MIKE AND MOLLY by Mark Roberts Writer’s Second Draft December 5,

R COLD OPENING / A EXT. CHICAGO SKYLINE - FEARLY EVENING A BEAUTIFUL VIEW OF THE CITY OVERLOOKING LAKE MICHIGAN. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ABE'S HOT BEEF - SAME TIME A GREASY-SPOON NEAR WRIGLEYVILLE. TWO UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICERS ARE SEATED AT A TABLE. THEIR SIZE DIFFERENCE GIVES THEM THE APPEARANCE OF A HANNA-BARBERA CARTOON. THE LARGER ONE IS OFFICER MIKE BIGGS, AN OVERWEIGHT, SWEET-NATURED MAN IN HIS THIRTIES. THE SMALLER ONE IS OFFICER CARIL, ATSO THIRTIES. A TYPICAL WISE-GUY, SOUTH-SIDER. THE WAITER, SAMUEL, A HANDSOME, TWENTY-SOMETHING BLACK MAN WITH A SENEGALESE ACCENT AND A BOOMING LAUGH, CROSSES OVER WITH A TRAY OF FOOD AND HANDS IT TO THEM, DURING: SAMUEL Alright, officers. (TO CARL) For you sir, one beef and cheese deluxe with extra peppers, french fries and orange flavored beverage. CARL Plenty of peppers on there, Samuel? SAMUEL Oh, trust me. Tomorrow morning you will be cursing my name. (LAUGHS)

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 2. "pilot" (Cco/n) CARL Perfect. SAMUEL (TO MIKE) And for you, large man, one plain wiener, no bun, hot water with lemon. MIKE Thank you. SAMUEL Excuse me to inquire, but does this meal represent some sort of penance to your chosen god or gods? MIKE Nah, just trying to drop a few pounds. SAMUEL Oh, then may I suggest you move to my country where nineteen people fight for one spoonful of couscous. SAMUEL CROSSES BACK TO THE KITCHEN. CARL So, what kinda girly diet are we tryin’ this week? MIKE It’s not girly. It’s just a low carb, high-protein deal.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 3. "Pilot" CARL Uh-huh. (A BEAT, THEN) You see it on “Oprah”? MIKE No. (A BEAT, THEN QUIETLY) “Ladies Home Journal.” THEY BEGIN EATING. CARL You still goin’ to the gym? MIKE Three times a week and stationary bike every morning. CARL Oh, you gotta be careful with that. I read an article that said bicycles can absolutely wreak havoc on a pair of testicles. MIKE What does that mean, “wreak havoc”? CARL Well, apparently the angle of the seat restricts blood flow, causing low sperm count and or possible impotence. MIKE Really? never heard that.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" A BEAT. CARL Well, you’re not gonna read about it in “The Ladies Home Journal.” But pick up this month’s copy of “American Balls.” MIKE That’s not a real magazine, is it? CARL No... I mean, I hope not. (THEN) Hey, how about we hit a couple of bars after we get off? Have a few drinks, find some ladies who actually think we solve crimes. MIKE Thanks, but I have an O0.A. meeting. CARL You’re kidding? Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night? That’s pathetic. MIKE More pathetic than you walking up to strange women, flashin’ your badge and saying, “Boner Police, you’re under arrest”? CARL You’re the only person that doesn’t find that funny. (co/n)

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" MIKE I'm goin’ to my meeting. CARL Fine. But, I just gotta say, you overeaters are delusional about the whole “anonymous” part. MIKE What are you talking about? CARL Twenty porkers squeezing into a church basement? It’s either an 0.A. meeting or the priests have started giving out Nutter Butters as the body of Christ. MIKE You know, I haven’t pulled my gun out in a really long time. CARL Probably all that bike riding. (OFF MIKE’S LOOK) Come on, you know that’s funny. WE . (CO/A) CUT TO:

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 6. (Co/B) COLD OPENING / B EXT. A SMALL BRICK HOUSE - SAME TIME WE HEAR WOMEN'’S VOICES SINGING “HAPPY BIRTHDAY." CUT TO: INT. MOLLY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS A MODESTLY DECORATED HOME ON THE NORTHWEST SIDE OF CHICAGO. WE OPEN ON VICTORIA FLYNN CROSSING INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH A BIRTHDAY CAKE AND LIT CANDLES. VICTORIA IS A TRASHY BEAUTY IN HER THIRTIES. SHE CROSSES TO HER SLIGHTLY YOUNGER SISTER MOLLY, A PRETTY AND PLUMP WOMAN. MOLLY IS SITTING ON THE SOFA NEXT TO HER MOTHER, JOYCE, A FADED BEAUTY IN HER FIFTIES. VICTORIA/JOYCE (SINGING) ...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MOLLY / HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! MOLLY BLOWS OUT THE CANDLES. VICTORIA Did you make a wish? MOLLY Yep. Don’t be surprised if you come downstairs tomorrow morning and see George Clooney wearing a shorty-robe and making me a Belgian waffle. JOYCE AND VICTORIA LAUGH.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 7. "Pilot" (CO/B) JOYCE You’re such a hoot. (PUTTING HER ARM AROUND MOLLY) You know, your sister here may have gotten the beautiful skin and the big boobies, but you’ll always be “the funny one.” MOLLY Great. That’s way better. (TO VICTORIA) Don’t you wish you were funny? VICTORIA Funny don’t getya free drinks at Bennigan’s. (RE: CAKE) Dig in. It’'s your favorite. Red velvet with cream cheese frosting. MOLLY Thanks, but I better not. JOYCE Oh, forget your diet for tonight. It’s not like skipping one piece of cake is gonna make that gut any smaller. MOLLY It’s not a “gut.” a tummy.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 8. "pilot" (Co/B) JOYCE Oh sweetie, when you gotta stand up to pull out your car keys, it’s a gqut. And as I’'ve told you before, the key to watching your weight is moderation, plain and simple. MOLLY (SARCASTIC) Right, eat less. I’11 try that. VICTORIA (TO JOYCE) ‘Member when she got her first period and ate an entire meatloaf? MOLLY Hey, I thought I was dying. VICTORIA (TO JOYCE) You had to rush and stick a tampon in her before she ate the furniture. JOYCE AND VICTORIA LAUGH. AFTER A BEAT THEY NOTICE MOLLY IS NOT ENJOYING THIS TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE. JOYCE/VICTORIA Sorry. Happy birthday. / Yeah, happy birthday MOLLY Thank you. MOLLY CUTS A THIN SLICE OF CAKE AND HANDS IT TO JOYCE.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" MOLLY (CONT’'D) For you, Mom. 9. (Co/B) SHE CUTS ANOTHER THIN SLICE AND HANDS IT TO VICTORIA. MOLLY (CONT'D) And you, Victoria. VICTORIA Thanks. MOLLY PUTS THE KNIFE DOWN. JOYCE Oh, for god’s sake, Molly, have a piece of your own birthday cake! MOLLY (HOLDING UP THE ENTIRE CAKE) What are you talking about? This is for me. OFF THEIR STUNNED FACES. MOLLY (CONT'D) Kidding. RELIEVED, THEY LAUGH. AND AS MOLLY CUTS HERSELF A THIN SLICE, WE: MAIN TITLES CUT TO:

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 10. "Pilot" (I/R) ACT ONE SCENE A FADE IN: INT. CHURCH CLASSROOM - A WHILE LATER THE ROOM IS SET UP FOR AN OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS MEETING. THERE ARE ABOUT TWENTY PEOPLE OF VARIOUS SIZES SEATED IN FOLDING CHAIRS. MIKE IS SPEAKING. MIKE Hi, my name is Mike and I'm an overeater. EVERYONE RESPONDS “HI MIKE.” WE SEE MOLLY AND VICTORIA ARE SITTING TOWARDS THE BACK. MIKE (CONT’D) I had a pretty fair week. Lost three pounds. THE GROUP APPLAUDS. MIKE Then I took off my shirt and found it (POINTING TO THE FLESHY PART OF HIS TRICEP) right about here. THEY LAUGH. HE CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND AS WE: ANGLE ON: MOLLY AND VICTORIA.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 11. "Pilot" MIKE (CONT'D) Still riding the stationary bike every day. Although, I heard a rather disturbing fact about bike seats... VICTORIA (SOTTO, LOOKING AROUND) This is your birthday, we should be out having fun. MOLLY (SOTTO) There’s nothing fun for me standing outside a bar holding your hair back while you vomit up Jagermeister. VICTORIA (SOTTO) Doesn’t have to be Jagermeister. MOLLY Shhh! ANGLE ON: MIKE. MIKE So diet-wise, I did have one tiny setback this week. I was at the grocery store and they were having a sale on those “fun-size” candy bars for Halloween. I think we’re all pretty familiar with those hateful little bastards. EVERYONE CHUCKLES AND NODS.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" MIKE (CONT'D) Anyway, long story short, don’t buy Halloween candy in September. (THEN) Same goes for Christmas fudge in November and marshmallow bunnies in February. Thank you. EVERYONE APPLAUDS. HE SITS DOWN. ANGLE ON: MOLLY AND VICTORIA. MOLLY He'’s kinda cute. VICTORIA Sure if you like a guy with bigger boobs than you. 12. (I/R) DISSOLVE TO:

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" SCENE B INT. HATLLWAY OUTSIDE CHURCH CLASSROOM - LATER THE MEETING HAS ENDED AND PEOPLE ARE FILING OUT. CROSSES OUT TO FIND CARL WAITING IN THE HALLWAY. CARL Work out your food issues, Batman? MIKE Bite me, Robin. AS THEY CROSS OUT THEY PASS MOLLY AND VICTORIA. MOLLY Hey, I really liked your share. MIKE Um... thanks. MOLLY You’re funny. MIKE Well, I figure if everybody’s laughing they won’t try to kill and cook each other. MOLLY (LAUGHS) Molly. MIKE 13. (1/B)

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 14. "Pilot" (I/B) MIKE Mike. A BEAT. VICTORIA CLEARS HER THROAT. MOLLY This is Victoria, my sister. CARL Hello, Victoria. Officer Carl McMillan. Chicago PD. VICTORIA Ooh, a cop. I love cops. MOLLY (UNDER HER BREATH) And fireman, and park rangers, and married meth dealers. CARL And Mike here’s my partner. VICTORIA Oh, why are the good ones always gay? - MOLLY Or married meth dealers. MIKE No, no, we just ride together. CARL (ADDING QUICKLY) a car.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 15. "Pilot" (1/B) MOLLY (TO MIKE) Hey, listen, I teach fourth grade and I’'d love to have a police officer come and talk to my class. MIKE Sure. Just contact the department and they’d be happy to send someone over. MOLLY Oh, okay. CARL Or, you could give Officer Biggs your phone number and he can come talk to your class himself. MOLLY Even better. MOLLY TAKES PAPER AND PEN OUT OF HER PURSE AND WRITES DOWN HER NUMBER, DURING: MIKE Okay, but just a heads up, I'm not a professional speaker. MOLLY That’s fine. (HANDING HIM HER PHONE NUMBER) Just be funny and charming like you were in the meeting. MIKE Alright, so... I'll call you.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 16. "Pilot" (I/B) MOLLY Great. MIKE So... bye. MOLLY Bye. MIKE STARTS TO CROSS OFF, REALIZES CARL ISN'T FOLLOWING. MIKE Carl? CARL Oh. (TO VICTORIA) Guess we're goin’. VICTORIA Her number’s my number. Just FYI. CARL And my number is nine-one-one. MIKE Carl! CARL Coming. MIKE AND CARL CROSS AWAY. CARL (CONT'D) Why are we leavin’? The sister was all over me and you could have gotten the other one with a taffy apple.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" MIKE Shut up. (THEN) She thinks I'm funny and charming. AND WE: 17. (1/B) CUT TO:

0, MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 18. "Pilot" (1/¢) SCENE C INT. GRADE SCHOOL BOYS’ RESTROOM - A WEEK LATER CARL AND MIKE ARE BOTH IN UNIFORM. MIKE IS NERVOUSLY CHECKING HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR AND CARL IS TRYING TO PEE IN ONE OF THE LITTLE BOY URINALS. CARL Man, this is like “Gulliver’s Travels,” but with whizzin’. CARL ZIPS HIMSELF, CROSSES TO THE SINK AND WASHES HIS HANDS, DURING: MIKE Do I look okay? CARL (WITHOUT LOOKING) You look great. MIKE I wish our uniforms were a little more blousy. CARL Who you trying to fool? You met her at an O.A. meeting. She already knows - if you’re hiding a six pack under there it’s A&W root beer.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 19. "pilot" (1/C) MIKE You really think she’s interested in me? CARL Why not? You’re a nice guy with a good job and a big, fat, handsome face. MIKE Maybe there’s something wrong with her. Maybe she’s a serial killer and she’s making a man-suit out of guys with excess skin. A TOILET FLUSHES AND A LITTLE BOY CROSSES OUT OF ONE OF THE STALLS. HE SEES THE TWO COPS AND NERVOUSLY STARTS TO CROSS OUT. CARL Hold it right there, fella. LITTLE BOY Yessir. CARL You wanna go to jail? LITTLE BOY No, sir. MIKE Then wash your hands. THE LITTLE BOY NODS NERVOUSLY, CROSSES TO THE SINK AND WASHES HIS HANDS, AS WE: DISSOLVE TO:

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) ' 20. "Pilot" (1/D) SCENE D INT. MOLLY'’S CLASSROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER A CLASS OF ABOUT TWENTY-FIVE UNRULY AND NOISY FOURTH GRADERS. MOLLY AND MIKE STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS. CARL IS STANDING IN THE BACK. MOLLY Alright people, settle down. I want you to give your attention and your respect to Officer Michael Biggs of the Chicago -- SHUT UP! THE CLASS FALLS SILENT. MOLLY (CONT’D) Police department. Officer Biggs? MIKE Oh, okay. (THEN TO THE CLASS) Nice to be here. First off, let me say there are a lot of misconceptions about what a police officer actually does. A BOY, GARY, PIPES UP. GARY My dad says you guys are all “on the take.”

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 21. "Pilot" (I/D) MOLLY Gary. MIKE (TO MOLLY) No, that’s fine. (TO GARY) Well, that’s one of the misconceptions I was talking about. I know in movies and on TV they like to make you think there’s a lot of corruption, but -- ANGLE ON: ANOTHER STUDENT, KRYSTAL. KRYSTAL My mom says you guys only go after people of color. MIKE Oh geez, that’s not true at all. KRYSTAL You callin’ my mom a liar? MOLLY (TO THE CLASS) Why don’'t we save all our questions for the end. MIKE No, no, this is good. Questions lead to a give-and-take and stimulate discussion. GARY How can you be a cop and be so fat?

P MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 22. "Pilot" (I/D) MIKE (TO MOLLY) You know, maybe we should save the questions ‘til after. Just as a time-saver. CARL RAISES HIS HAND. CARL Hey, I got a question. MIKE (FRIMLY) No, you CARL Oh, but I do. MIKE What? CARL My question is, what made you wanna become a police officer in the first place? MOLLY That’s a great question. A BEAT. MIKE Well, I became a police officer, because my dad was a police officer. For thirty years he patrolled the same beat. A five block radius in the Wicker Park area. (MORE)

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 23. "Pilot" (1/D) MIKE (CONT'D) And since our last name is Biggs, he used to refer to it as “Biggs Mile.” And as a kid, I always thought he was saying, “big smile.” 1I'd watch him leave in the morning, with his uniform all pressed and his shoes shined like mirrors and I'd ask him, “Hey Dad, where you going?” And he’d say, “Biggs Mile, son.” And since I thought he was saying “big smile,” I'd always give him a big smile. ANGLE ON: MOLLY, DURING: MIKE (CONT'D) Anyway, everyone in that neighborhood loved him, ‘cause he kept the place safe and treated everybody with respect. He made police work look like a pretty noble profession. Right up until the very end. GARY What happened? Did he die? MIKE No, he fell in love with a prostitute, divorced my mom and moved to Tampa. Tore the whole family apart. AN AWKWARD BEAT.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 24. "pilot" (1/D) MIKE (TO MOLLY) I probably should have stopped at “noble profession.” AND WE: DISSOLVE TO: INT. HATLWAY OUTSIDE MOLLY'S CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER MIKE AND MOLLY STANDING OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM. CARL IS STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE, GIVING THEM PRIVACY. MOLLY Thanks again for doing this. The kids really got a lot out of it. MIKE My pleasure. honored and... humbled. MOLLY Hey, my lunch break is right after this period, if you wanna join me for a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge. MIKE Oh, thanks. But, we really need to get back to... crime fighting. MOLLY Okay, well, some other time. MIKE Yeah...

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 25. "Pilot" (1/D) MOLLY Okay. (A BEAT, THEN) Well, bye. MIKE Thank you. Bye. MOLLY CROSSES INTO THE CLASSROOM, CLOSING THE DOOR. MIKE (CONT’D) (MUMBLING, BLURTING) You look real pretty today. THE DOOR CLOSES BEFORE SHE CAN HEAR IT. CARL CROSSES TO MIKE. CARL I am very disappointed in you. MIKE NODS. THEY EXIT DOWN THE HALLWAY, MIKE LOOKING BACK AT THE CLASSROOM DOOR. IN A MOMENT OF BRAVERY, HE CROSSES BACK INTO THE CLASSROOM. MIKE (TO HIMSELF) Dammit. RESET TO: INT. MOLLY'S CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS MOLLY IS TALKING TO THE KIDS. MOLLY Now, let’s take out today’s reading assignment -- MIKE CROSSES IN. MOLLY AND THE STUDENTS STARE AT HIM. MOLLY (CONT’D) Was there something else, Officer Biggs?

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" MIKE Uh... (BLURTING) Don’t do drugs! A BEAT. MOLLY Always good advice. MIKE Yeah. I just feel you can never say that enough. (A BEAT, THEN) Alright... give a hoot, don’t pollute. MIKE CROSSES OUT. AND ON MOLLY’S WEARY SMILE, WE: END OF ACT ONE 26. (I/D) FADE OUT.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" ACT TWO FADE TN: INT. ABE'S HOT BEEF -~ THE NEXT NIGHT MIKE AND CARL, IN UNIFORM, ARE SEATED AT A TABLE. SERVING FOOD TO MIKE. SAMUEL (TO MIKE) Two meatball subs, large curly fries with cheese and double chocolate malt. Enjoy. What you don’t finish I will Fed-Ex to my cousin in Senegal. SAMUEL CROSSES BEHIND THE COUNTER. CARL (TO MIKE) What the hell are you doing? MIKE Having lunch. CARL This isn’t lunch, it’s a suicide with meatball bullets. MIKE Leave me alone. CARL TAKES MIKE’S PLATE AWAY FROM HIM. 27. (TI/E) SAMUEL IS

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" CARL No. You only eat like this when you’re depressed. MIKE How observant of you. Now, give me back my food. CARL No, I'm not gonna let you blow your diet. You’ve lost three and a half pounds. MIKE Oh, big deal. My farts weigh three and a half pounds. CARL You don’t have to tell me, I ride in a car with you every day. MIKE She was right there in front of me, waiting for me to ask her out. And what do I say? “Give a hoot, don’t pollute.” CARL Really, you said that? Okay, you can have one curly fry. takin’ the rest back. 28. (II/E) CARL TOSSES HIM A CURLY FRY AND TAKES THE FOOD BACK TO COUNTER.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 29. "Pilot" (II/E) CARL (CONT'D) Samuel, throw this away and give my partner a chicken breast on wheat toast. SAMUEL Throw it away? I don’t think so. SAMUEL TAKES THE FOOD AND CROSSES AWAY. CARL (TO MIKE) There. MIKE (SIGHS) Thanks. MIKE HUGS HIM. THEY NOTICE THE OTHER CUSTOMERS STARING AT THEM. A BEAT. CARL What? Cops can’t have feelings?! MIKE Go about your business! CUT TO:

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 30. "Pilot” (II/H) SCENE H INT. CHURCH CLASSROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT AN OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS MEETING IS IN PROGRESS. MOLLY IS ADDRESSING THE GROUP. MOLLY The truth is, I guess I've always used food for comfort. My dad died when I was little, leaving me, my mom and my sister to fend for ourselves. And somehow I wound up in the caretaker role. Which is probably for the best because my mom and my sister are... well, idiots. But I'm not here to blame. I’'m responsible for the way I eat. I’'m the one who goes grocery shopping and ends up at the check-out line with a cart full of empty Oscar Meyer packages and a chocolate milk moustache. Anyway, this has been kind of a tough year for me. (MORE)

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) MOLLY (CONT'D) I was engaged to be married and my fiancé met someone else and called off our wedding at the last minute. After asking me to lose twenty pounds for it. Which I did, by the way. (A BEAT, THEN) And I'm happy to say I've only gained thirty of it back. EVERYONE CHUCKLES. MOLLY (CONT'D) But, I'm not giving up. I’'m gonna keep working on it. And this time, not for anybody else. It’s for me. I'm doin’ it for me. And if my ex- fiancé happens to see me in a size two, well that’s just a bonus. Thank you. EVERYONE APPLAUDS. SHE SEES MIKE, STILL IN UNIFORM, IN THE BACK. SHE WAVES TO HIM. HE WAVES BACK. GROUP LEADER Okay, who’d like to share next? MOLLY CROSSES TO MIKE. MOLLY Didn’t see you there. MIKE That’s ‘cause I lost another pound. I'm damn near invisible. SHE LAUGHS. 31. (IT/H) STANDING

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 32. MIKE (CONT’'D) Can I talk to you outside? MOLLY Sure. MOLLY CROSSES OUT AND MIKE FOLLOWS, AS WE: RESET TO: INT. HATLLWAY OUTSIDE CHURCH CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS AS THEY CROSS INTO THE HALLWAY: MOLLY What'’'s up? MIKE Um, well... here’s the thing, I am sort of an amateur ichthyologist. MOLLY Fish, right? MIKE And crustaceans and marine mammals. Anyway, on my days off I like to go to the aquarium. There’s something really soothing about watching giant creatures gliding gracefully, almost weightlessly, through the water. MOLLY Sounds like my water aerobics class. MIKE (CHUCKLES) You’'re funny.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 33. "Pilot" (II/H) MOLLY I have to be. MIKE Sure, sure. But circling back to marine mammals, my favorite is the Béluga Whale, which is featured now at the Shedd Aquarium and I was wondering if you’d like -- MOLLY'’S CELL PHONE RINGS. MOLLY ExXcuse me. SHE TAKES OUT HER PHONE AND LOOKS AT THE CALLER I.D. MOLLY (CONT'D) My sister. (INTO PHONE) Victoria? Wait, stop. Just slow down, I can’t understand -- Fine, fine, I'm on my way! SHE HANGS UP. MOLLY (CONT'D) I'm sorry. 1I’ve gotta go. She’s hysterical. MIKE Go, go! MOLLY HURRIES OUT. MIKE WATCHES HER LEAVE. RESET TO:

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 34. "pilot" (II/H) INT. CHURCH CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS THE MEETING IS STILL IN PROGRESS. A LARGE WOMAN, KAY IS ADDRESSING THE GROUP. KAY ...and if I crave a snack, I’'ll just have a piece of celery or a carrot... THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND MIKE ENTERS HOLDING A TEN DOLLAR BILL. MIKE Alright, ten bucks to anyone with a candy bar. ©No questions asked. I‘11l just take it and leave. (A BEAT, THEN) Oh come on, you’re trying to tell me not one of you is “holding”?! CUT TO:

L MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 35. "Pilot" SCENE J INT. POLICE CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER CARL IS DRIVING. MIKE IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. CARL Whales? What the hell were you thinkin’? MIKE I couldn’t just ask her out, I had to lay some groundwork. CARL With whales? MIKE They’re magnificent creatures. Very sensuous. CARL You’re gonna die sad and alone in a house full of empty frosting cans, aren’'t ya? MIKE All signs point that way. A CALL COMES OVER THE RADIO.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" DISPATCHER (V.O.) Got an 8-31 at 110 Cicero Avenue. Handle code two. MIKE PICKS UP THE TWO-WAY RADIO HANDPIECE. MIKE (INTO RADIO) Car seventy-nine in the vicinity. DISPATCHER (V.O.) Roger, car seventy-nine. MIKE PUTS THE RADIO DOWN AND FLICKS THE LIGHTS ON. DRIVE FOR A BEAT, THEN: MIKE P.S. not all fat people like frosting. Some of us like pudding. 36. THEY CUT TO:

AT MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 37. "Pilot" (IT/K) SCENE K EXT. A SMALL BRICK HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER MIKE AND CARL CROSS TO THE FRONT DOOR. CARL RINGS THE BELL. CARL Maybe one of those Russian mail order brides is the way for you to go. MIKE Shut up. CARL What? They arrive at O’Hare in a wedding gown. You don’t even have to ask ‘em out. THE DOOR OPENS REVEALING JOYCE. JOYCE Took you long enough. They broke in and stole everything. The TV, stereo, my daughter’s computer. SHE LEADS THEM INTO THE HOUSE. RESET TO:

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 38. "pilot" (II/K) INT. MOLLY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS AS THEY ENTER: MIKE Any idea how they gained entry? JOYCE Oh what, so I gotta do your job now? VICTORIA CROSSES DOWN THE STAIRS. VICTORIA Dammit, they found my pot (SEEING CARL) and my pans and my spatula. CARL Hey, it’s you. VICTORIA (SUDDENLY FLIRTY) Officer Carl, so nice to see you again. MOLLY CROSSES IN FROM THE KITCHEN HOLDING A SET OF KEYS. MOLLY I think I know how they got in. Somebody left their keys in the back door. Victoria. (THEN SEES MIKE) Mike, what are you doin’ here? MIKE Um... somebody called the cops. We’'re the cops. MOLLY (SMILING) How about that.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" MIKE (SMILING) Yeah, how about that. JOYCE (TO VICTORIA) How do you know these bozos? CARL (TO JOYCE) Shh. Police business. Mike, it’s the freakin’ hand of fate. Go for it. MIKE NODS AND TURNS TO MOLLY. MIKE Molly? MOLLY Yeah? MIKE Would you go on a date with me? MOLLY I would love to. MIKE Good. THEY JUST STAND AND SMILE AT EACH OTHER. JOYCE (TO CARL) So, does either one of you guys do any actual police work? 39. (II/K)

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" CARL (GETTING MISTY) Lady, could you give me a minute? kind of invested here. AND WE: END OF ACT TWO 40. (II/K) FADE OUT.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 41. "Pilot" (TAG) TAG FADE IN: INT. RESTAURANT AT THE AQUARIUM - A WEEK LATER MIKE AND MOLLY, DRESSED NICELY, ARE FINISHING UP DINNER. BEHIND THEM IS A GIANT GLASS AQUARIUM. MIKE How was your swordfish? MOLLY Delicious. (RE: AQUARIUM FISH) But I feel a little guilty with them watching. MIKE That’s why I always order the chicken breast. They don’t swim. MOLLY (LAUGHS, THEN) Can I tell you a little secret? MIKE Sure. MOLLY I'm starving.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) 42. "Pilot" (TAG) MIKE Me too! THEY LAUGH. MIKE (CONT'D) But, what the hell, “Eat to live, don’t live to eat,” right? MOLLY Right. “No food tastes as good as skinny feels.” A WAITER CROSSES OVER ' PUSHING A DESSERT CART LOADED WITH PASTRIES AND SWEETS. WAITER Would you folks like something from our dessert cart this evening? MIKE No, thank you. MOLLY None for me. THE WAITER CROSSES OUT WITH THE CART. THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER. A BEAT. MIKE You know, if I was gonna have a dessert, it would have been that deep dish apple pie. MOLLY With a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top.

MIKE AND MOLLY (WRITERS SECOND DRAFT) "Pilot" A BEAT. AND WE: MIKE Absolutely. THEY CONSIDER. MOLLY Or... we could just get out of here and go make out in your car. MIKE (IMMEDIATELY WHISTLES TO WAITER, THEN) Yo! Bring the check! (TO MOLLY) Now this might be the first diet I can actually stick with. END OF SHOW 43. (TAG) FADE OUT.