"FRIENDS LIKE US" Pilot Written by David Crane & Marta Kauffman FIRST DRAFT March 3, 1994

MONICA - RACHEL - PHOEBE - ROSS - JOEY - THE CHARACTERS Smart. Cynical. Defended. Very attractive. Had to work for everything she has. An assistant chef for a chic uptown restaurant. And a romantic disaster area. Spoiled. Adorable. Courageous. Terrified. Monica’s best friend from high school. Has worked for none of wvhat she has. On her own for the first time. And equipped to do nothing. Sweet. New Age waif. Monica’s former roommate. Sells barrettes on the street and plays quitar in the subway. A good soul. Intelligent. Emotional. Romantic. Monica’s brother. Suddenly divorced. Facing singlehood with phenomenal reluctance. A paleontologist. Not that it matters. Handsone. Macho. Smug. Lives across the hall from Monica and Rachel. Wants to be an actor. Actually, vants to be Al Pacino. Loves wvomen, sports, women, New York, women and most of all Joey. CHANDLER - Droll. Dry. A wry cbserver of everyone’s life. And his own. Works in front of a computer doing something tedious in a claustrophobic cubicle in a nondescript office building. Survives by way of his sense of humor. And snacks. All are in their twenties. All trying to figure it out.

ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. COFFEE HOUSE - AFTERNOQON A RAINY AFTERNOON. MONICA, JOEY, CHANDLER AND PHOEBE ARE HANGING OUT, TALKING. WE HEAR SNATCHES OF CONVERSATION, BROKEN UP BY A SERIES OF DISSOLVES. MONICA I'm telling you, I‘’ve had it with the whole dating thing. JOEY Yeah, yeah, yeah. MONICA I mean it this time. I have to laugh at another stupid anecdote or eat another caesar salad, I’'a going to kill myself. PHOEBR I don’t hate dating. MONICA ’ That'’s ‘cause you don’t date. You just move in vith guys. PHOEBE (WITH A SHRUG) That’s true. JOEY You know wvhat my favorite kind of date is?

MONICA The kind where you don’t leave your qum in her ear? JOEY (TO CHANDLER) I can’t believe you told her. CHANDLER I couldn’t help nyself. PHOEBE So, wait a minute. If you’re not dating anymore, vhat’s tonight? MONICA Tonight is... not a date. 1It’s not. It’s just tvo people going out to dinner and not .iving sex. CHANDLER Sounds like a date to DISSOLVE TO: INT. TER SAME - LATER THERE ARE WORE HALP-EMPTY PLATES ON THE TABLE. JOEY IS ARGUING WITH MONICA. JORY I can’t believe vhat I’m hearing here. MONICA What? I said you had a very nice butt. 1It’s just not a graat butt.

PHOEBE You know who had a great butt? Speed Racer. (OFF THEIR LOOKS) Well, he did. JOEY (TO MONICA) You know what, I‘m not even gonna listen to you. You wouldn’t knowv a great butt if it came up and bit you. CHANDLER There’s an image. INT, THE SAME - A LITTLE LATER MORE DISHES AND CUPS LITTER THE TABLE. MIDDLE OF RELATING A DREAM: CHANDLER All right. I’m back in high school. In the middle of the junior-senior lobby. And I realize I am totally naked. THE OTHERS I’ve had that dream. Oh, yeah. Sure. CHANDLER Then I look down and I realisze there’s a phone... theres. DISSOLVE TO: CHANDLER IS IN THE

JOEY Instead of... ? CHANDLER Yup. THE OTHERS I have naver had that dream. Wow. You are alone. CHANDLER All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. I don’t knovw what to do. Everyone starts looking at me. MONICA They weren’t looking at you CHANDLER I fiqgure I better ansver it. Turns out it’s my mother. Which is really veird, ’‘cause she never calls me. oh, yeah, that’s vhat’s wveird. IN THE MIDST OF THIS, ROSS, MONICA'S OLDER BROTHIR, ENTEZRS. HER IS TOTALLY DESPONDENT. HE MOVES TO THE OTHERS AND SITS. ROSS (A VOICE FROM THE ABYSS) Hi.

JOEY This guy says hello, I wanna kill nyself. MONICA You okay? ROSS I feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed ny small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around ay neck. CHANDLER (OPFERING) Cookie? MONICA (EXPLAINING TO THE OTHERS) Carol aoved her stuff out today. PHOEBE GOES TO ROSS AND WAVES HER HANDS WILDLY VERY CLOSE TO HIS HEAD. ROSS (DUCKING) What are you doing? PHOEBE I’m cleansing your aura. ROSS Well... don’t. Just -- just leave my aura alone. 1’11 be fine. Really. Look, I hope she’ll be happy.

MONICA No, you don’t. ROSS No, I don‘t. Okay, I hope she’ll be happy but not until 1’'m happy. may take forever, but the hell with her, ghe left JOEY (AFTER A PAUSE) And you never knew she was a lesbian? ROSS (SNAPPING) No! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She know, how should I know? 1It’s not like there’s a mark on her head. CHANDLER Sometimes I wish I vere a lesbian. (OPF THEIR LOOKS) Did I say that out loud? ROSS (TO MONICA) I told Mom and Dad last night.

MONICA Yeah, I know. Then they called and yelled at mq for an hour and a half. They couldn’t quite explain how I‘m responsible for your ex-wife’s sexual preference, but that didn’t stop thea. JOEY (TO ROSS) Alright, look. feelin’ a lot of pain right now. You’re angry. You’re hurt. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. You knov wvhat the answer is? You need another wvoman. MONICA Oh, please. That’s your ansver to "Do you want mores coffee?" JORY Hey, you gotta get back on the horse. MONICA And speaking for all wvomen, thank you for the livestock analogy.

ROSS But I don’‘t want another woman. I don’t want to be single. I don'‘t want to put together all that IKEA furniture by myself. I just -- I just want to be married again. AT THAT MOMENT, A WOMAN IN A BRIDAL GOWN ENTERS. SEEING THIS, CHANDLER TAKES A SHOT: CHANDLER And I just vant a lot of money. HE LOOKS AT THE DOOR, EXPECTANTLY. NOTHING. CHANDLER (CONT’D) See, nov vhy doesn’t it work for me? THE BRIDE GOES TO THE COUNTER. SHE IS SOAKING WET FROM THE RAIN. AS SHE ORDERS COFFEE: ROSS (TO MONICA) 1Isn’t that Rachel Robbins? MONICA Where? ROSS Where?? MONICA SEES THAT INDEED SHE KNOWS THE WET BRIDE. MONICA Be right back... (GOING OVER) Rachel? RACHEL TURNS AND SEES HER. SHE GREETS MONICA WITH AN OUTPOURING OF RELIEP:

RACHEL Oh, god, Monica, hi, thank god. I went to your apartment and you weren’t there and I didn’t know what to do and so I just came in here for == (TAKING COFFEE FROM WAITRESS) -~ thanks -- coffee. WAITRESS That’s a dollar twenty-five. RACHEL oh. Right. I I just have the penny my Aunt Harriet put in my shoe for luck. MONICA just guessing it didn’t SHE PAYS. THERE IS AN AWKWARD MOMENT AS SHE SURVEYS THE SOAKING WET BRIDE. MONICA 80... vhat’s new? RACHEL Not much. I’m supposed to get married in about... fifteen minutes. MONICA Ah. I didn’t knov. I gquess that’s because I wvasn’t, oh, I don’t knov, invited.

RACHEL I know. I'm sorry. MONICA Hey, it’s your wedding. I -- RACHEL Monica. MONICA I mean, I know we haven’t kept in touch lately, but -- RACHEL Monica. These shoes hurt. This cup is hot. Think you could get over this a little faster? MONICA I’11 work on it. C'’mon. SHE TAKES HER BACK TO THR TABLE. MONICA (CONT’D) Everybody, this is Rachel, vho I thought vas my best friend in high school. Rachel, this is everybody: Joey and Chandler and Phoebe and you remamber my brother, Ross. RACHEL Sure. ROSS (CLERRLY REMEMBERS HER) Hi. 10.

PHOEBE Great dress. RACHEL Thanks. It’s... (GETTING CHOKED UP) . Versace. MONICA What happened? RACHEL oh, god. I don’t know. I quess it was the gravy boat that started it. CHANDLER Isn’t it always. RACHEL I -- I vas in this rooa vhere ve vere keeping all the presents. And I looking at this gravy boat, this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. And all of a sudden I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry. And I got really freaked out and I vas talking about it Mindy, my maid of honor. And that’s wvhen it hit me hov much Barry looks like Mr. Potatohead. (MORE) 11.

RACHEL (cont’d) I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but -- So anyway, I just had to get out of there. And I didn’t know what to do or where to go. And you were the only one I knew who lived here in the city -- MONICA who wasn’t invited to the vedding. SHE SMILES, GUILTILY. THEN SHIVERS AND SNEEZES. 12.

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT - LATER CLOSE ON A TV. A SPANISH LANGUAGE SOAP OPERA IS IN PROGRESS. PULL BACK TO REVEAL THE GROUP, RIVETED, TRYING TO GUESS THE PLOT. ALL BUT RACHEL, WHO IS IN THE KITCHEN TALKING ON THE PHONE. SHE IS NOW WEARING A BORROWED PAIR OF JEANS AND A SWEATSHIRT, TOWEL-DRYING HER HAIR. CHANDLER Okay. Okay. The lady in the red dress is really pissed at the gquy who can’t stand still becauses... PHOEBE ... because he'’s breaking off their affair. MONICA ... because he’s vearing her top. MEANWHILE, RACHEL IS SPEAKING WITH HER RACHEL (TENTATIVELY) Hi, Daddy. ... No, I’'m okay. okay. Really. I Just... I'm sorry. I can’t marry him. ... I just don’t love him. ... Well, it matters to ag. Daddy, please don’t yell. I -- May I speak? ... May I speak? ... May I speak? AFTER A MOMENT, SHE HOLDS THE PHONE FROM HER EAR. WE CAN HEAR THE MUTED SQUAWKING OF HER FATHER. SHE LOOKS OUT AT THE TELEVISION. 13.

14. RACHEL (CONT’D) The woman in the red dress is upset because knows who tried to steal her baby. (OFF THEIR LOOKS) I took Spanish in college. JOEY Well, that sucks all the fun out of THEY CHANGE THE CHANNEL AND LAND ON SUSAN POWTER PUSHING HER DIET AND EXERCISE REGIMEN. CHANDLER Is it me, or is there something ironic about a bald, anorexic woman jumping up and down, screaming "stop the insanity"? MEANWHILE, RACHEL IS NOW ARGUING WITH HER PATHER, UPSET. RACHEL But, Daddy, it’‘s py life. ... Well, maybe that’s Ry decision. ... Maybe I’ll stay here. «ss Maybe I don’‘t need your money. Wait! I said "maybe”! BUT THERR’S NOTHING BUT DIAL TONE. THEY ALL STARE AT RACHEL. SHER LOOKS PALR. DISSOLVE TO:

INT, THE SAME - A LITTLE LATER MONICA, PHOEBE AND ROSS SIT WITH RACHEL WHO IS HYPERVENTILATING INTO A PAPER BAG. CHANDLER AND JOEY LOOK ON WITH CONCERN WHILE THEY RAID THE FRIDGE. ROSS Just breathe. Breathe. That’s Just relax. Try to think about nice, calm things. PHOEBE (SINGING SOFTLY) RAINDROPS ON ROSES AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS / DOORBELLS AND SLEIGHBELLS AND... SOMETHING WITH MITTENS / LA LA LA SOMETHING AND NOODLES WITH STRING / THESE ARR A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS... RACHEL (GASPING) Don’t sing. MONICA It’s gonna be okay. C’mon, all gotten along fine without your father’s money. You can, too. RACHEL (LOWERING BAG) You’‘re right. You’re right. (MORE)

RACHEL (cont’d) I’'ve never lived on my own and taken care of myself, and although it doesn’t sound like something particularly like, if I'm ever going to try it, now’s the time. So... MONICA So... what, s0? (OFF RACHEL'’S IMPLORING LOOK) Oh, no. Look, really not good with the roommate thing. No one should be around me in the morning. (TO THE OTHERS) Tell her. THE OTHERS It’s true. She’s a nightmare. PHOEBER I used to live vith her. She’s a total bitch. MONICA (THIN SMILE) There, you see. JORY Listen, if she says no, you know, you alvays got a place vith Joey. Me and Chandler live right across the hall. 16.

MONICA Joey, stop hitting on her. 1It’s her wedding day. (THEN, WITH A SIGH) Alright, look. We can it. But the minute we start sharing clothes or giving each other bikini waxes you’'re ocutta heres. SFX: INTERCOM BUZZER CHANDLER (INTO INTERCOM) Can I take your order? PAUL (OVER INTERCOM) It’s... Paul. MONICA Buzz him. (TO RACHEL) I totally forgot. I’m supposed to go out vith this qguy tonight. I’11 just tell him I can’t do it. ‘Cause let’s not forget, it’s not a raal date. RACHEL No. Go. I’ll be fine. Really. SFX: KNOCK AT THE DOOR MONICA OPENS IT TO REVEAL PAUL, A NICE-LOOKING GUY IN HIS LATE TWENTIES.

PAUL_ENTERS . MONICA Hey. C’mon in. Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, Paul. EVERYONE SAYS HI. AND WHEN HIS BACK IS TO THEM, THEY INDICATE TO MONICA: NOT BAD, ALL RIGHT, ETC. MONICA (CONT’D) I’11 be right out. SHE EXITS INTO THE BEDROCM. JOEY SHRUGS. JOEY (TO PAUL) Here’s a tip. She really likes it when you rub her neck on the same spot over and over and over again till it starts to get a little red. MONICA (0.S.) shut up, Joey! ROSS TURNS TO RACHEL, A LITTLE AWKWARD. ROSS 80... do you have any plans tonight? RACHEL Well, I wvas kind of supposed to be heading for Aruba on my honeymoon, 80... NO. 18.

ROSS Oh, right. Sure. Well, if you don’t feel like being alone, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture. CHANDLER And very excited about it. RACHEL Thanks. I think I’1ll just hang out here. 1It’s been a long day. ROSS Sure. Okay. Sure. JOEY Phoeebs, you wanna help? PHOEBE I wish I could. I can’t. 1I‘ve got to work tonight. 19.

20. INT, SUBWAY STATION - LATER PHOEBE IS SITTING ON THE GROUND, PLAYING ONE OF HER TERRIBLE FOLK SONGS. HER GUITAR CASE IS OPEN FOR MONEY. SHE SINGS: PHOEBE LOVE IS SWEET AS SUMMER SHOWERS, LOVE IS A WONDEROUS WORK OF ART, BUT YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE IS LIKE A GIANT PIGEON CRAPPING ON MY HEART.

INT, ROSS'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME IT IS A VIRTUALLY EMPTY APARTMENT. JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE DRINKING BEER AND HELPING ROSS PUT TOGETHER HIS NEW IKEA FURNITURE. ROSS IS WORKING ON SOMETHING THAT SOMEDAY WILL BE A COFFEE TABLE. JOEY READS INSTRUCTIONS FOR A BOOKCASE TO CHANDLER. JOEY Alright, you need to attach a brackety thing to the side things using a bunch of these little wora guys, and all of that hooks onto "H". CHANDLER I have no brackety things. I see no guys vhatsocever. 1I’m telling you, this is a Swedish conspiracy. ROSS (EQUALLY FRUSTRATED) What if I throv out all this stuff and just use the as a coffee table? I could put a cloth on it... 21.

INT, JAPANESE RESTAURANT - SAME TIME MONICA AND PAUL ARE ON THEIR DATE. COME TO A STANDSTILL. PAUL You knew I was married, MONICA Nooooco. No, I didn‘t. this surprises me. Wha going so well, and you and and al uh... look, I don’t go CONVERSATION HAS JUST right? Not that t with things being so nice 1. But, out with married guys. They have... wives. PAUL Whoa. Ho. No no. No no no. Has married. As in she left me. As in I would be happy to see her trapped in a mine disaster with a yeast infection. MONICA Oh. Well, at least you’re not angry. HE SMILES AND SHRUGS. 22.

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME RACHEL IS TALKING ON THE PHONE. SHE PACES, UPSET. SHE HANGS UP SHE’S CUT OFF AGAIN. RE-DIALS. RACHEL (INTO PHONE) I just wanted to say I'm sorry, Barry, I am so sorry. I know you probably think this is all about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on. But it isn‘t. 1It’s about I -- AND RE-DIALS. WAITS FOR THE MESSAGE. RACHEL (CONT'D) (INTO PHONE) I got beeped off again. Anyway. Look, I you probably hate me. And that’s fair. But I wanted you to knowv that if you ever just vant to talk to me or yell at me == here. You know, I still think you‘re one of the BOGE == 23. SHE ROLLS HER EYES, HANGS UP, AND CUT BACK TO:

INT, ROSS'S APARTMENT - LATER THE FURNITURE-BUILDING PROGRESSES SLOWLY. CHANDLER AND JOERY HAVE JUST FINISHED BUILDING A WALL UNIT. THEY SURVEY THEIR HANDIWORK PROUDLY. JOEY I’m thinkin’ we got a bookcase heres. CHANDLER It’s a beautiful thing. THEN JOEY NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR. JOEY (QUIETLY) What’s that? CHANDLER I would have to say it’s an L-shaped bracket. Which goes where? THEY BOTH STARE AT THE BOOKCASE. CHANDLER I have no idea. BEAT. JORY KICKS THE BRACKET UNDER THE SOPFA. JOEY Done with the bookcase! ROSS IS INTO HIS SECOND BEER. HE STARES AT THE FURNITURR PIECES AROUND HIN. ROSS I really miss her. 24.

JOEY Yo. If gonna start with that stuff, we’'re outta heres. CHANDLER (VERY DRY) Yeah. Don’t spoil the fun. ROSS You’re right. You’re right. I'’a sorry. (BEAT) I vas cleaning out the bathroom and I found an box of her maxi-pads. I just couldn’t get myself to throv them out. CHANDLER Sure. ROSS 80 I’ve been using thes as arch supports. JOEY / CHANDLER Av, man! Don’t tell us this! 25. CUT BACK TO:

INT, JAPANESE RESTAURANT - SAME TIME PAUL Ever since she left, I've been unable to perform... sexually. MONICA Yow. (THEN) 1I’'m sorry. is probably not the most appropriate response. PAUL It’s so bizarre. I mean, I a wvoman and it’s like my aind is going and ay going "Wanna bet?*® MONICA (MUCH MORE SYMPATHETICALLY) Yow. PAUL Yeah. SHE TAKES HIS HAND AND HOLDS IT. 26. CUT BACK TO:

INT. ROSS'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME THE GUYS HAVE STOPPED BUILDING FURNITURE AND ARE NOW JUST GETTING SERIOUS ABOUT THEIR BEER. ROSS I'm divorced! I‘m 26 and I'm divorced! JOEY Shut up! CHANDLER Ross, you'’ve got to understand. Betveen us, we haven’t had a relationship that’s lasted longer than a Mento. You had the love of a wvoman for four yesars. Four years of closeness and sharing, at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that’s why ve don’t do it! (BEAT) I don’t think that was point. ROSS Okay okay okay. Okay. What if -- vhat if there vas only one for What if you only get gna and that’s it? Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for hex.

JOEY What are you talkin’ about? "One woman." That’s like sayin’ there’s only one flavor of ice creanm for you. Let me tell you somethin’, there’s lotg of flavors out theres. (INCREASINGLY PASSIONATE) There’s Rocky Road and Cookie Dough and Bing Cherry Vanilla. They got kinds with fudge swirls and nougat. You can get ‘em with jimnies or nuts or no nuts or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were like vhat, gight? Welcome back to the vorld! Grab a spoon! ROSS (AFTER A BEAT) I honestly don’t knov if I‘m horny or hungry. CHANDLER Then stay out of my freezer. 28.

29. INT, MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT - LATER GLOSE ON THE TV SET. IT’S AN OLD "HAPPY DAYS" RERUN. THE ONE WHERE JOANIE AND CHACHI GET MARRIED. PULL BACK TO REVEAL RACHEL WATCHING. THERE ARE TEARS IN HER EYES AND A GALLON TUB OF ICE CREAM IN HER LAP. AS CHACHI SAYS "I RACHEL WIPES AWAY A TEAR WITH HER WEDDING VEIL. RACHEL (TO HERSELF) See, but, Joanie loved Chachi. That’s the difference... CUT BACK TO:

’ - PAUL HAS BROUGHT MONICA HOME. THEY STAND OUTSIDE HER DOOR. MONICA This was great. I mean it. I was fully prepared for you to eat with the food on the outside of your mouth or make little bunnies out of your napkin -- it’s happened -- but this was great. PAUL It really wvas. Anywvay... THE AIR IS THICK WITH SEXUAL TENSION. HE LEANS IN TO KISS HER. BUT RIGHT BEFORE THEIR LIPS TOUCH: PAUL So can I call you again? MONICA (POCUSED ON HIS LIPS) Uh huh. PAUL (EVEN CLOSER) Tomorrow okay? MONICA Uh huh. PAUL I wvas thinking ve could -- MONICA Paul. Shut up. SHE KISSES HIM. A GOOD KISS. THEY PRESS AGAINST EACH OTHER. ALL OF A SUDDEN BOTH THEIR EYES WIDEN. MONICA GLANCES DOWN. PAUL TRIES TO SUPPRESS A GRIN. 30.

PAUL We’re, uh, we’re not alone. MONICA I... noticed. PAUL This is... historic. I mean... oh, my god. SHE LAUGHS AND KISSES HIM AGAIN. THEN: MONICA You... wanna come in? PAUL I don’t knov. I mean, I dg, but, I don’t know. Maybe should take this slow. MONICA Believe me, I’m all for slow. PAUL Okay. Tomorrow. We’ll talk. MONICA Tomorrow. (OPENING THE DOOR) Goodnight. SHE TURNS. BEAT. THEY KISS AGAIN. AND AGAIN. THEY PALL INTO THE APARTMENT. CUT TO:

EXT, NEW YORK - STOCK SHOT THE. SKYLINE OF NEW YORK AT NIGHT. WE HEAR THE LAST STRAINS OF PHOEBE'’S SONG: PHOEBE (0.S.) ... AND YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE IS LIKE A FURBALL IN MY THROAT. FADE OUT. 32.

EADE IN: INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING RACHEL IS IN A ROBE, AGT TWQ WHO HAVE COME OVER TO MOOCH SOME BREAKFAST. RACHEL (EXCITED) it amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my life. CHANDLER / JOEY That ig amazing. Congratulations. RACHEL You know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn’t anything I can’t do. CHANDLER I think it’s "If I can invade Poland, there isn’t anything I can’t do." JOEY Listen, while you’re on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make, like, a vestern omeletts or something == (TASTING COFFEE) -- although, actually, I’m really not that hungry this morning. POURING COFFEE FOR CHANDLER AND JOEY 33.

34. CHANDLER (OVERLAPPING, ALSO HAVING TASTED IT) Mmmm. Just coffee for me. It’s a breakfast unto itself. RACHEL You’re welcome. AS SHE TURNS HER BACK TO PUT THE COFFEE POT BACK ON THE STOVE, THE GUYS MOUTH TO EACH OTHER THAT THIS IS PERHAPS THE WORST COFFEE EVER BREWED BY PEOPLE. AT THAT MOMENT, THE DOOR TO MONICA’S BEDROOM OPENS. SHE EMERGES DRESSED FOR WORK. EVERYONE Morning. MONICA (NONCHALANT) Good WITH THAT, PAUL EMERGES, DRESSED AS HE WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE. HE SMILES, KIND OF SHEEPISHLY. PAUL Morning. EVERYONE (SUPPRESSED SMILES) Hello, Paul. Morning, Paul. Hello, Paul. AS MONICA LEADS HIM TO THE DOOR: PAUL (SOTTO) Do those live here? MONICA No. They’re just the lLenny and Squiqggy of my life. THEY STAND IN THE DOORWAY AND CONTINUE IN WHISPERS.

PAUL Thank you. Thank you so much. HE KISSES HER. MONICA EYES THE OTHERS PEERING AROUND TO SEE. MONICA We’ll talk later. PAUL Thank. You. HE GOES. MONICA CLOSES THE DOOR AND SIGHS. JOEY And that wasn’t a real date. What the hell do you do on a real date? MONICA I’m afraid that’'s a mystery you will never unravel. CHANDLER All right, kids, I’ve got to get to vork. If I don’t input those numbers... it doesn’t make much difference. RACHEL S0, like, you gquys all have jobe? THE OTHER THREE EXCHANGE A LOOK. MONICA Yeah, ve all have jobs. That’s hov ve... buy stuff.

JOEY (TO RACHEL, VERY COOL) I’'m an actor. RACHEL Wow. Would I have seen you in anything? JOEY I doubt it. Mostly regional work. MONICA Unless you happened to catch the Wee One’s production of "Pinocchio” at the Little Theatre in the Park. (SNAPPING, DEFENSIVE) It was a job, all right?? CHANDLER "Look, Gepetto, a real, live Thank you. You can both die slowly. HE STORME OUT. CHMANDLER POLLOWS. CHANDLER He was really very good. HE LEAVES. MONICA GOES OVER TO RACHEL. MONICA How you doing today?

RACHEL (SLYLY) Not as good as you. But I'm okay. Really. Go. You go to work. AND WITH THAT, SHE TAKES HER COFFEE, CURLS UP ON THE COUCH AND TURNS ON THE T.V. AS KATIE COURIC CHATS WITH BRYANT, MONICA GOES OVER TO RACHEL. MONICA Uh, Rach. Little thing. you’‘re gonna be staying here, you’re gonna have to help with the, you know, rent? RACHEL (WITH A SHRUG) Okay. MONICA which probably means getting one of those job things? RACHEL Oh. Okay. Not a problem. MONICA (SKEPTICAL) Really. RACHEL Hey, I made coffee. AS MONICA PONDERS THIS... 37.

INT, CHANDLER'S OFFICE - LATIR WELL, NOT REALLY AN OFFI CHANDLER SITS BEFORE HIS VISITING. HE IS SHARING I know sitt thing is ki CE. MORE LIKE A TINY CUBICLE. COMPUTER SCREEN. RACHEL IS HIS WORK ETHIC WITH HER: CHANDLER ing in front of this lling my brain cells and my sperm, but I get to make free long distance calls, so what the hell. CHANDLER'S SUPERVISOR, AN OLDER WOMAN WITH A GRIM EXPRESSION, PASSES BX. CHANDLER’S CUBICLE. HE Hello, Mrs. looking lov pin? Smell think? THE WOMAN SAYS NOTHING. AND MOVES OFF. Woman scare SHE PEERS OVER THE TOP OF SMILES AT HER. CHANDLER (CONT'D) Van Boone. You're ely today. Is that a nev 8 like autuan, don’t you SHE GIVES HIM ONE PINAL DARK LOOK CHANDLER (CONT'’D) s the hell out of me. Anyvay, your resume... (STARTING TO TYPE) Okie experience? none? None. Job dokie. Previous RACHEL CHANDLER skills...

RACHEL None. CHANDLER That'’s two "none"s. One more and they can walk into a bar. Okay... education? RACHEL A bachelors in art history. CHANDLER With a minor in... ? RACHEL Dance. CHANDLER Dance. You should do just fine. 39.

INT, BLOOMINGDALES - LATER NEAR THE FRAGRANCE COUNTER. JOEY IS NOW IN A TUXEDO. HE HOLDS AN ATOMIZER WHICH HE OFFERS TO PASSING CUSTOMERS: RACHEL COMES SHE RUMWS JOEY Aramis... Aramis... Aramis... UP. JOEY (CONT’D) Hey, gorgeous. How’s the huntin’? RACHEL Uch, don’t ask. But I got an interview here at four as an assistant buyer. I mean, doesn’t that sound like the perfect job for me? If anything, I’'m overqualified. JOEY If anything you’re late. RACHEL (LOOKING AT HER WATCH) Oh oh oh == JORY JOEY Aramis... Aramis... 40. DISSOLVE TO:

INT. THE SAME - A LITTLE LATER JOEY IS NOW COMING ON TO A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN CUSTOMER. ' JOEY Here. Smell me. RACHEL COMES BOUNDING UP, BUOYANT. RACHEL Hey, Joey! JOEY You got the jobl! RACHEL No! But I found this gresat pair of boots. SHE OPENS HER SHOPPING BAG. HE LOOKS IN. READS THE PRICE ON THE BOX. JOEY Wow. Pour hundred bucks. You really got this vhole impoverished, out of work thing down. RACHEL BEAMS. 41.

INT, RESTAURANT KITCHEN - SAME TIME MONICA IS AT WORK AS AN ASSISTANT CHEF IN AN ELEGANT UPTOWN FRENCH RESTAURANT. SHE IS IN A GREAT MOOD, STILL IN THE FLUSH OF AFTERGLOW. [FRANNY, ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN CHEF, COMES UP BESIDE HER. AS THEY SAUTE: FRANNY Hey. MONICA Hey. FRANNY How was your weekend? MONICA (SLY SMILE) Not bad. FRANNY You had sex, didn’t you? MONICA (SMILING) I may have had sex, Yes. Onions. FRANNY (RANDING THEM TO HER) And the drought is over. So... who? MONICA You know Paul, the wine guy? FRANNY oh, yeah. I know Paul. Is he unbelievable or what? (MORE)

FRANNY (cont’d) I mean, I could never see going out with him seriously. I mean, he’s such a hound. But between those Wamsuttas... hello! MONICA (STUNNED) When -- when did you go out with him? FRANNY I dunno. Like twvo months ago. AS MONICA AND THE ONIONS BURN... 43.

INT, COPFEE HOUSE - LATER THAT EVENING THE GROUP IS GATHERED. JOEY Of course it was a line! MONICA Why -- why =-- why would anybedy do something like that?? ROSS I assume we’re looking for an answer more sophisticated than "to get you into bed". JOEY Let’s put it this vay... vere you especially attentive last night? selfless and giving? You xnov, makin’ that little extra effort ‘cause it was all about hin? MONICA I hate men. I hate nmen. PHOEBE She’s right. A voman wvould never do something like this. ROSS Oh, yeah? Well, you ever hear about a man faking it?

RACHEL We do that for yoy! CHANDLER And don’t think we don’t appreciate it. MONICA Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? PHOEBE It’s not you. ROSS Actually, I think it might be. Ninth grade. Ronnie Sugarman. And that kid from caap who was afraid of your bike. RACHEL (TO ROSS) Oh, and remember vhen Doug McCalister tried to feel her up the oven-mitt. MONICA (HAD ENOUGH) Okay! JOEY (ENJOYING THIS) Sounds like you can really pick ‘em. 45.

MONICA Yeah, it’s a wonder I haven’t slept with yoy vet. JOEY ow. MONICA (WITH A SIGH) Well, that’s it. Forget dating. I mean it this time. Kennedys could call me! CHANDLER Especially Kennedys. MONICA THROWS DOWN HER NAPKIN IN DISGUST. MONICA (SOPTLY) I just -- I just thought he was nice. You know? THERE IS AN UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE. THEN: JORY I can’t believe you didn’t know it vas & line. AS MONICA LEAPS ACROSS THRE TABLE TO KILL HINM...

INT, MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT - LATER THEY ARE ALL BACK IN THE APARTMENT. THE GUYS ARE AGAIN RAIDING THE FRIDGE. MONICA Why don‘t I just bring my groceries strajght to your place. JOEY (MOUTH FULL) Orkay. MONICA COMES ACROSS RACHEL’S BLOOMINGDALES BAG. SHE TAKES OUT THE BOOTS. What’s this? RACHEL They’re my nev I-don’t-need-a-job-I- boots boots. MONICA How’d you pay for them? RACHEL Credit card. MONICA And vho pays for that? RACHEL (BARELY AUDIBLE) My father. 47.

MONICA SO when you say you don’t need your parents, you mean except for the stuff you want to buy. RACHEL What would you like me to do? Not have my parents pay for anything?? MONICA Rach, you can’t live off theam your whole life. RACHEL I know that! That'’s why I vas getting married! PHOEBE (TO MONICA) Oh, give her a break. It’s hard being on your own for the tirst time. RACHEL Thank you. PHOEBE (TO RACHEL) I remember vwhen I first came to the city. I wvas fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad vas back in prison. (MORE) 48.

PHOEBE (cont’d) And when I got here, I didn’t know anybody and I ended up living with this albino quy who sold smack in Port Authority. Then hg killed himself and then I found aromatherapy. So, believe me, I know exactly how you feel. RACHEL CAN ONLY STARE AT HER. MONICA Look, maybe this whole roommate thing wasn’t such a great idea. I mean, this is high school all over again. (TO THE OTHERS) I work every afternoon, every veekend for twvo years to buy this horrible Chevette held together vith band-aids and no windows. Her father buys her a BMW convertible. (TO RACHEL) This is the real world. I don’t need that here. ROSS (TO RACHEL) That was such a great car. 49.

MONICA Ross! RACHEL Do you know how jealous I was of your car? MONICA Oh, please. RACHEL I was! ‘Cause it was yours! I look at you guys in your crappy apartaents with no doormen and used furniture, working just to make rent and I think... that is so great. So how come I want to hit you vith a brick? RACHEL I just don’t think I can do it. This is me. This is vho I am. MONICA Bull. That’s not all you are. You think you’d be my friend? Give Be some credit. RACHEL STARES AT HER. 50. DISSOLVE TO:

INT, THE SAME - A LITTLE LATER RACHEL SITS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WITH HER CREDIT CARDS SPREAD OUT BEFORE HER. THE OTHERS LOOK ON, SUPPORTIVELY. RACHEL PICKS UP A SCISSORS. SHE HESITATES. RACHEL Is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging any time I want. CHANDLER The first step is admitting you have a problen. RACHEL I can’t do MONICA You can. ROSS (TO RACHEL) Come on. JOEY Go, Rach. THEY ALL START TO CHEER HER ON. RACHEL Oh, god... WITH THAT, SHE CUTS THE FIRST CARD IN HALP. SHE LETS OUT A LITTLE CRY. THRE OTHERS RACHEL (CONT’D) You know what? I think we should just leave it at that. You knov, lixe a symbolic gesture. Si.

MONICA That was a gas card. You don’t even have a car in the city. RACHEL Okay, okay, fine. WITH THAT, SHE QUICKLY AND PAINFULLY CUTS THROUGH THE OTHER CARDS. CHANDLER If you listen very carefully, you can hear a thousand retailers RACHEL HESITATES AT THE LAST ONE. VERY NOSTALGIC. RACHEL This vas my first one. You can hardly see the numbers. They have to punch thea in -- the magnetic strip doesn’t vork anymore. MONICA Rachel. Cut the card. RACHEL SUMMONS HER COURAGE AND CUTS. THR OTHERS CHEER. MONICA GIVES HER A HUG. MONICA (CONT'’D) Welcome to the real wvorld. It really sucks. You’‘re gonna love it. DISSOLVE TO: S2.

INT, THE SAME - LATER THAT NIGHT JOEY, CHANDLER AND PHOEBE HAVE LEFT. MONICA, RACHEL AND ROSS SIT WATCHING TELEVISION AND EATING OREOS. ON THE TV IS “"THE DR. BERNEY SHOW". THE VETERINARIAN IS SHOWING A WOMAN HOW TO GIVE EYE DROPS TO HER CAT. ROSS YAWNS. MONICA You wanna crash on the couch? ROSS That'’s okay. MONICA You sure? make you peanut butter and bananas. ROSS Nah. I gotta go home sometime. MONICA Yeah, well, I gotta go to sleep sometime, so... SHE GETS UP, KISSES HIM ON THE HEAD AND STARTS TOWARD THE BEDROOM. ROSS Don’t forget, tomorrow’s Dad’s birthday. MONICA (PISSED) Oh, great. Wait till today to tell me. Like I can really get a card to him by tomorrov. Jerk. SHE GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. ROSS TURNS TO RACHEL. S3.

ROSS In my heart, I'm an only child. RACHEL (RE: THE LAST You want {t? ROSS Split it with you. (THEY DO; BEAT) You probably didn’t know this, but back in high school I had a major crush on you. RACHEL I knev. ROSS (BRIGHTENING) You did? Really? I alwvays figqured you thought I was just Monica’s geeky older brother. RACHEL I did. ROSS Ah. SHE AND GIVES HIM A SMILE. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. ROSS (CONT’D) Listen. Do you think -- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become a factor here -- do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometine, maybe? S4.

RACHEL 5S. (WITH A SMILE) Yeah, maybe. ROSS Okay. Okay, maybe I will. ‘Night. RACHEL ‘Night. HE GETS UP AND STARTS FOR THE DOOR. BEDROOM. SHE SEES HIS FACE -- HE IS WITH HIMSELP. MONICA What'’s with you? ROSS I just grabbed a spoon. AND WITH THAT... MONICA COMES OUT OF HER CLEARLY VERY PLEASED DISSOLVE TO:

INT, COPFEE HOUSE - SEVERAL DAYS LATER MONICA, PHOEBE AND THE GUYS ARE HANGING OUT. MONICA Okay, fine. 1It'’s a great butt. It’s a phenomenal butt. (THEN) 1In a Ned Beatty sort of way. JOEY Shut up. Just shut up. MONICA LAUGHS. THE WAITRESS COMES OVER TO THE TABLE. WAITRESS You guys want any coffee? WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL THAT THE WAITRESS IS RACHEL. CHANDLER Did you maka it or are you just serving it? RACHEL Just serving it. sure, 1’11 have some. PFill ’‘er up. I’11 have coffee. AS SHE FOURS: PHOEBE You knowv who had great legs? Mr. Greenjeans. ROSS When did you see his legs? S6.

AND AS THEY ALL CHIME IN, LA WE... UGHING AND TALKING AT ONCE, FADE OUT.

58. TAG EADE IN: INT. APARTMENT - EVENING ALL OF THE FURNITURE IS FINISHED. AND ALL OF IT IS A LITTLE ASKEW. ROSS GOES TO HIS KITCHEN TABLE AND SETS A GLASS DOWN ON IT. HE SITS. THE CHAIR IS VISIBLY UNEVEN, ROCKING FROM LEG TO LEG. AS HE TRIES TO FIX IT, THE GLASS BEGINS TO SLOWLY SLIDE DOWN THE SLANTED TABLE. HE CATCHES IT JUST IN TIME. SFX: A KNOCK AT THE DOOR ROSS GETS UP AND ANSWERS IT. HE IS SURPRISED TO DISCOVER CARQL, HIS SOON-TO-BE EX-WIFE. ROSS Carol. CAROL Hi. The place looks good. ROSS (TILTING HIS HEAD) Especially if you go like this. Which is because all the furniture is kind of... never mind. 8o, uh... vhat’s up? CAROL I’a pregnant. THE GLASS PALLS OFF THE TABLE. ROSS GLANCES AT IT. THEN BACK TO CAROL. ROSS I’m sorry, vhat was that? CAROL I’m pregnant. And... I want to keep ic.

Is... ROSS is it mine? CAROL Well, we know it’s not Susan’s. ROSS TAKES THIS IN. AND ON THIS LITTLE CLIFFHANGER... FADE OUT.