LYNETTE (continuing) Good. Now let's get this over with. As Lynette stands up, MRS. HUBER suddenly crosses by. MRS. HUBER Lynette. I see you brought the children. LYNETTE My baby-sitter won't return my phone calls. Get off my back. Lynette BREEZES past Mrs. Huber towards the front door. EXT, SOLIS - FRONT YARD - DAY GABRIELLE SOLIS, a glamorous woman in her late 30's, emerges from the front door carrying a large TUPPERWARE bowl.

MARY ALICE (V.O.) Gabrielle Solis, who lives three doors down, brought chilled gazpacho. CLOSE ON GABRIELLE STRUTTING DOWN HER FRONT WALK. INT, MANHATTAN FASHION SHOW (FLASHBACK) CLOSE ON GABRIELLE STRUTTING DOWN A RUNWAY. MARY ALICE (V.O0.) Since her modeling days in New York, had always had a thing for Spanish cuisine and Spanish men. As Gabrielle by we push in on CARLOS, who is seated in the audience. He WATCHES her intently. INT. MANHATTAN RESTAURANT -~ NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Gabrielle and Carlos are SEATED in an ELEGANT restaurant. Carlos takes a VELVET BOX out of his pocket and opens it. MARY ALICE (V.0.) Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle NODS. Tears well up in Carlos' eyes. MARY ALICE (V.0.) (continuing) She was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal. END OF FLASHBACK EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS GABRIELLE struts down her front walk. She joins CARLOS who has obviously been WAITING for her. MARY ALICE (V.O.) So Gabrielle now had everything she'd ever wanted. A big house, lots of credit cards and a housekeeper who made her chilled gazpacho any time she wanted.

Gabrielle Gabrielle Gabrielle SHOVES the gazpacho into Carlos' hands. MARY ALICE (V.O.) But the gazpacho was not quite as chilled as Gabrielle's current relationship with her husband. starts to cross the STREET. Carlos follows her. CARLOS Hey, if you talk to Al Mason at this thing I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace. GABRIELLE Oh, eat me, Carlos. CARLOS He let me know how much he paid for his wife's new Jag. Just work it into the conversation. GABRIELLE There's no way I can just work that in. CARLOS At the Donahues' party, everyone was talking about mutual funds and you found a way to mention you once screwed Jon Bon Jovi and his brother. GABRIELLE You know, Carlos, there is a difference between bragging and entertaining cocktail conversation. SWEEPS past Carlos up the walk to the SCOTT HOUSE and KNOCKS on the front door. INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON A HAND REACHING FOR A DOOR KNOB. The door opens to reveal two GIFT BASKETS. We pull back to see they're carried by BREE VAN DE KAMP, late 30's. BEAUTIFUL and immaculately PUT-TOGETHER, she enters with a confident air.

MARY ALICE (V.O.) Bree Van de Kamp, who lives down the block, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was_ known for her cooking. INT. DE KAMP H E - SEWI ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK Bree is at a SEWING machine. MARY ALICE (V.O.) And for making her own clothes. EXT. VAN DE KAMP HQUSE - GARDEN - DAY (FLASHBACK Bree is RAKING a vegetable garden with a HOE. MARY ALICE (V.O.) And for growing her own vegetables. INT. VAN DE KAMP HQUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK Bree shoves a KNIFE into a sofa. She PEELS the old fabric off. A bolt of brand NEW fabric sits beside her. MARY ALICE (V.0.) And for reupholstering her own furniture. END OF FLASHBACK INT. SCOTT HQUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS BREE stands at the door holding her two GIFT BASKETS. She SMILES, then BREEZES into the party. MARY ALICE (V.O.) Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. (then) Everyone, that is, except her family. REX VAN DE KAMP, 40, ANDREW VAN DE KAMP, 16, and DANIELLE VAN DE KAMP, 14, suddenly appear in the door frame. They all wear a WEARY expression. They follow Bree into the wake. We cut to PAUL SCOTT, late 30's, who SOMBERLY greets his guests. Next to him is his son, ZACH, 16. BREE walks up to them.

BREE (gravely) Paul. Zachary. MR. SCOTT (off baskets) Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble. BREE No trouble at all. Now the red basket is filled with desserts for your guests. But the blue basket is just for you and Zachary. It's got rolls and muffins. Breakfast-type things. MR. SCOTT Thank you. BREE The least I could do was make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning. I know you're out of your minds with grief. Mr. Scott and Zach nod EMOTIONALLY. They stand there SILENTLY for a beat. Then: BREE {continuing) Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done. Bree CROSSES away. Mr. Scott and his son look at each other, then over at Bree's family who are all clearly MORTIFIED. EXT. MEYER HQUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY CLOSE ON SUSAN MEYER. We PULL BACK to see SUSAN, mid-30's and her daughter, JENNA, 12, crossing the street. Susan carries a CASSEROLE DISH. MARY ALICE Susan Meyer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband, Karl, always teased her about her macaroni saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook and she rarely made it well.

1 MEYER E - KITCHEN - EVENIN FLASHBACK CLOSE ON TWO HANDS PICKING UP A CASSEROLE DISH. We pull back to see a SUSAN taking the dish and SETTING it on a TABLE. Seated at the table are her husband, KARL, and a two-month old Jenna in a high chair. Moving boxes are in the background. MARY ALICE (V.O.) It was too salty the night she and Karl moved into their house. INT. MEYER HOUSE -~ KITCHEN - EVENING {(FLASHBACK CLOSE ON TWO HANDS PICKING UP A CASSEROLE DISH. We pull back to see an ENRAGED SUSAN taking the dish and slamming it down on the table. A DRESS SHIRT is slung over one of the chairs. A four-year o0ld Jenna sits at the table. MARY ALICE (V.0.) It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Karl's shirt. Susan suddenly picks up the DRESS SHIRT and RIPS it in half. INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING (FLASHBACK) CLOSE ON TWO HANDS PICKING UP A CASSEROLE DISH. We PULL BACK to see a DEVASTATED Susan taking the dish and putting it down on the table. A ten-year old Jenna sits at the table. Karl enters carrying two suitcases. MARY ALICE (V.O.) She burned it the night Karl told her he was leaving her for his secretary. Karl EXITS. Susan DISSOLVES into TEARS. END OF FLASHBACK EXT. SCOTT FRONT YARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS Susan and Jenna head up the sidewalk.

MARY ALICE (V.O.) It had been two years since Susan had divorced Karl. And though she was content, she'd started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life who'd make fun of her cooking. Just as they reach the front porch, Jenna looks up at Susan. JENNA Mom, why would someone kill themselves? Susan STOPS. This question has caught her OFF-GUARD. SUSAN Well... sometimes people can be so unhappy they think it's the only way to solve their problems. JENNA But Mrs. Scott always seemed happy. SUSAN Yes, but some people pretend to be one way on the outside when they're totally different on the inside. JENNA Oh. You mean like how Dad's new girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things but deep down you just know she's a bitch. SUSAN I don't like that word, Jemna. (then) But, yes, that is a great example. INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER There is a large crush of MOURNERS. Susan and Jenna ENTER. They make their way to the DINING ROOM. Susan places her MACARONI AND CHEESE on the buffet table. INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUQUS BREE and GABRIELLE are seated, drinking WINE. LYNETTE is off to the side BREAST-FEEDING.

Susan ENTERS. She crosses to the table and SITS. The four women are SILENT, lost in their own thoughts. Susan reaches over and picks a wine GLASS off the table. She STARES at it. CLOSE on the wine glass. WINE is pourea into it. We pull back to find we are in... INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN -~ 2 YEARS EARLIER (FLASHBACK) The wine is being poured by MARY ALICE. SUSAN is in the same chair, holding a wine GLASS. BREE and GABRIELLE are next to her. LYNETTE, eight months PREGNANT, is off to the side. MARY ALICE finishes pouring the WINE. MARY ALICE It's not the end of the world, Susan. BREE You want a handkerchief? I've got one in my purse. SUSAN I'm fine. Really. Bree offers a HANDKERCHIEF to Susan. BREE It's one of my good ones. See the lace? I tatted it myself. GABRIELLE First of all, no one's impressed that you tat your own lace. If anything, it*'s weird. Secondly, Susan doesn't need a hankie. She's not even crying. BREE I don't see why not. If Rex had cheated on me, I'd be hysterical. LYNETTE So what did Karl say when you confronted him? SUSAN You'll love this. He looked me straight in the eye and said "It didn't mean anything." All the women GROAN.

LYNETTE is that? Page one of the philanderer's handbook? SUSAN Then I asked him why he'd even feel the need to screw another woman? And he just got this zen look on his face and said, "You know, Susan, most men lead lives of quiet GABRIELLE Please tell me you punched him. SUSAN No, I said, "Really? And what do most women lead? Lives of noisy fulfillment"? MARY ALICE Good for you. SUSAN of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? My God, I had that woman over for brunch! GABRIELLE It's like my grandma said, 'An erect penis doesn't have a conscience'. LYNETTE Come on. Even the flaccid ones aren't that ethical. BREE - This is half the reason I joined the NRA. When Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home with a loaded Smith and Wesson. MARY ALICE Lynnie, Tom's always away on business. Do you ever worry he might...?

LYNETTE Please. The man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else. GABRIELLE So, is the dirtbag begging for forgiveness now? SUSAN No. He won't even promise to stop seeing her. Susan starts to CRY. Bree turns to Gabrielle. BREE Now can I give her the hankie? Gabrielle reacts. Bree HANDS Susan a HANDKERCHIEF. SUSAN I'm sorry. I just don't know if I can survive this. Mary Alice REACHES across the table and takes Susan's HAND. MARY ALICE Sweetie, I'm not gonna listen to that kind of talk. Yes, it's gonna be rough for a while. And there will be days you won't feel like getting out of bed. But this, too, shall pass. And until it does you've just gotta deal with it. Because, at the end of the day, what other freaking choice do you have? Mary Alice gives Susan a KNOWING smile. Susan, immediately sensing the truth of this statement, begins to LAUGH through her tears. Soon the other women JOIN IN. After a beat the laughter starts to FADE into the background. BREE (V.0.) Susan! END OF FLASHBACK INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS STARTLED, Susan looks over to see Bree STARING at her.

BREE I said Paul wants us to come over Friday and go through Mary Alice's closet and pack up all her clothes. He can't face doing it himself. SUSAN (preoccupied) Oh. Sure. That's fine. BREE Are you okay? SUSAN Yeah. I'm just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should've come to us. She should've let us help her. GABRIELLE But what problems could she have had? She was healthy, had a great house, a nice family. Her life was -- Gabrielle STRUGGLES for the word. Finally: LYNETTE Our life. GABRIELLE No. We'd have known if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis. We all live fifty feet away, for God's sake. SUSAN Gaby, something must have been going on. Why else would she have done something so desperate? As all the women PONDER this, the camera drifts off to the side of the kitchen door... PAUL SCOTT (Mary Alice's husband), who's been EAVESDROPPING on their conversation. The malignant look in his eyes suggests he may know the answer to that question. INT, SCOTT HQUSE - DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER MIKE DELFINO, 39, is at the buffet table DISHING up some food. He's GOOD-LOOKING in a BLUE-COLLAR sort of way. Susan walks by just in time to see Mike REACH for the MACARONI AND CHEESE.

SUSAN I wouldn't eat that if I were you. MIKE Why? SUSAN I made it. Trust me. Mike, completely CHARMED by Susan's candor, starts to SCOOP a big helping of the MACARONI AND CHEESE. Susan STOPS him. SUSAN Hey! Do you have a death wish? MIKE I refuse to believe anyone could screw up macaroni and cheese that badly. Mike SCOOPS the MAC 'N CHEESE onto his plate, winks at Susan, then tries some. He instantly GRIMACES. MIKE Omigod! How did you...? It tastes like it's burned and undercooked. SUSAN I get that a lot. Susan hands him a NAPKIN. After he discreetly spits out the food, they both start to LAUGH. MIKE By the way, I'm Mike Delfino. I'm renting the Sims house next door. SUSAN Susan Meyer. I'm across the street. MIKE Oh, Mrs. Huber told me about you. She said you write children's books. SUSAN I'm very big with the under-five set. what do you do? MIKE Plumber. So if you ever have a clog or

Mike FLASHES a killer SMILE. Susan realizes she's beiny flirted with. She becomes FLUSTERED. SUSAN (re: macaroni) Well... now that everyone has seen I brought something, I should probably throw this out. Susan starts to cross off, then looks back and is THRILLED to see Mike is watching her walk away. INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUQUS Lynette sits, trying to discreetly BREAST-FEED her toddler. She flinches in PAIN. LYNETTE Ow! Ease up, you little vampire! Mrs. Huber suddenly crosses over. MRS. HUBER Lynette, I've been looking all over for you. Are you aware of what your sons are doing? A look of PANIC crosses Lynette's face. INT. KITCHEN - SCOTT HOUSE -_ CONTINOUS Susan enters the KITCHEN. Her daughter, Jenna, is THERE. JENNA Who was that guy you were talking to? He's a hottie. SUSAN Yes, he is. Would you do me a favor? JENNA Want me to find out if he's single? SUSAN Just be subtle like Mommy taught you. Jenna turns and EXITS.

20. EXT. SCOTT BACKYARD - DAY Various MOURNERS are in the BACKYARD. In the center is a POOL. LYNETTE, carrying the baby, emerges from the house to see her three SONS are in the pool SWIMMING. Three piles of CLOTHING are at the pool's edge. Mortified, Lynette RACES over. LYNETTE What are you doing? We are at a wake! PETER When we got here you said we could go in the pool. LYNETTE I said you could go by the pool! (looking closely) Are you wearing swimsuits? PETER Yeah. We put 'em on under our clothes before we left the house. LYNETTE You three planned this? That does it. Get out! PORTER No! LYNETTE No? No?! I am your mother! You have to do what I say! PORTER We want to swim! And you can't stop us! The twins CROSS their ARMS in DEFIANCE. PRESTON looks over at his brothers, then crosses his arms as well. LYNETTE stares at them in SHOCK. She then looks up at the crowd around her. LYNETTE'S P.O.V.: EVERYONE in the BACKYARD is watching to see what she'll do. Each person silently JUDGING her as a MOTHER. LYNETTE thinks for a beat then suddenly thrusts her toddler into a stranger's arms. She DESCENDS into the POOL, WADES over to an ASTONISHED Peter and Porter, GRABS them by their ears and FORCES them out of the pool. She throws back a look at Preston, who quickly SCURRIES out.

21. Lynette PICKS up the boys' clothing, SHOVES it into their arms, and gestures for them to EXIT. They do. Lynette then . takes her toddler from the stranger and crosses, SOAKING WET, to Paul Scott. LYNETTE (totally dignified) Paul, we have to leave now. Once again, I'm so sorry for your loss. As Lynette EXITS, all the ASTOUNDED mourners WATCH her go. All of them, that is, but Paul, who stares intently at the EMPTY pool. There is an anguished LOOK on his face. This is a man with a SECRET. ANGLE from under the water: We see the lone figure of Paul Scott staring into the water. The RIPPLES of the water DISTORT his face into something GROTESQUE and THREATENING. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE

FADE IN: EXT, WISTERIA LANE - EARLY MORNING The TREE-LINED street is barely touched by SUN-LIGHT. MARY ALICE (V.O.) The morning after my funeral my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives. INT. SCAVQ HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING In a messy kitchen, an EXHAUSTED Lynette serves bacon and eggs to her four children. MARY ALICE (V.O.) while some did their cooking... INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING Bree cleans her OVEN. She wears a HAIR NET and latex GLOVES. MARY ALICE (V.O.) ...and some did their cleaning.... INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BEDROOM - MORNING Gabrielle is in an awkward position STRETCHING. MARY ALICE (V.O.) .and some did their yoga... EXT. DELFINO HOUSE - MORNING Jenna knocks on the front door. MARY ALICE (V.O.) .others did their homework. Mike answers the door. JENNA Hi. I'm Jenna. I was kicking my soccer ball, and it went into your back yard.

MIKE Oh. Well, come in. We'll go get it. Mike opens the screen door, and Jenna heads inside. INT. MEYER HQUSE ~ LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Susan and Jenna are there. JENNA his wife died of cancer two years ago. He left L.A. because there were too many memories. He does over six figures a year, and he's just renting for tax purposes. SUSAN Did you get any sense of when he might be ready to start dating again? JENNA No, but I can lose my frisbee tomorrow. Susan SMILES. INT. LIS H E - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON Gabrielle and Carlos are in the kitchen, in the middle of a FIGHT. GABRIELLE I am not going to that party! CARLOS It's a business dinner. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives. GABRIELLE Every time I'm around that man he tries to grab my ass! CARLOS I made over two hundred thousand doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass for a couple of seconds, let him! Carlos EXITS as Gabrielle SMOLDERS.

EXT. SOLIS HQUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUQUS JOHN, 16, a muscular, handsome neighbor, does YARD WORK. Carlos emerges from the house. CARLOS John! STARTLED, JOHN catches his hand on a THORN. JOHN Ow! Mr. Solis, you scared me. CARLOS (pointing to bush) Why is that bush still here? You were supposed to dig that up last week. JOHN I didn't have time last week cause... CARLOS I don't want to hear your excuses. Just take care of the bush! Just then, Gabrielle EMERGES from the house. As Carlos crosses to his car... GABRIELLE You know, Carlos, I really hate the way you talk to me. CARLOS And I really hate that the diamond necklace I bought you set me back five thousand dollars. But I'm learning to deal with it. (then) So can I tell Tanaka we'll be there? GABRIELLE sees that John is BLEEDING. GABRIELLE John, we have bandages. Top shelf in the kitchen. JOHN Thanks, Mrs. Solis. John EXITS into the house. GABRIELLE turns back to Carlos.

25. GABRIELLE All right, I'll go. But I'm going to keep my back pressed against the wall the entire time. CARLOS (suddenly smiling) See? This is what marriage is all about. Compromise. Gabrielle registers a look of disdain as Carlos gets into his CAR and takes off. INT. SOLIS HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER John wraps a BANDAGE on his finger. GABRIELLE enters. GABRIELLE Is your finger okay? JOHN Yeah. It was just a small cut. GABRIELLE crosses to JOHN. She takes his HAND. She examines it for a beat, then unexpectedly KISSES his FINGER softly. They lock eyes. Before we know it, they're KISSING PASSIONATELY. Suddenly, he PULLS away. JOHN You know, Mrs. Solis, I really like it when we hook up, but... you know, I gotta get my work done. I can't afford to lose this job and -- Gabrielle REMOVES her top and lets it DROP to the floor. John, overcome by the sight of her BODY, drops his TOOLS. Gabrielle takes John and LEADS him into the DINING ROOM. GABRIELLE (indicates table) This is hand-carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him fifteen thousand dollars. JOHN Want to do it on the table this time?

GABRIELLE Absolutely. John PICKS Gabrielle up and LAYS her on top of the TABLE. He pulls his SHIRT off, then GETS on the table with her. They kiss for a beat, then Gabrielle begins LAUGHING. JOHN What? GABRIELLE I was just thinking. The last thing my husband said was to make sure you took care of the bush. Gabrielle and John both laugh UPROARIOUSLY. The camera pans up the wall to reveal a painting with a BOWL OF FRUIT on it. EXT. DELFINO HOUSE - FRONT YARD - EARLY EVENING SUSAN carries a BASKET OF FRUIT. She walks up Mike's front door and knocks. Mike OPENS the door. MIKE Hey, Susan. SUSAN I got you a little housewarming gift. MIKE Wow. The welcome wagon moves fast here. I haven't even unpacked yet. Mike TAKES the basket. Susan smiles. MARY ALICE (V.O.) It was true. Susan had moved quickly. Because she knew when word of Mike's marital status spread... A WOMAN'S VOICE (0.5.) Hello there! Susan and Mike turn and LOOK. Susan's smile FADES when she sees. .. EDIE BRITT, 37, sexy and DETERMINED, striding up the walkway. She CARRIES a casserole dish.

MARY ALICE (V.O.) ...there'd be competition. CLOSE ON EDIE BRITT STRUTTING UP THE WALKWAY. MARY ALICE (V.O.) Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a five block radius. INT. BRITT HOME - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK) Edie grabs a man in a BLUE UNIFORM and kisses him PASSIONATELY. He drops TOOLBOX. MARY ALICE (V.0.) Her conquests were numerous. .. INT. BRITT HOME - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNQON (FLASHBACK) Edie grabs a man wearing TENNIS WHITES and kisses him PASSIONATELY. He drops his tennis RACQUET. MARY ALICE (V.O.) ..varied... INT. BRITT HOME - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK) Edie grabs a man wearing a BLACK SHIRT AND A WHITE COLLAR and kisses him PASSIONATELY. He drops his BIBLE. MARY ALICE ...and legendary. END OF FLASHBACK EXT. DELFINO HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS Edie WALKS up and joins Mike and Susan. EDIE Hi, Susan. Hope I'm not interrupting. Susan FORCES a smile. MARY ALICE (V.O.) Yes, Susan Meyer had met the enemy. And she was a slut. Edie EXTENDS her hand to Mike.

EDIE You must be Mike Delfino. I'm Edie Britt. I live down the street. (handing him casserole) - Welcome to Wisteria Lane. MIKE Thank you. What's this? EDIE Sausage puttenesca with cream sauce. Just something I threw together. Susan glares at Edie. The women MIKE Thanks, Edie. This is great. You know, I'd ask you both in, but I was in the middle of something when you-- EDIE No problem. Just wanted to say 'hi'. SUSAN I'm late for an appointment anyway. both turn and begin to WALK down the walkway. MARY ALICE And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would be a friendly one. Edie stops and turns back. EDIE Oh, Mike. I heard you're a plumber. MARY ALICE But she was quickly reminded that when it came to men... EDIE Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes? MARY ALICE (V.O.) ..women don't fight fair.

Sure. Mike SMILES and goes inside. Edie smiles SLYLY at Susan. Susan reacts. Susan turns and starts RAPIDLY down the sidewalk. We FOLLOW her as she WALKS. Susan PASSES by the VAN DE KAMP house. The camera STAYS on the house and we PUSH in towards the front window. We continue PUSHING in until we see the ENTIRE Van De Kamp family eating DINNER through the window. We push through the window and we're now. .. INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT ...1in the VAN DE KAMP dining room. BREE and REX sit at opposite ends of the table. In the middle are ANDREW, 15 and DANIELLE, 14 They're all QUIETLY eating dinner at an ELEGANTLY set table. DANIELLE looks up from her BOWL. DANIELLE Why can't we ever have normal soup? BREE Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree. DANIELLE Just once couldn't we have soup people have heard of? Like French onion or Navy bean? BREE First of all, your father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your Navy bean suggestion. (then, cheerily) So does everyone like their Osso Buco? ANDREW (indifferent) It's okay. Bree GENTLY places her fork on her plate.

BREE Andrew, I spent four hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say 'it's okay' in that sullen tone? ANDREW Well, who asked you to spend four hours on dinner? BREE Excuse me? ANDREW Tim mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom! They're eating. Everybody's happy. Bree stares COLDLY at her son. Beat. DANIELLE {(sotto, to Andrew) Apologize now. I'm begging. BREE You'd rather I serve pork and beans?! ANDREW I'm just saying does every dinner have to be one of Martha Stewart's greatest hits? Bree throws her NAPKIN down. She rises and PACES around the room. She suddenly CROSSES to Andrew and LEANS into him. BREE You're doing drugs, aren't you? ANDREW What?! BREE Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you've been as fresh as paint for the past six months. So is it crack? That would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom. DANIELLE Trust me. That's not what he's doing.

ANDREW (to Danielle) Shut up! (to Bree) Mom, I'm not the problem here. You're the one always acting like she's running for the mayor of Stepford. BREE Hey! I work myself to the point of exhaustion to create a lifestyle for my family that is both elegant and wholesome. And it's astonishing to me that the only reaction I get for my efforts is cold indifference. ANDREW Whatever. Andrew sullenly resumes EATING. Bree SITS back down. BREE Rex, seeing how you're head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something. Rex LOOKS UP from his food. REX Everybody just be quiet so I can eat this slop in peace. FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO Beat. Bree STARES at Rex in utter SHOCK. Rex gives her a look of complete DISDAIN. After a beat, eating their food in SILENCE. the entire family resumes

FADE IN: ACT THREE INT. SUPERMARKET - AFTERNOON A SUBURBAN supermarket. Various SHOPPERS walk about. Susan, Gabrielle, MARY ALICE (V.O.) Two days after my funeral, my friends started to let go of their grief. the side complietely bored. MARY ALICE (V.O.) The healing process officially began with the trashing of a “"dear" friend and neighbor. SUSAN ...and she brought him sausage puttenesca! LYNETTE That is so like Edie to come up with a phallic entree. BREE I can't help but feel responsible. I gave her that recipe. GABRIELLE Hey, you had no idea she was going to use it for evil. PETER Mom, let's go! We're missing 'Sponge LYNETTE Just a minute, honey. Mommy's gossiping with her friends. Bree and Lynette stand together in an aisle, deep in CONVERSATION. Patsy, Lynette's daughter, rides in the cart; her sons, Peter, Porter and Preston are off to

The three SUSAN I hate acting like some love struck teenager, but it's just... I think we could be good together. From the first moment we met we had this amazing connection. BREE This was when he was spitting out your macaroni? SUSAN Yeah. PORTER Mom! LYNETTE Okay, okay. Why don't you help Mommy shop? Go to the next aisle and pick up that Cool Aid you love. boys take off. Lynette shouts after them. LYNETTE and come right back! The boys disappear around the corner. GABRIELLE I'm rooting for you, Susan. Just be aware Edie is going for it. I saw her at the salon yesterday. She was getting a bikini wax. SUSAN So she's thrown down the gauntlet. . LYNETTE Totally. BREE You know, Lynette, that Cool Aid is right next to the grape juice, which is all in glass bottles. LYNETTE Oh, crap... I gotta go.

Lynette turns to leave. We FOLLOW HER into the next aisle, where she finds Preston standing by himself. LYNETTE - Preston? Where are your brothers? PRESTON They found an empty shopping cart. LYNETTE Oh, crap... WOMAN (0O.S.) Lynette Scavo! Is that you? Lynette looks around to see NATALIE WELLMAN, late 30's, dressed in business attire. LYNETTE Natalie Wellman? I don't believe it. NATALIE Lynette! How long has it been? LYNETTE Years. How are you? How's the firm? NATALIE Good. Everybody misses you. We all say if you hadn't quit, you'd be running the place by now. LYNETTE Yeah, well... NATALIE So... what's it like? Do you just love being a mom? MARY ALICE (V.O.) And there it was. The question that Lynette always dreaded. For the people who asked it, only one answer was ever acceptable. Any other and she'd be found lacking as a woman. So Lynette responded as she always did. She lied. LYNETTE Oh, vyes. Best job I've ever had.

WE SEE behind Lynette an ELDERLY LADY waiting in the checkout line. Suddenly WE HEAR a commotion, and an EMPTY CART thunders into frame, broadsiding the elderly lady, knocking her over. Lynette closes her eyes, knowing that whatever just happened behind her - she's gonna have to answer for. INT, SOLIS HOUSE - BEDROOM - AFTERNOON Gabrielle and John are LYING quietly and contentedly in bed. They've obviously just finished MAKING love. Gabrielle is smoking a CIGARETTE. JOHN You know what I don't get? GABRIELLE What? JOHN Why you married Mr. Solis. Gabrielle gives John a SURPRISED look. She sees he's SERIOUS. GABRIELLE Well... he promised he'd give me everything I ever wanted. JOHN And did he? GABRIELLE Yes. John THINKS about this for a beat. JOHN Then why aren't you happy? GABRIELLE As it turns out, I wanted the wrong things. JOHN So...do you love him? GABRIELLE I do.

36. JOHN (suddenly irritated) Then why are we here? Why are we doing this? Gabrielle FIXES John with an INTENSE stare. GABRIELLE Because I don't want to wake up one day with the urge to blow my brains out. She KISSES him. She then takes a DRAG off her CIGARETTE. JOHN Hey, can I have a drag? GABRIELLE Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke. Gabrielle SMILES at John and blows smoke in the air. INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN -~ AFTERNOON SUSAN fries a pan of BACON at the stove. She takes out the bacon and THROWS it in the TRASH. She then takes the pan and empties the GREASE into the SINK. On the COUNTER are OPEN JARS of peanut butter, cooking oil and lard. After she pours the grease into the sink, Susan SCOOPS out a large SPOONFUL of lard and starts JAMMING it down the DRAIN. Jenna SITS at the table, watching this SPECTACLE. JENNA You're crazy. You know that? SUSAN Mike's a plumber. Unclogging drains is what he does. And I've got to make my move before Edie makes hers. JENNA Can't you just ask him out on a date?

SUSAN We need to get to know each other first. This way we can talk and feel spontaneous and casual. I don't want him to think I'm desperate. (indicates hair brushes on counter) Hey, come here and start pulling the hair out of these brushes. Jenna RELUCTANTLY gets up and crosses to the counter. JENNA Mom, how can you be so hung up on this guy? You just met him. SUSAN You're right. He'll probably turn out to be an ax murderer, or married, or gay. Or with my luck, all three. But until the sad truth comes pouring out, Mike is a definite ‘maybe.' And it's been a while since I've had that! No, I'm not in love with him. But damn, I am in love with the possibility. (then) Does that make sense? Jenna is FROZEN, staring out the window. Susan SEES this. SUSAN Honey, what's wrong? Susan LOOKS out the window and SEES what Jenna is STARING at. Susan's P.0.V. - EDIE BRITT is in the driver's seat of a RED convertible. She's parked in front of MIKE'S house. Suddenly Mike EMERGES from his house. He WALKS to the car and GETS in. Edie pulls AWAY. Susan is in shock for a beat. Then: SUSAN Get my car keys. EXT. FREEWAY - MOMENTS LATER Susan and Jenna are in Susan's car SPEEDING down the HIGHWAY.

38. JENNA Mom, this is crazy. SUSAN Be quiet! I'm concentrating. Up ahead, Edie's car WEAVES in and out of TRAFFIC. INT. COWBOY STEAKHOUSE - AFTERNOON Susan and Jenna ENTER. They walk to the hostess' PODIUM. HOSTESS How many? SUSAN Two, please. The hostess takes them to a TABLE. They SIT. The hostess hands them MENUS and crosses away. Susan LOOKS around. She suddenly spots MIKE and EDIE on the other side of the ROOM. SUSAN There they are. JENNA Okay. So what're we doing? SUSAN I have to see if this is a date. JENNA Mom, why are you torturing yourself? What else could it be? SUSAN It could be lunch, okay? A simple, innocent meal between two platonic...why is she touching him? Susan sees Edie STROKE Mike's hair. Mike subtly PUSHES her hand away. SUSAN Okay, that's good. He's not into her. He thinks she's too pushy. Edie puts her HAND on Mike's SHOULDER and WHISPERS something in his ear.

SUSAN Well, now she's just throwing herself at him. It's pathetic. Mike and Edie LAUGH uproariously at something. As they laugh, Mike takes Edie's HAND. Susan is DEVASTATED. She turns to Jenna. SUSAN Let's get out of here. EXT. PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER Susan and Jenna get into their car. JENNA Mom? You okay? SUSAN I'm not this pathetic. I can't not possibly be this pathetic. I make fun of women who act like this. Dammit! Okay, this was it for me. I know the score and he is officially out of my mind. I'm gonna walk away with my dignity intact. Let's go. Susan backs up the car, but OVERSHOOTS and backs into a RED CONVERTIBLE. She and Jenna turn to see what they've hit. SUSAN Please tell me that's not -- JENNA Yeah. Edie's car. They exchange a look. A beat. Jenna suddenly slumps down in her seat as Susan PEELS out of the parking lot. On their way out, we catch a CAR coming in, containing Bree, Rex, Andrew and Danielle. INT. COWBOY BOB'S STEAKHOUSE - A LITTLE WHILE LATER Bree, Rex, Andrew, and Danielle are seated at a booth. A waiter wearing a COWBOY hat taking their ORDERS.

WAITER put your orders in and then I'1l be back soon with your drinks and your plates for the salad bar. He crosses away. Andrew looks ACROSS the room. ANDREW Hey, they got video games! Is it okay if we play until our food gets here? BREE This is family time, Andrew. I think we should all... REX (interrupting) Go ahead and play. Bree SHOOTS Rex a look. The KIDS leave the booth. BREE I know you think I'm angry about coming here. But I'm not. Rex STARES at Bree and says nothing. BREE You and the kids want a change of pace. Something fun. I get it. Rex continues to STARE at her. BREE But I do think tomorrow we'll all probably want something healthier. I'm thinking about serving Chicken Saltimbocca. Doesn't that sound good? REX I want a divorce. Bree LOOKS at him in shock. REX I just can't live in a freaking detergent commercial anymore. Beat. The waiter walks up and sets a PLATE in front of Rex.

WAITER Salad bar's over there. Help yourself. The waiter LEAVES. Rex and Bree sit in SILENCE for a beat. BREE Why don't I get your salad for you? REX Bree. Did you hear what I just said? Bree ignores him and CROSSES to the salad bar. As she starts putting together a salad, EDITH HUBER, walks over. MRS. HUBER Bree Van de Kamp! BREE Oh, hello, Mrs. Huber... MRS. HUBER We didn't get a chance to talk at Mary Alice's wake. How're you doing? EXPRESSIONLESS, Bree stares at Mrs. Huber. MARY ALICE (V.0.) For a moment Bree considered pouring her heart out to this woman she barely knew. She considered telling her how alone and hurt and betrayed she felt. But to do so would be admitting failure. And that was simply not an option. BREE (with a big smile) Everything is great. Just great. Bree crosses BACK to the table. She sets the salad plate DOWN in front of Rex and SITS. BREE I got you the honey mustard dressing. The ranch looked a little suspect. Rex just stares at her. Then: REX Are we gonna talk about what I said?

BREE If you think I'm going to discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled 'Chicks' and 'Dudes', you are out of your mind. Eat your salad. Rex gives up, and takes a few angry BITES of the salad. Suddenly, a strange LOOK comes over his FACE. He drops his fork, then GRABS his throat. Bree looks up. BREE What is it? What's wrong? REX (re: salad) What's in this? BREE What do you mean 'what's in this'? It's salad. REX With...onions? BREE What? Rex tries to STAND. He is unable to BREATHE. REX You put onions in my salad! BREE No, I didn't. You're allergic to... (then; horrified) ...oh, wait. Rex falls over onto the floor, UNCONSCIOUS. As he falls, he knocks a plate off the table, which CRASHES to the floor. INT. - BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT Zachary Scott (Mary Alice's son) sits bolt upright in bed. He's just heard something. A SMASHING sound. He hears it again, and again. He slips out of bed to go investigate.