46439 REVISED FINAL PILOT EPISODE DECEMBER 8, 1971 TWENTIETH CENTURY-FQX TELEVISION ¥

5439 Pilot Episode by Larry Gelbart REVISED FINAL’ December 8, 1971

6439 THE PLACE The river valley in which the 4077th MASH is situated is almost surrounded by mountains. The components of the post are spread out in a rough horseshoe with a large compound of level ground in the middle. At the nearest end of the horseshoe is the main Hospital Building made of wood with a tin roof marked by a large Red Cross; everything else is made of canvas. To the left of the main building. are strung out: the Admitting Ward, Laboratory, Dental Clinic, Mess Hall, PX, Shower Tent, Barber's Tent and the Enlisted Men's Tents. On the right side are the Post-Op Ward, Officers' Tents, Nurses' Tents, Korean Domestics' Tents and, finally, the Officer's Club. There are two wooden, painted signs driven into the ground that we see from time to time. The first reads: "THIS IS WHERE IT IS - PARALLEL 38" Below these words arrows point to "NORTH KOREA" in one direction, "SOUTH KOREA" in the opposite. The second, larger sign has multiple, hand-carved Plaques that point in various directions and give the mileage to such diverse places as TOKYO, SEOUL, INDIANAPOLIS, SAN FRANCISCO, DEATH VALLEY, CONEY ISLAND, etc.

6439 SET LIST INTERIORS: HENRY BLAKE'S TENT HOT LIPS' TENT OPERATING ROOM THE SWAMP HENRY BLAKE'S OFFICE AND OUTER OFFICE NURSES' TENT RECREATION TENT BARBER'S TENT POST-OP WARD MESS HALL SEOUL OFFICERS' CLUB STATESIDE BASE - DOCTOR'S OFFICE INT./EXT. HAMMOND'S HELICOPTER EXTERIORS: HELICOPTER PAD MASH COMPOUND TENT #6 "THE SWAMP" HOT LIPS' TENT (WINDOW) KIMPO AIRFIELD (SEOUL) IMJIN RIVER BANK COM

6439 THE PEOPLE CAPT, BENJAMIN FRANKLIN PIERCE ("HAWKEYE" New Englander; 28, stoop- shouldered, spectacled, usually in need of a haircut. CAPT, JOHN F.X. McINTYRE ("TRAPPER Mid-or-Southwesterner, 28. A bit neater than Hawkeye, but not much. Chief interest: medicine, golf, very dry martinis and women - not necessarily in that order. HO-JON. Korean houseboy for "Tne Swamp"; speaks relatively fluent English. LT, COL. HENRY Commanding Officer, 4077th MASH. 48, overweight, under- haired; apt to stutter in times of stress. A man who doesn't like the boat rocked. CAPT, LESLIE U.S. ARMY NURSE, 33; she has assisted Henry so long they have a smooth, almost husband/wife relationship. FATHER JOHN PATRICK MULCAHEY ("DAGO YOUNG, lean, hungry-looking, hooked nosed, red-haired; Regular Army, regular guy. MAJOR MARGARET HOULIHAN ("HOT Chief Nurse; 35, very well- built, a lot of passion beneath her outward appearance of being only interested in going by the book. . MAJOR FRANK 35, mid-Westerner; officious, short-tempered hypocrite. CAPT, OLIVER WENDELL JONES 28, neurosurgeon; former college football star. CORPORAL "RADAR" O'REILLY,....... Young, short, long-necked; his ears leave his head at perfect right angles. Cont.

6439 THE PEOPLE (Cont.) PRIVATE LORENZO CAPT, BRIDGET McCARTHY LT. DISH. CAPT, "UGLY JOHN" BLACK.......00. BRIG, GEN. HAMILTON HARRINGTON HAMMOND.... LT, GINGER 19, dim bedpan jockey in Post-Op Ward. 30, attractive no-nonsense Army Nurse. 24, without question the best-looking nurse in military history. Austrailian, Chief Anesthesiologist, sports a huge RAF moustache. Mid-50's, career officer; puffy with self-importance, precious little humor. Army Nurse, 25, delicious. In addition to the MASH personnel, there are a number of young Korean boys who serve either as Waiters in the Mess Hall or as Houseboys. There are also some Korean women who help with the cooking and the endless laundry that is part of any hospital routine. The one member of the camp seen most frequently is the CAMP MUTT, a scruffy little dog. COM

"MASH" ACT ONE FADE IN CLOSE SHOT - GOLF BALL ON GROUND 1 Supered over, the legend: "KOREA, 1950... A hundred years CAMERA ZOOMS BACK to reveal: EXT, A LEVEL HILLTOP ON RIM OF MASH COMPOUND 2 A lovely Spring day. Preparing to drive the golf ball is HAWKEYE PIERCE, Standing by, sipping a martini is TRAPPER JOHN McINTYRE, Holding Hawkeye's drink is their Korean caddy/houseboy, HO-JON, neat~looking in his GI castoffs, whereas Hawkeye and Trapper appear slightly disreputable in their soiled fatigue pants, gaudy Hawaiian sport shirts and golf caps. Hawkeye addresses the ball, then sends it sailing o.s. Pleased, he hands his club to Ho-Jon, who replaces it in a@ well-equipped golf bag and hands Hawkeye his martini. Hawkeye gives Trapper a challenging glance as Trapper is handed a club and second golf ball by Ho-Jon. INT, HENRY BLAKE'S TENT 3 HENRY BLAKE, in surgeon's cap, his masked lowered, wears look of great concentration as he stares down, trying to accomplish an action that is below frame. LESLIE SCORCH looks over his shoulder, equally concerned about what’ he is doing. CLOSE SHOT - DAGO RED 4 He is napping outside a tent in the warm sun; his markings identify him as a priest. A mosquito is heard buzzing about his face. He shakes his head in annoyance. A beat, then he raises his hand to chase the insect from his fore- head and automatically, still asleep, makes the sign of the Cross. INT, HOT LIPS! TENT - DAY 5 HOT LIPS and FRANK BURNS sit on either side of a small table, engrossed in their individual reading. She makes notes from the U.S. Army Manual, he reads the Bible. CAMERA PANS to the floor to show both are barefoot and playing “toesies" with each other. COM

6439 2 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DAY 6 A football is being tossed expertly by SPEARCHUCKER to RADAR and BOONE. INT. HENRY'S TENT - DAY T Henry's hands still work on his out-of-frame chore, with Leslie in attendance. Suddenly, there is a loud "Pop!" ANOTHER ANGLE - HENRY'S TENT 8 Shows us Henry has just opened a bottle of champagne. Leslie quickly puts two glasses under the overflowing bottle. EXT. LEVEL HILLTOP - DAY 9 Hawkeye and Ho-Jon watch Trapper, determined to show his best form, pull his club back and drive the ball hard and clean. EXT, GOLF BALL - TRAVELING SHOT - DAY 10 CAMERA FOLLOWS the ball's high, graceful trajectory. As it nears the barren ground, CAMERA picks up a painted sign: "DANGER - MINEFIELD" Slight pause, then a trémendous explosion where the ball falls in the field. TRAPPER Fore! HAWKEYE Well, if you're going to make your own holes..... CLOSE SHOT - RADAR O'REILLY - DAY 11 Catching a pass, he suddenly ‘cocks his head to one side. RADAR Here they come! ANGLE ON SPEARCHUCKER 12 SPEARCHUCKER (puzzled) I don't hear anything. THREE SHOT - RADAR, SPEARCHUCKER AND BOONE 13 RADAR Wait for it! The other two look about, still unable to hear whatever it is Radar has picked up. They don't have to wait long. The unmistakable sound of helicopters in the sky becomes louder and somewhat ominous as they approach the camp. COG

3 TITLE SEQUENCE - DAY 14 Over the following, we hear a GIRL singing the ballad, "AGAIN" ("Again, this couldn't happen again, etc."): A. AIR RESCUE HELICOPTERS appear in the sky, growing larger and louder as they near the M4SH compound. B, CLOSE SHOT - P.A, SPEAKER MOUNTED ATOP HIGH POST P.A, VOICE Attention, all personnel! All personnel report immediately to Admitting Ward and Operating Room! om GENERAL CAMP AREA is alive with activity. Checkerboards are thrown aside. A pair of Corpsmen run out of the Shower Tent, wearing only towels. A Corpsman dashes from the Barber's Tent, his hair only shaved off half his head. The CAMP MUTT runs about excitedly. Occasional Korean and Australian members of MASH are involved in: D. UNLOADING THE CHOPPERS Countless hands help remove the wounded and begin treatment even before they reach the Hospital, administering plasma, injecting syringes, etc. There is considerable fumbling, stumbling and cursing by Corpsmen and the wounded. E. THE P.A. SPEAKER AGAIN competing with the roar of the choppers, the various jeep, ambulance and truck engines: P.A, VOICE All personnel! Both day and night shifts! Report to Admitting Ward and Operating Room! Attention, all personnel ... Supered over 14-A through 14-E are OPENING TITLES. At their conclusion, the song "AGAIN" fades and we are in: INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY 15 Working at different tables, all dressed in surgical gear, are: Hawkeye, assisted by LT, DISH; Trapper and Spear- chucker, working side by side, assisted by KNOCKO; Henry, assisted by Frank, assisted by GINGER. Hot Lips circulates, overseeing the nurses! work. The room is filled with an aura of efficient professional- ism, the swift completion of difficult decisions and tasks, Cont.

6439 4 15 Cont. Dago Red goes from table to table offering words of solace’ and encouragement. Radar and Boone peer through the door cut-outs with keen interest. The following speech begins CLOSE on Hawkeye and continues as CAMERA studies the faces of the various men and women, glimpses what they are doing and does not spare us entirely some of the unpleasantness to be found in such a situation. HAWKEYE'S VOICE {o.s.) 'Dear Dad ... You said I sounded a bit callous about my job in my last letter. Let me see if I can put things another way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we are not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient. We care only about getting the kid out-of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and wetre not dainty, a lot of these kids who can stand two hours on the table just can't stand one second more. We try to play par surgery on this course. Par is a live patient.'! At the finish, we are on: TWO SHOT - HAWKEYE AND DISH 16 She blots his forehead as he operates on his patient. HAWKEYE I'll debride the wound, then we'll go in after the spleen. Dish nods her pretty head in understanding. HAWKEYE You wouldn't like to play a little doctor when we finish, would you? Her eyes disapprove and smile at the same time. TRAPPER AND SPEARCHUCKER'S TABLE 17 They are having a rough time with their patient. SPEARCHUCKER We're losing him. Cont. CON

6439 17 Cont. TRAPPER (calls out) Hey, Red! Dago Red starts for their table. TRAPPER We need a little Cross Action here. Put in a fix, will you? Dago Red begins praying over their patient as they go on working on him, . DAGO RED .-. May God remit unto thee the pains of the present and future life, open to thee the gates of heaven and bring thee to ever- lasting life. Hot Lips steps up close to Hawkeye, inquires officiously: HOT LIPS Everything under control? HAWKEYE Fine, but if you don't move, I'll have to saw around your B Cups. Offended, Hot Lips moves on. FRANK'S TABLE 18 FRANK (hotly, to Ginger) I don't want a Kelly clamp, Lieutenant! GINGER . But that's what you asked for, FRANK Give me what I want not what I ask for. I'm the doctor, Lieutenant. ANOTHER ANGLE - TO INCLUDE HAWKEYE 19 HAWKEYE Cut the crapola, Frank; you can show us all your diploma later! COG

6 VARIOUS TABLES 20 As the work continues, all the following are heard o.s.: HENRY'S VOICE Gelfoam and chisel. LESLIE'S VOICE Gelfoam and chisel. SPEARCHUCKER'S VOICE Common carotid's cut right through. HAWKEYE'S VOICE Cross-match him for five units. O-positive. FRANK'S VOICE I need some drainage here. HENRY'S VOICE Don't like the look of that pleural cavity. TRAPPER'S VOICE How's he holding, Gas-Passer? DISH'S VOICE I'm getting some bubbles here. HAWKEYE'S VOICE. Do two cutdowns and start the plasma. TRAPPER AND SPEARCHUCKER'S TABLE 21 Dago Red is making the sign of the Cross over their patient. DAGO RED May Almighty God bless thee, Father, Son and Holy Ghost. KNOCKO (taking patient's pulse) He's coming around! TRAPPER (smiles, gratefully) Thanks, Red. Your last rites never fail. Must be your delivery. Dago Red, Pleased, yet somehow embarrassed, moves along. The surgical activity continues. DISSOLVE TO: COM

7 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DAY 22 Doctors and Nurses leave the Hospital. In fatigues once more, 411 bone-tired; a minimum of small talk. Frank and Hot Lips, both clearly upset, approach Hawkeye. FRANK Pierce! Hold up! How dare you... HAWKEYE (wearily) Lay off, Frank. I've had a hard day at the office. . FRANK Your conduct in there -- (indicates Hospital) - was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man. HAWKEYE Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened _an invitation from President Truman. to come to this costume party. As for my ability as a doctor, if you honestly question that, I'm afraid I'll just have to challenge you to a duel. Trapper ENTERS FRAME, his arm around a Nurse's waist. TRAPPER Swords or pistols? HAWKEYE I thought specimen at twenty paces, FRANK (irately) There is a lady present! HAWKEYE (to Hot Lips) Sorry, baby. HOT LIPS Major, to you! HAWKEYE Right you are, Major Baby. Cont.

6439 8 22 Cont. Hot Lips reacts, then shoots the Nurse a disapproving look, Getting the message, the Nurse takes Trapper's hand from her waist, FRANK You're both a disgrace to this outfit. HAWKEYE Listen, Frank, we've all had twelve, straight hours of meatball surgery and my brain is sending me urgent rest telegrams. Surely, you must be beat, too, after all that mal- practice you just got in. Frank looks ready to explode. TRAPPER You wasted enough stitches in there to sew a hem ‘round the entire U.S. Army. HOT LIPS dismissed, McIntyre! (to Hawkeye) And you! HAWKEYE Thanks, Mother. We've got to get up early anyway and fix MacArthur's hernia. Come on, Mary. Hawkeye and Trapper LEAVE 4 steaming Frank and Hot Lips. EXT, P.A. SPEAKER - CLOSE SHOT - DAY 23 A JAPANESE GIRL SINGER, backed by a Japanese dance band is HEARD doing "DEAR HEARTS AND GENTLE PEOPLE," It continues over: EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DAY 2k Hawkeye and Trapper, his arm around another Nurse's waist. He releases her as they near: EXT. TENT #6 - "THE SWAMP” - DAY 25 A wooden sign over the door, in red paint: "THE SWAMP," VOCAL cuts OUT as Hawkeye and Trapper ENTER: INT. "THE SWAMP" ~ DAY 26 Four canvas cots, sleeping bags on them, a plank floor, oil stove, electric light, a few crude shelves, a table, a chair, Cont. COG

Alaa 9 26 Cont. assorted crates serving as same. In one corner, the pride of the tent - a bubbling still, a homemade collection of pipes and tubing which manufactures the lethal “Swampmen's Gin." Spearchucker, in his underwear, lies on his cot enjoying a can of beer, a cigarette and a letter from home. Ho-Jon has his nose in a book. TRAPPER (finishing a story) Oh, she didn't mind my checking her tonsils, she just didn't understand why she had to get undressed first. HAWKEYE That's a woman all over. TRAPPER Best place for ‘em to be. As they make themselves comfortable, putting on such civilian items as a Panama hat, house slippers, etc.: SPEARCHUCKER Night, all. (tosses beer can to Ho-Jon) I've left a call for Nineteen sixty- five, He turns over to Ho-Jcn brings Hawkeye and Trapper two fresh martinis from the still. HAWKEYE Thank you, Ho-Jon. (sips, approves) Mammm. Finest kind. TRAPPER. Just like mother used to make, HAWKEYE We've got to do it someday, you know. Throw away all the guns, have every joker from the North and the South in here for a cocktail party; the last man standing on his feet wins the war. RADAR - You guys got mail. TRAPPER (yawning) I don't feel mail. God

HAWKEYE Go thead, open it, they can't draft you again. They open their respective letters. TRAPPER Bad news from my wife. (pause; then) She still loves me. (looks at letter) Would you believe she still thinks I got sent to Korea as part of a secret plot to cheat on her? HAWKEYE Well, didn't you? TRAPPER (smiles) Yeah, but how'd she figure it out? HAWKEYE (scanning his own letter) Ho-Jon! It's from Dean Lodge. TRAPPER Is that a good place to stay? HAWKEYE Head of my alma mater. (to Ho-Jon) This is beautiful. (reads) ‘Dear Hawkeye, as Dean of the College, I naturally remember you very well.' (aside) After my first autopsy I mailed him a nervous system, (resumes reading) request to enter the Korean boy, Ho-Jon, seems one of your nobler gestures and since his academic record meets our requirements, we will be pleased to accept him this fall, providing you can get him here and also send me a thousand dollars tuition before the fifteenth. It was good hearing from you. If you do to the Army what you did to this collége,. America's finished. Yours sincerely, et cetera, et cetera...' wae Cont. 10 26 Cont.1l

6439 ll 26 Cont.2 HO-JON Hot damn! TRAPPER Terrific. HO-JON (very sincerely) How can I ever thank you? HAWKEYE (lightly) You just get over there and become the best possible you you can. Trapper studies the Dean's letter, frowns. TRAPPER A thousand bucks? HAWKEYE More like two, after transportation, clothes. (to Ho-Jon) You'll be living with my folks, so that's no problem. Trapper thinks hard. A slight snore from Spearchucker's bec TRAPPER Maybe we could sell Spearchucker while he's asleep. HAWKEYE No. sweat, Trapper, got it all taped. What is on the mind of every man on this base, no matter what the time of day, or position of the sun, stars, or moon? TRAPPER. Sex....Except for the baseball perverts. HAWKEYE And after that? TRAPPER Home. Or Tokyo, whichever comes first. HAWKEYE Right. Radar'll print the tickets, you get the signs painted. Cont. God

TRAPPER Would you like to tell me what word going to put on that sign? s 12 26 Cont.3 Hawkeye moves his hand to indicate an invisible poster: HAWKEYE ‘All you can drink. Ten bucks a head. Giant door prize -- weekend pass for two in Tokyo; lucky winner to share the company of a gorgeous nurse!' TRAPPER You're out of your gourd. HAWKEYE (confidently) Fall in, doctor. INT. HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Henry, at his desk, in fishing cap with casting flies stuck in it and hunting jacket. Signing some papers, he doesn't notice Radar ENTER and stand slightly behind him, calls: HENRY Radar! ; RADAR Yes, sir! HENRY Hell's Bells, Radar, don't do that! RADAR Well, you wanted to see me, sir. HENRY Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you. RADAR Yes, sir. (hands him forms) You wanted these, sir. HENRY How'd you know that? RADAR That's why you called me. God Cont.

6439 HENRY Oh, yes. Radar picks up the papers Henry was signing. RADAR You wanted to give me these, sir. HENRY (pleased to hear it) Oh, yes. RADAR Captains Pierce and Mcintyre here to see you, sir. HENRY (unhappily) Show them in. (addressing them) Men. Hawkeye and Trapper ENTER. Radar EXITS. TRAPPER How are you today, Colonel? HENRY That's not what you came to ask. The last thing you want to know when you say, ‘how are you' is how am I. HAWKEYE All right, Henry, we'll skip the gristle and get right down to the bone. (hands him Dean's letter, continues) What I want from you is two weekend passes so I can raise that tuition. I'm going to raffle them off along with the company of one of our nurses whose heart and everything else is in the right place. HENRY It seems a good enough cause. (frowns } Why don't I trust you, Pierce? TRAPPER Because he's not trustworthy. Cont. God 13 27 Cont.

6439 14 27 Cont.1 HENRY That might be it. How do I know you're on the level? Which nurse have you conned into this? HAWKEYE I haven't approached her yet, but there can be only one choice. CLOSE SHOT - GIRL'S SHAPELY ANKLE AND FOOT 28 Girl's hand applies polish to toes. CAMERA PANS UP her bare leg to REVEAL owner of it all - Lt. Dish. HAWKEYE'S VOICE (o.s.) A girl with a face that doesn't quit. A girl with so much body she should be continued on the next girl -- Lt. Dish. HENRY'S VOICE (o.s.) She'll never agree to it. CAMERA PULLS BACK to show Dish on her cot. In only her uniform shirt and underpants, she is alone in: INT. NURSES' TENT - DAY 29 Concentrating on her nails, Dish does not see Hawkeye ENTER. HAWKEYE'S VOICE (o.8.) Ah, but she will because, inaccessible as she is to everyone else in this cruddy outfit, she is putty in the hands of the master. Hawkeye, now behind Dish, bends and kisses her bare neck. DISH (without turning) Oh, Hawkeye, that makes me crazy. HAWKEYE My lips were made by Stradivarius. He turns her around, starts to cover her face with kisses. HAWKEYE Dish, I've got to ask you a favor. Cont. COG

6439 15 29 Cont. DISH You really thrive on rejection, HAWKEYE Baby ... DISH Always sneaking up on me. HAWKEYE Who sneaks up on you? INT, RECREATION TENT - DAY 30 A bookshelf with an aisle on either side. Dish appears, takes down a book. Suddenly, Hawkeye's hand comes through the books several shelves lower, from the other aisle, clutches Dish's blouse. She swats it with her book. DISH'S VOICE (o.s.) How many times must I tell you I'm engaged? HAWKEYE'S VOICE (o.s., lying) I'm engaged, too. Think of me as a dress rehearsal. EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DAY 31 Dish sunbathes alongside a tent in shorts, bare midriff. From behind the tent, what are obviously a man's arms entwine the amazed Dish's waist, though it looks as if the tent itself is embracing her. DISH'S VOICE (0.8., pleading) Hawkeye, I'm trying to stay faithful. HAWKEYE'S VOICE (o.s.) Why don't you take a five-minute break? INT. SHOWER TENT - DAY 32 Dish, bare-shouldered, under the shower, shampoos her hair. Soap in her eye, she gropes for a towel. A hand enters frame, gives her oné. She wipes her eye, sees the grinning, bare-shouldered Hawkeye, hits him with towel till he retreats. Cont. God

6439 16 32 Cont. DISH'S VOICE (o.s., resolve going) A girl can only take so much. HAWKEYE'S VOICE (o.s.) We anywhere near that point yet? BACK TO TENT - DAY 33 Dish, still in Hawkeye's arms, struggling a lot less, DISH You said you wanted a favor? HAWKEYE (devouring her ear) I'i1 tell you after I finish my lunch. CAMERA ZOOMS BACK from window of Nurses' Tent to: EXT, WINDOW - HOT LIPS' TENT - DAY 34 Hot Lips lowers a pair of binoculars from her eyes. INT. HOT TENT’ - DAY 35 Hot Lips, in a bathrobe, turns away from the window. HOT LIPS Sickening! FRANK Animals! Animals! OUT 36 EXT. P.A. SPEAKER ~ DAY 37 P.A. VOICE (o.s.) Don't miss tonight's feature movie: Paul Douglas and Linda Darnell - in 'Everybody Does It.' TIME LAPSE: .

5439 17 INT. THE SWAMP - DAY 38 Trapper counts the money. Hawkeye contributes receipts. HAWKEYE Here's ten from Radar. And here's ten from the famous Pole. And here's ten (holding up ticket) for the winning ticket. TRAPPER be able to sell tickets to your lynching if you walk off with this raffle. HAWKEYE Don't worry. about it. How we doing? TRAPPER Six hundred and forty. We're a little short. HAWKEYE (crossing to Frank's locker) But not everybody has contributed yet. TRAPPER What are you doing in Frank's gear? HAWKEYE Selling nickel-nose a ticket. I know he wouldn't mind if he were alive today. Hawkeye goes to the duffle bag under the fourth cot. As he rummages about in it, Frank ENTERS and is instantly angered. FRANK What're you doing there? HAWKEYE: Just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank. FRANK (going to him) Since when are you interested in the Bible? Cont. KNOWTALIGE GOS

6439 18 38 Cont. TRAPPER Frank, do you believe there's life after selective service? FRANK Shut up! (grabs Hawkeye) Get away from there! HAWKEYE Don't get physical, Frank; you'll blow your sainthood. FRANK I've taken just about as much as I can from you two. Between your snide remarks, your corruption of Ho-Jon, your -- your -- (starts ripping down pinups) turning this place into a brothel - TRAPPER (moving for him) Watch it, sweetheart. FRANK (crossing to still) - and a distillery! TRAPPER You touch that gin machine, your head's going to have to go into the shop. Frank ignores the warning, starts to wreck the still. Hawkeye grapples with him, finally picks up Frank's duffle bag-and pulls it down over Frank's head. Trapper opens the tent door just in time for Hawkeye to boot Frank out. INT. HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY 39 Henry is addressing Hawkeye and Trapper. HENRY You figure you have me over a barrel, don't you? Well, let me tell you this - you certainly do. You're the best two cutters I've got. You know you're essential So you think you can get away with murder. Unfortunately for you, you didn't murder Frank, you only roughed him up ~ and I can't let you get away with that. Cont.

6439 19 39 Cont, HAWKEYE Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples. HENRY Be that as it may. If I don't do something about it, report the incident to General Hammond and he'll put my butt in traction. I'm withdrawing those weekend passes; forget about that party and raffle business tomorrow night. TRAPPER That's pretty Regular Army of you, Henry. HENRY Just as well. I've got to see Hammond down in Seoul for a few days and I wasn't any too happy about the party taking place in my absence. Hawkeye and Trapper exchange covert looks of relief. HENRY (unaware) That'll be all. HAWKEYE AND TRAPPER (in unison) Yes, sir! They salute smartly, EXIT in crisp, military fashion. As Henry returns their salute, his hand stops in mid-air. HENRY (to himself) Wonder what they meant by that? WIPE TO: EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DAY 40 P.A. is transmitting a Japanese Dance Band Playing opening bars of "I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy’. Henry and Leslie, aboard a chopper, wave goodbye to Trapper, Hawkeye, Dago Red and Hot Lips. Radar sidles up to Hawkeye, hands him two slips of paper, explains: Cont.

6439 20 4O Cont RADAR The two weekend passes for the raffle, sir. HAWKEYE (surprised) When did he sign these? As he waves and smiles sweetly at Henry: RADAR When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream. Fudge Ripple. Hawkeye gives him a broad grin. The chopper roars up OUT OF FRAME, Hawkeye shows Trapper the passes. Delighted, they start to walk off - stop as P.A. music cuts out. P.A. VOICE (o.s.) Attention, all personnel! Both day and night shifts will be confined to duty in the Admitting Ward tomorrow night. All other activities are cancelled. There will be no exceptions. By order of the acting Commanding Officer - Major Frank Burns. Hawkeye and Trapper are crestfallen. Frank, just a few feet away, gives them a superior, victorious smile. Hawkeye picks up a rock. CLOSE SHOT - P.A. SPEAKER - DAY 41 The band begins to play once again. JAPANESE VOCALIST (o.8., sings) ‘I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful guy!'! A rock flies up INTO FRAME and hits the speaker hard. FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE COG

6439 21 ACT TWO FADE IN INT. BARBER'S TENT - DAY he Spearchucker is offering a raffle ticket to Ugly John, who is having his moustache trimmed by the Barber. SPEARCHUCKER Come on, Ugly John, only ten bucks. When else would you get a chance for a weekend with Lieutenant Dish? UGLY JOHN How they pulling this off? Frank ordered everyone on duty tonight...Everyone! SPEARCHUCKER Hawkeye says nothing's going to stop the party; smart money's always got to go with Hawkeye. Ugly John, recognizing this truth, starts to buy a ticket. INT. POST-OP WARD - DAY 43 Hawkeye, Trapper and Ginger are calling on patients; taking temperatures, checking charts, etc. An exchange of quick, conspiratorial looks passes between them as Frank ENTERS. HAWKEYE (cheerily) Morning, Frank. TRAPPER (same) Hi, buddy. PRANK (warily) Good morning. The following occurs with great speed and smoothness: HAWKEYE Glad you got here, Frank. (indicating a patient) Hey, you want to hear something wild? Cont.

6439 43 Cont. Frank crosses to Hawkeye. Trapper falls in behind hin, taking a freshly-filled hypodermic needle from Ginger. As Frank leans over Hawkeye's patient, Trapper rams the needle into Frank's backside. Ginger immediately throws the ward doors open and Radar and Boone quickly wheel IN a@ surgical trolley: Hawkeye and Trapper catch the already unconscious Frank, deposit him on the trolley and wheel him to an empty bed on which he's placed by Radar and Boone. Hawkeye turns to Trapper. HAWKEYE Get out there and sell! Trapper happily EXITS with Ginger. As Boone undresses Frank, Radar begins to bandage his face and upper body, while Hawkeye writes on the chart at the foot of Frank's bed. HAWKEYE Okay, let's make sure this patient gets all the rest he so badly needs. I'd say he should be sedated every hour on the hour. He makes this note. By now Frank's face has been completely covered. Radar and Boone, tucking him under the blanket, stop as Hot Lips ENTERS and orders: HOT LIPS Just a moment! They hold their breaths as she strides toward them. HOT LIPS That is the sloppiest bed-making I've ever seen! HAWKEYE My very words, Major sir, Major matam sir. Perhaps you might show these callow lads the correct definitive method.. As she begins making Frank's bed very smartly and snugly: HOT LIPS The chief aim is to make the patient secure, so that he isn't likely to move around and do himself any harm. HAWKEYE Or anyone else. Cont.

6439 23 43 Cont.1 Hot Lips looks at the bandaged Frank. HOT LIPS What's wrong with this man? HAWKEYE Shock. Never knew what hit him. Hot Lips completes her job, steps back smartly. HAWKEYE There you are, men. A lesson by a dedicated woman in the proud tradition of Florence Nightingale and Nurse Edith Cavell. Hot Lips, gazing at Frank's chart is surprised, flattered. HOT LIPS Really, Captain... HAWKEYE She merits our highest respect, not only on a medical level, but because of her flawless masterful performance as a female impersonator. ,Now, let's get the hell out of here. As they move OFF, Hawkeye gives the outraged Hot Lips a bright smile and a two-eyed wink. EXT, P.A. SPEAKER - DAY uy P.A. VOICE There are a limited number of tickets still available for tonight's Ho-Jon party. Don't be left out. America has sent thousands of boys to Korea - the least we can do is send one Korean to America. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MESS HALL - DAY 45 It is festooned with Japanese lanterns and crepe paper. To a phonograph playing a dance band rendition of "It's Magic," the ticket holders are beginning to ARRIVE in a wild mixture of GI and Oriental garb: fatigues, papa-san suits, leis, muumuus, "bird cage" hats, kimonos, etc. Radar stands guard over a gaily painted oi] drum that is filling up with raffle tickets. CLG

6439 2k TWO SHOT - HAWKEYE AND DISH 46 They are being handed martinis by a beaming Ho-Jon. DISH You still haven't told me how I get out of going away with the winner. And why do I have the feeling it's going to be you? HAWKEYE You don't trust me. DISH (smiles sweetly) Not since the first time I found you hiding inside my sleeping bag. She CLINKS his glass and drinks. TIME LAPSE: INT. MESS HALL - NIGHT 47 The party has grown in number. Couples dance cheek-to- cheek to "Mona Lisa." Hot Lips ENTERS abruptly. After taking it all in, she pushes past Trapper, dancing with Knocko, and addresses Hawkeye, his eyes blissfully closed as he glides slowly with Dish. HOT LIPS Captain Pierce! HAWKEYE (opening one eye) Sorry, honey, my dance card's all full. HOT LIPS Where is he? HAWKEYE Who? FLASH CUT TO: INT, POST-OP WARD ~ NIGHT 48 Spearchucker, in fatigues and party hat, pulls Frank's blanket down and gives him a second injection in his bottom. HOT LIP'S VOICE (o.s.) You know very well who. Major Burns. He's been missing for hours. COG

6439 25 BACK TO MESS HALL 49 HAWKEYE (melodramatically) I thought you'd heard. HOT LIPS (worried) Heard what? HAWKEYE Frank's gone over to the enemy. They offered him a hundred dollars a week more. Plus a royalty on bedpans. HOT LIPS (increasingly frustrated When I find him, you'll be under arrest! HAWKEYE Wouldn't bother me. My spies tell me three companies of Canadians attacked Hill Fifty-Five about an hour ago. By midnight this place will be flooded with casualties. Personally, I don't plan to work if ” I'm busted. HOT LIPS Tell that to Major Burns. She starts off, he stops her, adopts a friendly tone: HAWKEYE Look, Hot Lips, why don't you stop worrying about Elmer Gantry? Grab yourself a partner and give him a dancing physical. Hot Lips, too angry to speak, storms.OFF. TRAPPER You will live dangerously. HAWKEYE What can she do to us? INT. HENRY'S OUTER OFFICE - NIGHT 50 Hot Lips is on the telephone. Cont.

6439. 26 50 Cont. HOT LIPS General Hammond, please. Tell him it's Major Houlihan. Major Margaret Houlihan - from Fort Benning. INT, OFFICERS! CLUB - SEOUL - NIGHT 51 GENERAL HAMMOND sits at a table with an attractive ARMY NURSE, Henry and Leslie. A WAITER WHISPERS in Hammond's ear, having obviously interrupted the foursome's dinner. (eyes glinting) Major Houlihan?? FLASH CUT TO: INT, STATESIDE BASE - DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 52 Hammond, years younger, with the insignia of Colonel, is:: in a passionate embrace with a young Lieutenant Houlihan. WAITER'S VOICE (o.s.) She says it's a matter of extreme urgency, sir. Hammond backs Hot Lips into a tall glass cabinet as they tear amorously, hungrily at each other's clothing. BACK TO SEOUL OFFICERS! CLUB 53 HAMMOND (to others) Excuse me, please. As he rises, we HEAR o.s. a loud SHATTERING - the kind that might be heard if a tall glass cabinet crashed to the floor. EXT. KIMPO AIRFIELD - SEOUL - NIGHT 54 A helicopter with Hammond, Henry and Leslie takes off swiftly and noisily. INT. MASH MESS HALL - NIGHT 55 Couples, well sloshed, are dancing to "Enjoy Yourself, It's Later Than You Think." Ugly John approaches Hawkeye, who is pouring a drink for Dago Red.. UGLY JOHN When's the draw, Hawkeye? Cont.

6439 27 55 Cont. HAWKEYE Any minute, Ugly baby. Have another pop. EXT. MASH COMPOUND - NIGHT 56 Hot Lips walks about with a flashlight, calling: HOT LIPS Frank...? Frank...? BACK TO HAWKEYE AND DAGO RED 57 Dago Red takes a polite swig of his drink. It clearly takes his breath away. Hawkeye smiles proudly. HAWKEYE Really curls your hair shirt, don't it? OUT 58- 60 INT. POST-OP WARD - NIGHT 61 Hot Lips moves from bed to bed. Her light falls on Frank's bed chart. Ever the dutiful nurse, she looks from the chart to her watch, puts the flashlight down, turns on Frank's overhead light, fills the syringe on his bedstand and holds it up to the light. INT. MESS HALL - NIGHT 62 The party is at its peak. Everyone is fairly loaded. HAWKEYE (calls out) All right, people! Hold it now! Gather (as they do) First, I'd like to announce that your generosity and thirst have raised over eighteen hundred bucks tonight... We HEAR CHEERS from assemblage. Cont. God

a 6439 28 62 Cont. HAWKEYE means Ho-Jon's college career is off to a flying start. We HEAR more CHEERS all around. HAWKEYE Right now, I want you to get out your raffle tickets ‘cause this is when the whole thing hits the fan. CLOSE SHOT - RADAR 63 In the spirit of the party, he now wears a bedpan for a hat. Suddenly, he cocks his head, “hears" something. INT. POST-OP WARD - NIGHT 64 Hot Lips pulls Frank's blanket aside, lowers his drawers to jab his bottom. Her eyes widen in recognition. HOT LIPS Frank!! EXT. MASH COMPOUND ~ NIGHT 65 Hammond's chopper has just put down. He steps from it, followed by Henry and Leslie, to receive a salute from the waiting, tipsy Radar, still wearing his bedpan helmet. INT. MESS HALL - NIGHT 66 Dish stands beside Hawkeye, an uneasy smile on her face. Guests crowd around, tickets in hand. HAWKEYE And now, the imcomparable Lieutenant Dish, star of Stage, Screen and Radiology, will dip her sensuous claw into the bowl and come up with the lucky winner! He takes her hand, guides it into the oil drum. CLOSE SHOT - HAWKEYE AND DISH'S HANDS IN OIL DRUM 67 He moves her fingers to a ticket taped to the inside. TWO SHOT - HAWKEYE AND DISH 68 Her look of surprise, his reassuring wink. COG

6439 29 ANOTHER ANGLE ~- MESS HALL 69 Hammond ENTERS with Henry, Leslie and a sobered Radar, his bedpan under his arm. Unseen by anyone, they observe: HAWKEYE Here it is, ladies and germs! The name of the fortunate man who will spend a glorious weekend in Tokyo with the completely edible Lieutenant Dish! And the winner is ~-- (takes ticket from Dish) -~- Father John P. Mulcahey!! Wild WHISTLING and APPLAUSE. Trapper leads the stunned Dago Red to Dish, who looks at Hawkeye with gratitude and admiration. Henry's stutter returns as he SHOUTS: HENRY T-T-Ten-Hut! Every head turns to see who has given this remarkable order. Henry comes forward with Hammond, who addresses them: HAMMOND Do I understand that the priest of this outfit has just won a weekend with a nurse in Tokyo?? HAWKEYE It's a prayer come true. HAMMOND (barks) Who are you? HAWKEYE Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Who're you, sarge? HAMMOND (through clenched teeth) What do you think these stars mean? HAWKEYE You're Tinkerbell? HENRY This is B-B-Brigadier General Hammond, Chief M-M~Medical Officer, Seoul Sssector. Cont. COS

30 69 Cont. HAMMOND Which one here's McIntyre? TRAPPER Yo! HAMMOND You and Pierce are both under arrest! TRAPPER I'd like to get a second opinion on that. HAWKEYE What's the charge, General? And let me warn you that anything you say'll be held against us. HAMMOND Breaking orders by throwing this party! Henry snatches the weekend passes from a sheepish Dago Red, gives him a disapproving look before adding: HENRY Handing out unauthorized p-p-passes! All turn as Hot Lips ENTERS, supporting a semi-conscious Frank, still partially-bandaged, trailing yards of gauze. HAWKEYE (dramatically) The Mummy strikes! HENRY Burns! HAMMOND (forgetting himself) Hot Lips! Hawkeye and Trapper turn to each other, their eyebrows raised at his use of the name. HAWKEYE AND TRAPPER (in unison) Hot Lips? Hammond blusters on: HAMMOND Get your MP's, Henry! On the double! These two are going to be court- martialed. Cont. CO

6439 HAWKEYE (hopefully) In Tokyo? TRAPPER Frisco? HAMMOND Right here is where you'll be tried and right here is where you'll serve your time. Now, get moving, you're under arrest! Hawkeye looks at his watch, then: HAWKEYE Sorry, General, I'm afraid we can't I might do be. It's a good idea. the same thing in your place but.... HAMMOND You can't what! RADAR (suddenly) ‘Listen! HAMMOND What! ‘RADAR Wait for it. HAWKEYE (to Hammond) The helicopters you're about to hear are going to be filled with a lot of Canadians who went to a different party tonight. ; Distant helicopters are heard o.s, HAWKEYE Without us, some of those kids aren't going to get home from the party. Helicopters grow louder. TRAPPER You can put us in the clink right after, General, but we're a little short around here so you better move your two-star can cause you got a night's work ahead COG of you. Cont. 31 69 Cont.1

32 69 Cont.: HAWKEYE (to Hammond) Let's get ready, man. I hope you remember your stuff,.Doc, we run a very tight ship. TRAPPER Let's get those nails clean. Hot Lips, why don't you give the General a good scrubbing for old times' sake. Everyone begins to get ready. Hawkeye and Trapper taking Hammond's arms, lead their new, surprised colleague out the door. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DAWN 70 Exhausted Doctors and Nurses leave the Hospital. Henry walks with exhausted, yet elated Hammond. HAMMOND I haven't put in a stretch like that for years, Henry. HENRY Makes you remember what you're about, doesn't it? Hammond nods his agreement. Henry turns and is about to call out, sees Radar appear right behind him. RADAR Yes, sir? HENRY Hells bells, Radar! How many times must you? RADAR Yes, sir. I've alerted the General's pilot, sir; he's ready to take off any time. HENRY I want you to alert the General's “pilot. ‘ . : (realizing) To be ready to take off any time. Cont. COM

33 70 Cont. RADAR I've already done that, sir. HENRY And that's an order. HAMMOND Henry, those two maniacs are the best I've seen; made me feel like & horse doctor in there. Maké sure you don't lose ‘em -~ not even to me, ‘ HENRY (relieved) Yes, sir. You leaving right now? I was hoping to give you a box of your favorite --- RADAR Cigars. Before Henry realizes it, Radar has slipped’ him a box of cigars unseen by Hammond. Henry, befuddled as always by Radar, hands the General the box, ‘ HENRY (finishing) - cigars. HAMMOND Thank you, Henry. Don't forget what I said. They exchange salutes. Hammond walks OFF. Hawkeye and Trapper appear, react to Hammond's exit. HAWKEYE (to Henry) Where's he going? We're all set. He raises his right hand and we see that he and Trapper are handcuffed to each other. ; HENRY Forget it. He was too impressed to arrest you. TRAPPER (to Hawkeye) We did it again. Screwed up in reverse, Cont. GO

HAWKEYE I keep telling you - we've got to give up this preoccupation with keeping people alive or we'll never get out of here. . As, handcuffed, they make for The Swamp. TRAPPER It's no use. We're doomed... HAWKEYE Maybe if we started using rusty. instruments... ‘ TRAPPER Stopped washing our hands... . HAWKEYE Raised our prices... out THE END 70 Cont. 71- FADE OUT