ROSEANNE "Life and Stuff" Show #88-01/101 Written By MATT WILLIAMS THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY ASBROADCAST

ACT ONE Scene 1 FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - 7:30AM (DAY 1) (Roseanne, Dan, Becky, Darlene, D.J.) (BECKY IS ON THE PHONE, AD LIBBING, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO WEAR?" ETC.. ROSEANNE IS AT THE TOASTER. SHE CROSSES TO THE PANTRY. D.J. ENTERS, RUNNING. HE CROSSES IN FRONT OF ROSEANNE AND EXITS INTO THE UTILITY ROOM. ROSEANNE IGNORES HIM, CROSSES, AND SETS THE CEREAL ON THE TABLE) BECKY I'm serious. He'll still like you. ROSEANNE (CALLING OFF) Breakfast! (ROSEANNE CROSSES TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES OUT A GALLON OF MILK. BECKY, STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE, CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND GRABS A HANDFUL OF CEREAL. D.J. ENTERS FROM THE UTILITY ROOM, CARRYING HIS SHOES. HE CROSSES, SITS IN A CHAIR, AND STARTS TO PUT ON THE SHOES) DARLENE (0S) Mom! Mom! (BECKY CROSSES TO THE TOAST) BECKY He is such a dog! Any jam? ROSEANNE No. (ROSEANNE CROSSES AND STARTS PUTTING SANDWICHES INTO BAGS)

DARLENE (0S) Mom! (BECKY CONTINUES TALKING ON THE PHONE AS SHE EATS TOAST. DARLENE ENTERS AND THROWS A BAG OF BOOKS ON THE FLOOR) DARLENE (CONT'D) Mom, where's my English book? ROSEANNE I gold it. DARLENE Mom. ROSEANNE It's on top of the TV. (DARLENE HEADS TOWARD THE LIVING ROOM) BECKY (INTO PHONE) ...0kay. I'll see you at school. Yeah, bye. (DARLENE EXITS. BECKY HANGS UP THE TELEPHONE, CROSSES TO THE CUPBOARD, AND STARTS PULLING OUT CANS OF FOOD) D.J Mom? ROSEANNE What? D.J. (HOLDING UP THE SNEAKER) I got a knot in my shoe. ROSEANNE Wear loafers. 2. T/l

b D.J. Come on. Mom. ROSEANNE All right. Give it here. (ROSEANNE TAKES THE SHOE AND UNTIES THE KNOT) ) 8 Can I have pie for breakfast? ROSEANNE No, that's contaminated. Go sit down and eat your breakfast now. (D.J. CROSSES TO THE TABLE) ROSEANNE (CONT'D) And don't spill vour milk today. neither. Here you go. (ROSEANNE TOSSES THE SHOE TO D.J.. BECKY EXITS TO THE UTILITY ROOM DAN ENTERS, DRESSED FOR WORK) DAN Is there coffee? ROSEANNE Dan. DAN Yeah? ROSEANNE Is there coffee every morning? DAN Yes. b ROSEANNE In the fifteen years we've been

married, has there ever been one morning when there wasn't any coffee? DAN No. ROSEANNE Then why do you have to ask me every morning if there's coffee? (DAN STARES AT HER A BEAT, THEN) (ROSEANNE LAUGHS AND CROSSES TO THE TABLE WITH THE TOAST. DAN Is there toast? DAN CROSSES TO THE COFFEE MAKER AND POURS A CUP BECKY ENTERS AND CROSSES TO THE PANTRY) ROSEANNE What's going on with you? BECKY Mother. This is very important. Our school is having a food drive for poor people. ROSEANNE Well tell them to drive some of that food over here. BECKY Mother! ROSEANNE Two cans. That's it.

DAN Don't touch that creamed corn. SFX: TELEPHONE RINGS

I'll get it! (BECKY RACES TO THE TELEPHONE. DARLENE ENTERS, CARRYING HER HISTORY BOOK. AS SHE PASSES D.J., SHE SMACKS HIM ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WITH THE BOOK) BECKY (CONT'D) Hello. Mom! DARLENE He started it. D.J. Did not. DARLENE You little creep. D.J. You pig face. ROSEANNE Knock it off you two. Stop it. Get away. Get away. DAN Listen to mother. ROSEANNE You heard your father. (DARLENE AND D.J. STOP FIGHTING. AS BECKY TALKS, SHE REACHES AROUND ROSEANNE FOR SOME CEREAL) BECKY (INTO PHONE) Connie, don't tell him that. I/1

(INTO PHONE) ROSEANNE Get off the phone. BECKY Mom. .. ROSEANNE Now . BECKY I gotta go. Bye. (BECKY HANGS UP AND EXITS) (TO DAN) (TO D.J.) Dad, you know what would be really good for breakfast? DAN What? D.J Pie. ROSEANNE Tell him no. DAN No. SFX: TELEPHONE RINGS (ROSEANNE QUICKLY SNATCHES UP THE RECEIVER) (INTO PHONE) ROSEANNE Oh, hi. I loocked in the mirror LAY

) and I'm gettin' boobs. Becky can't talk now. (ROSEANNE HANGS UP AND CROSSES TO THE TABLE. DARLENE SITS READING HER HISTORY BOOK) DARLENE Oh my gosh. I was supposed to give you this. ROSEANNE What is it? (DARLENE PULLS A FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF HER HISTORY BOOK AND HANDS IT TO ROSEANNE) DARLENE It's a note from my History teacher, Miss Crane. You got to meet with her at three-fifteen. ROSEANNE Today? DARLENE Uh-huh. ROSEANNE Why do you always wait until the last minute to tell me these things? 1I've got a life, too, you know. It's not like I don't have nothing to do. DARLENE (_j I'm sorry. What do you want me to do, throw myself off a bridge?

ROSEANNE Yeah, and take your brother and sister with you. SFX: SCHOOL BUS HORN (THE KIDS SCRAMBLE, GATHERING THEIR BOOKS. ROSEANNE QUICKLY SHOVES SANDWICHES, APPLES, AND CHIPS INTO THE BROWN PAPER BAGS) ROSEANNE (CONT'D) You guys didn't even brush your teeth. D.J. We don't have time. DARLENE We'll miss the bus. (ROSEANNE HANDS D.J. AND DARLENE THE LUNCH BAGS) D.J. Bye DARLENE Bye. DAN (STILL READING) Bye. (D.J. AND DARLENE EXIT ON THE RUN. ROSEANNE CROSSES TO THE TABLE) ROSEANNE Quick. They're gone, change the locks. (ROSEANNE NOTICES DAN STARING AT THE BUTTER) ROSEANNE (CONT'D) What is it? I/1

10. DAN I really don't want pick. ROSEANNE What?

DAN I can't stand it when people leave toast crumbs on the butter. ROSEANNE Well what difference does it make? You're just going to smear it on your toast. DAN It ain't right. You don't like it when people leave jelly in the peanut butter jar. ROSEANNE Well that's sickening. DAN Same thing. ROSEANNE Is not. DAN Fraid so. Fraid so. ROSEANNE Is not. Oh it is not. Oh, alright, here. (SHE SCRAPES THE CRUMBS OFF THE BUTTER AND PUSHES IT BACK TOWARD DAN) ROSEANNE (CONT'D) Nice fresh butter. Knock yourself out. DAN I love you, darling. 11, -

ROSEANNE I love you, too. X: CAR HORN Save me that detergent coupon. (CALLING OFF) Becky! (ROSEANNE CROSSES TO BECKY'S LUNCH BAG, THEN NOTICES THE SINK) ROSEANNE (CONT'D) Dan? DAN Yeah. ROSEANNE This sink's all backed up again. DAN I'll plunge it right after breakfast. ROSEANNE Well I don't want you to plunge it. I want you to fix it now. DAN You got it, babe. ROSEANNE This is the third time this week. You gotta fix it today. DAN Absolutely. (BECKY ENTERS, CARRYING BOOKS, TWO CANS OF FOOD, AND A NEW, RED BOOKBAG) BECKY 1z,

Mom? My bookbag just fell apart. (BECKY HOLDS UP THE BOOKBAG) ROSEANNE I just bought it yesterday. SFX: CAR HORN BECKY Mom, please. You gotta take it back. ROSEANNE Alright. 1I'll do it after work. (BECKY KISSES ROSEANNE ON THE CHEEK) BECKY Bye. (BECKY GRABS HER LUNCH BAG OFF THE COUNTER AND EXITS) ROSEANNE Goodbye. (ROSEANNE SITS AT THE TABLE. DURING THE FOLLOWING, SHE PICKS UP A PIECE OF LEFTOVER TOAST AND DUNKS IT IN DAN'S COFFEE) ROSEANNE Could you meet with Darlene's teacher today? DAN I can't do it today babe. I'm putting in a bid on a job. If I get it, me and Freddy'll start construction this afternoon. ROSEANNE

(A BEAT) Well, how about this bookbag? Can you exchange that. Could you fit that into your tight schedule there? DAN It's either that or fix the sink. ROSEANNE Okay, fix the sink. I'll do everything else, like I always do. I'll have to get off work an hour early, lose an hour's pay, totally rearrange my whole schedule. But I don't mind. DAN Are you ever sorry we got married? ROSEANNE Every second of my life. DAN Me, too. ROSEANNE You are? Really? DAN Nah. ROSEANNE Okay. Me neither, then. ROSEANNE (CONT'D) Hey. Who would you've married if you

15. I/1 didn't marry me? DAN Rosie... ROSEANNE Come on, Who?

DAN No one. ROSEANNE Oh sure you wouldn't. Who? Just tell me. I swear I won't get mad. I know, Beth Winchester. DAN Are you kidding? ROSEANNE Come on. I'm not gonna get mad. I just want you to tell me the truth. I swear I'm not getting mad. Just tell. DAN Josephine Carter. ROSEANNE Josephine Carter! That old slut? DAN She had great toes. ROSEANNE Toes? DAN Yeah. She used to sit there and cross her legs and dangle her shoe off the end of her toe. Drove me crazy. ROSEANNE S0 you were going to marry her for that? I/1

C (A BEAT) DAN Yes, ma'am. ROSEANNE Well, why didn't you? DAN Well. The morning I was going to propose, I took her over to this little coffee shop--real quiet, out of the way place. Then just as I was about to pop the question, she smeared toast crumbs all over the butter. That was it. I got up, I left. I didn't even pay the check. ROSEANNE You think you're pretty cute, don't you? DAN Pretty much. (ROSEANNE LAUGHS AND GIVES DAN A PLAYFUL SHOVE) DISSOLVE TO: 17. I/1

(b/‘ ACT ONE Scene | INT. LUNCH ROOM/FACTORY - 8:00AM (DAY 1) (Roseanne, Jackie, Crystal, Booker, Pete, Juanita, Vonda, Sylvia, Extras) (WORKERS MINGLE AROUND THE VENDING MACHINES OR SIT AT TABLES. CRYSTAL ANDERSON, VONDA GREENE, AND SYLVIA FOSTER SIT AT A TABLE, EATING DONUTS AND SIPPING COFFEE. JUANITA LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND CROSSES TO THE COFFEE. ROSEANNE CROSSES TO BOOKER AT THE VENDING MACHINE. HE PULLS ONE OF THE KNOBS AND HITS THE MACHINE REPEATEDLY) ROSEANNE Hey, Booker. Hold it. (BOOKER STOPS POUNDING) BOOKER (_J What. ROSEANNE Well, it's not an employee. You don't have to beat it to get it to work. (ROSEANNE GENTLY PULLS THE KNOB. A PACK OF GUM DROPS INTO THE CHUTE. ROSEANNE PICKS IT BOOKER Thank you. ROSEANNE Booker. got to get off an hour early today. BOOKER (.J I can't do it we're two hundred cases behind on that Gelman order.

19, (BOOKER CROSSES TO THE TIMECARDS. ROSEANNE FOLLOWS) ROSEANNE I've got to Bookern really important. BOOKER You have to understand my position. ROSEANNE Well you have to understand my position, Booker. 1I've got to go to school and talk to my kid's teacher. BOOKER Roseanne. Here at Wellman Plastics we are a team, and I'd like to make us a winning team. All the players are equally as important. The running backs are no more important than the pulling gauards. The pulling guards are no more-- ROSEANNE Yeah I got it; I got . like the big old quilting bee. BOOKER A what? ROSEANNE You know. Where all the barefoot women on the prairie get together you know, and they all stitch this

one really incredible quilt. And no one patch is any more important than any other patch kinda thing, you know. 20. I/2

215 T2 BOCKER (TRYING TO FOLLOW) Uh-huh. ROSEANNE Well, the woman sewing this patch has to get off an hour early today, Booker. BOOKER Look, Roseanne... ROSEANNE I'm looking, Booker. Come on. Give me a break. BOOKER (;; All right. I'll give you half an hour. And it's coming outta your check. ROSEANNE Well, there goes the Porsche. (JUANITA ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AS ROSEANNE CROSSES TO THE COFFEE COUNTER) JUANITA Hey, Booker, can I have a day off-- BOOKER (AUTHORITATIVELY) No! (BOOKER EXITS. JUANITA MUTTERS TO HERSELF AND SITS AT THE TABLE. ROSEANNE HOLDS UP A PACKET OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETNER AND TURNS TO THE WOMEN AT THE TABLE) ROSEANNE We got any actual sugar here? (CYRSTAL HOLDS UP A PACKET OF SUGAR)

CRYSTAL I've got some. ROSEANNE Yeah. Thanks. (ROSEANNE CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND TAKES THE SUGAR) VONDA Was Booker giving you a hard time again? ROSEANNE No. He's giving me that old football speech of his, you know. VONDA Oh, veah. The running backs are no more important.... (THE OTHER WOMEN JOIN IN) ALL the pulling guards... (THE WOMEN AD LIB, "YEAH," "RIGHT," "WE KNOW," ETC) 3 ROSEANNE Yeah, that old thing. ©Oh, I just love it when a guy talks sports. It does something to me. The only thing that's more exciting than that is when Dan talks about hydraulic jacks and snow tires. CRYSTAL You can joke all you want. But you got yourself the ideal man.

23. ROSEANNE Oh. huh? CRYSTAL Sure. I'd give anything to have a man like Dan. He stays home. He never runs around on you. He's good to the kids. And he's hygienic. ROSEANNE Crystal, you think he came that way? It's fifteen years of fighting that made him like that. CRYSTAL You are so full of it. ROSEANNE I'm serious. A good man don't just happen. They have to be created by us women. (THE WOMEN AD LIB: "YEAH," "I LIKE IT," ETIC.) CRYSTAL You think you know everything. ROSEANNE Well I do know everything, Crystal. A guy is a lump. Like this donut. (ROSEANNE PICKS UP A DONUT) Okay. So first you got to get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him.

( ) {SHE TEARS OFF TWO PIECES OF THE DONUT AND TOSSES THEM AWAY) ROSEANNE (CCNT'D) And then you got to get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from the beer commercials. (SHE TEARS OFF ANOTHER PIECE AND TOSSES IT) And then there's my personal favorite... (SHE TEARS OFF A LARGE HUNK OF DONUT) The male ego. (SHE POPS THE PIECE INTO HER MOUTH AND CHEWS. SOME WOMEN CHEER, OTHERS GROAN) SFX: WHISTLE BLOWS (AS EVERYONE EXITS TO THE FACTORY, ROSEANNE'S SISTER, JACKIE HARRIS, ENTERS, PUNCHES IN, AND CROSSES TO ROSEANNE) ROSEANNE Hi, Sis. JACKIE Hi. Roseanne... ROSEANNE What? JACKIE Do you realize that most people use only two percent of their mind's potential? ROSEANNE That much, huh? 24, I/2

I/2 JACKIE Last night I went to this incredible seminar.

(ROSEANNE AND JACKIE HEAD TOWARD THE SWINGING DOORS) CUT TO: ROSEANNE What was it this time, 'Dare To Be A Millionaire?' JACKIE 'See it and Be ROSEANNE Be what? INT. FACTORY (CRYSTAL IS AT THE WORKBENCH. ROSEANNE AND JACKIE ENTER) CRYSTAL Hi, Jackie. JACKIE Hey, Crystal. Roseanne, this guy, Doctor Jerry Macklin, he teaches you how to tap into the hidden treasures of your unconcious mind. ROSEANNE He does, huh? JACKIE Yeah. It's so simple. He goes, 'If your mind can conceive it, and your heart can believe it, then you can achieve it.' 26. I/2

CRYSTAL Achieve what? ROSEANNE Oh, Sis here, went to another one of her 'incredible' seminars. CRYSTAL Oh. JACKIE Great. It was great. CRYSTAL Maybe I should go with you to one of your seminars. JACKIE 'See It and Be It' that's the one you should go to. Crystal, this will change your life. CRYSTAL I'd love to change my life. JACKIE You can. For only thirty dollars. one-night course. What you get are the basics of visualization. CRYSTAL Visualization? JACKIE Yeah, you use your mind's potential to get anything you want. Like you want a brand new It's a

(_j DISSOLVE TO: car, all you have to do is visualize it. CRYSTAL Well, that sounds easy enough. ROSEANNE Well, maybe you're on to something here Sis. JACKIE Yeah. You, get out of here. ROSEANNE No, I'm serious. I'm visualizing a clean house, kids who don't talk back, and a husband who waits on me hand and foot. JACKIE You can have that. ROSEANNE Yeah, and we're all getting in Crystal's brand new car and we're driving up this beautiful mountain road to go to the countryside... JACKIE Good idea. ROSEANNE ...to visit my sister in the nut barn. 28. I/2

@ . ACT ONE Scene 3 INT. CLASSROOM - 3:30PM (DAY 1) (Roseanne, Miss Crane) (MISS CRANE IS AT HER DESK, PREPARING TO LEAVE. SHE CARRIES A BRIEFCASE AND A SPORTS BAG WITH A SQUASH RACQUET. ROSEANNE ENTERS, OUT OF BREATH) ROSEANNE Hi. Are you the History teacher? MISS CRANE Yes. I'm Ms. Crane. ROSEANNE Hi. I'm Darlene's mom. — MISS CRANE {CHECKING HER WATCH) Oh. I'd given up on you. You're fifteen minutes late. ROSEANNE I'm really sorry. I got here as soon as I could. MISS CRANE I don't think we can do this today. ROSEANNE What? MISS CRANE I have an another engagement. ) ROSEANNE (INDICATING SPORTS BAG) What. You're gonna go play tennis? 29. T3

Squash. Could we do this another day ROSEANNE No. I had to get off from work an hour early and lose pay. Then I got caught in traffic... MISS CRANE All right. All right. All right. We'll do it today. Have a seat. (ROSEANNE SITS) MISS CRANE (CONT'D) Darlene has been demonstrating behavorial problems. ROSEANNE What does that mean? MISS CRANE She's been barking in class. ROSEANNE Barking? MISS CRANE Like a dog. ROSEANNE Well did you tell her to stop it? MISS CRANE I did. ROSEANNE Did she stop it? MISS CRANE She stopped. -

31 ROSEANNE What's the problem? MISS CRANE I feel this barking is an aggressive manifestation of a deeper internal problem. ROSEANNE Huh? MISS CRANE Now, let me explain. We have found that when behavioral problems arise in the classroom, it usually indicates a problem at home. ROSEANNE Uh~-huh. MISS CRANE How would you describe your relationship with your daughter? ROSEANNE Oh, I'd say it's typical. MISS CRANE Typical? Not special? ROSEANNE Typical. MISS CRANE Do yvou feel you spend enough time with your daughter? ROSEANNE You mean like 'quality' time?

32 I/3 ) MISS CRANE U Yes. Do you spend any free time with Darlene? ROSEANNE Well I have three kids and I work so I don't have any free time. MISS CRANE Well, see now. That may be the problem. ROSEANNE Uh hmm. Well I think the problem is, that there is no problem. MISS CRANE Your daughter barks. ROSEANNE Our whole family barks. END OF ACT ONE

D.J., 2 CT TWO Scene 1 (ROSEANNE ENTERS, CROSSES, AND SITS NEXT TO HOLDING UP THE PIE AND THE SPOON. D.J. HAS PIE CRUMBS AND A GOB OF PIE FILLING IN THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH) ROSEANNE D.J. Do you know anything about this? D.J. About what? ROSEANNE About this pie. Did you eat it? D.J. Nope. ROSEANNE Not even a nibble? D.J. Nope. (ROSEANNE SCRAPES THE GOB OF PIE FILLING OFF D.J.'S MOUTH WITH HER FINGER) ROSEANNE What's all this? I1/1

Dirt? (ROSEANNE LICKS HER FINGER) ROSEANNE It tastes like blueberry dirt. (RCSEANNE GIVES D.J. A PLAYFUL SHAKE. THEY BOTH LAUGH. DARLENE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, WEARING A BASEBALL GLOVE. HER CLOTHES ARE DIRTY AND GRASS-STAINED) DARLENE (TRIUMPHANTLY) Mom. Guess what. I struck out Mark Winstead six times. He threw his bat at me and started crying. The wimp. (DARLENE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AND GRABS A CAN OF SODA OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR) D.J. Mom? ROSEANNE What? D.J. Can I go over to Billy's? ROSEANNE No. You can't go noplace for the rest of your life. (ROSEANNE HEADS TOWARD THE KITCHEN AS DARLENE ENTERS THE LIVING ROSEANNE (CONT'D) Come here, you. DARLENE 34.

35, I1/1 What? et = =) o INT. KITCHEN (ROSEANNE AND DARLENE ENTER) ROSEANNE Well I talked to your History teacher today. DARLENE Oh Miss Crane, 'The Pain.' ROSEANNE Yeah, you're a real jokester, all right. SFX: TV CARTOONS FROM LIVING ROOM ROSEANNE (CONT'D) (CALLING OFF) Turn that down! (TO DARLENE) She says you've been barking in class. DARLENE Yeah. ROSEANNE Well, what'd you want to do that for? DARLENE Mom, she is so boring. If I don't

© ® bark, I'll fall asleep. (BECKY ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM) BECKY Mom. Did you get my bookbag? ROSEANNE (INDICATING THE COUNTER) Yeah. It's over there. BECKY Okay. Thanks. ROSEANNE (TO DARLENE) Well, I mean it Darlene. You need to knock it off and I'm serious. No more barking. DARLENE But everyone makes fun of Miss Crane. BECKY Mom, this is blue. DARLENE (TO BECKY) Hey, I'm talking to Mom. BECKY Well. So am I. DARLENE Shut up. BECKY Don't tell me to shut up. DARLENE BECKY (CONT'D) ROSEANNE

37. I1/1 Shut up. Shut up. You are soO immature. All right, Shut up. You make When are you ever quit it. want to puke. going to grow up?

ROSEANNE Knock it off! {TO BECKY) You are going to use that bag until you're thirty. BECKY Great. I'm just gonna look like a freak, that's all. DARLENE What else is new? BECKY Shut up. (BECKY EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM) ROSEANNE This is why some animals eat their young. (INDICATING DARLENE'S THINGS) Now look. I want you to take all of your stuff up to your room. Right now. (AS DARLENE IS PICKING UP HER BOOKS, BASEBALL GLOVE, AND JACKET, DAN ENTERS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR, CARRYING AN OBJECT WRAPPED IN A TOWEL. HE SETS THE OBJECT ON THE TABLE) DAN (CROSSING TO THE REFRIGERATOR) Hi, babe. DARLENE Dad. I struck out Mark Winstead six times. w b bt

DAN Yeah, I saw that in the sports page. DARLENE Dad. DAN Said something about him being your boyfriend. DARLENE What? He's not my boyfriend! DAN You always strike out the one you love, Mrs. Winstead. DARLENE (HEADING TOWARD THE LIVING ROOM) He's not my boyfriend. I can't stand him. DAN (LOOKING IN THE REFRIGERATOR SINGING) K-i-s-s-i-n-g DARLENE Be quiet! (DARLENE EXITS) DAN First comes love, then ccmes marriage... You get any beer? ROSEANNE On the counter.

DAN Thanks honey. You're a peach. Then comes Marky in a baby carriage. {DAN CROSSES TO THE COUNTER AND PULLS A CAN OF BEER OFF A SIX-PACK) DAN (CONT'D) Hey, this is warm. {A BEAT) Ah, that's all right. (DAN POPS OPEN THE BEER, TAKES A SIP, AND SITS ON THE COUNTER) ROSEANNE Dan. DAN Yes? ROSEANNE How come this sink ain't fixed yet? DAN Oh. I'm going to get right on it. Oh. Check this out. (DAN UNWRAPS A WOODEN FIGUREHEAD) DAN (CONT'D) A genuine, handcarved figurehead. ROSEANNE Uh-huh. Yeah. DAN When I get the boat finished, I'm going to slap this baby right on the front.

ROSEANNE Oh. You are, huh? DAN Ain't it a beaut? I can't believe Dwight was going to throw this out. ROSEANNE What were you doing over at Dwight's? DAN Me and Freddy went over there to help him work on his truck. ROSEANNE I thought you said you were gonna start a job today. DAN Oh. I didn't get it. Somebody put in a lower bid. ROSEANNE So you had like the whole day off. DAN No, I didn't have the whole day off. I was busy. Making contacts. ROSEANNE With what, Dwight's truck and a six-pack? DAN Aw, come on, Roseanne-- ROSEANNE Oh, come on, Dan. 41.

DAN I was hoping he'd kick a little work my way. I got my last two jobs from Dwight. ROSEANNE Well maybe he can get you your next wife. DAN Maybe. ROSEANNE Oooo, well what would I ever do without you? You just sit there and drink your beer, hubby. I'll fix the sink, myself. L ) DAN The hell you will. fix the sink Roseanne. (ROSEANNE EXITS TO THE UTILITY ROOM. DAN FOLLOWS HER) CUT TO: INT. UTILITY ROOM (DAN ENTERS) ROSEANNE Oh. Talk is cheap, Mister Fix-It. DAN = Fixing the sink is the husband's job. I am the husband. 42.

ROSEANNE Yeah and I'm the wife. So, it's my job to do everything else. Right? DAN Aw don't give me that. {ROSEANNE GRABS THE PLUNGER) ROSEANNE Oh,well, it must be true. I put in eight hours a day at the factory, and now I come home, and put in another eight hours. (DARLENE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN) ROSEANNE (CONT'D) I'm running around like a maniac, taking back school-- DARLENE Mom, where's the tape? ROSEANNE In the bathroom. Third drawer. (DARLENE EXITS) ROSEANNE (CONT'D) (TO DAN) ...bookbags. Talking to teachers, and everything else and you don't do nothing. (ROSEANNE HEADS TOWARD THE KITCHEN. DAN FOLLOWS) CUT TO: 43. II/1

INT. KITCHEN (ROSEANNE ENTERS CARRYING THE PLUNGER, FOLLOWED BY DAN) DAN Whoa. Hey, I do plenty around here. ROSEANNE Like what? DAN Clean the gutters. ROSEANNE And? (A BEAT. THEN) DAN What's the point here, Roseanne? ROSEANNE There is no point. Okay? No point. (ROSEANNE PLUNGES THE SINK FOR SEVERAL BEATS) ROSEANNE (CONT'D) The point is, you think this is a magic kingdom where you just sit up here on your throne. DAN Oh, yeah? ROSEANNE Yeah. And you think everything Q—/ gets done by some wonderful wizard. Oh. Poof! The laundry is folded. Poof! Dinner is on the table. 44, I1/1

= DAN You want me to fix dinner? 1I'll fix dinner. I'm fixing dinner. {DAN CROSSES TO THE CUPBOARD, PULLS OUT SEVERAL CANS, CROSSES TO THE STOVE, AND STARTS OPENING THEM) ROSEANNE Oh, but, honey, you just fixed dinner three ago. DAN Think I can't cook? I can cook. I'm cooking. ROSEANNE Yeah. And I'll spend the rest of the night washing up the dishes. DAN Hey, I do the dishes. ROSEANNE When? DAN Thursday. Six forty-five. P.M.. ROSEANNE Nineteen seventy-what? ” (NOTICING DAN IS STRUGGLING WITH THE CAN) Y no ROSEANNE (CONT'D) Oh we can't have a big can of corn for dinner. I'll do it. Oh,let (.J me do it. It's easier. (ROSEANNE PUSHES DAN AWAY AND GRABS THE CAN OPENER) 45, II/1

46. I1/1 DAN See? I try to help. {ROSEANNE CROSSES TO THE FANTRY, GRABS MORE FOOD, THEN CROSSES BACK TO THE STOVE) ROSEANNE Well, you better try a little bit harder. You know why? You better come down off of your throne right now and start helping me out around here, because I'm getting fed up. DAN Yeah. Well, I got a royal news flash for you. (FROM THE LIVING ROOM, WE HEAR:) DARLENE (0S) Ahhh! BECKY (0S) Mom! Dad! (BECKY ENTERS) BECKY (CONT'D) Darlene cut her finger off! (ROSEANNE, DAN, AND BECKY HEAD TOWARD THE LIVING ROOM) CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM (THE TV IS STILL ON. DARLENE IS HOLDING HER FINGER, CRYING. ROSEANNE, DAN, AND BECKY ENTER) SFX: TV CARTOONS

ROSEANNE What happened? BECKY She cut herself with the scissors. DAN Let's see. Oh, okay come on. Let's go. (DAN CARRIES DARLENE TOWARD THE KITCHEN) BECKY Take her to the emergency room. She needs a tourniquet. ROSEANNE Shut up, honey. (-} (ROSEANNE HEADS TOWARD THE KITCHEN) CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN (DAN ENTERS WITH DARLENE, WHO IS STILL CRYING. HE LEADS HER TO THE SINK AND RUNS WATER OVER THE FINGER) DAN Let's rinse this off first. Okay. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Okay now, we just gotta keep your finger above your head. (-) DARLENE Yeah, but it hurts.

o (DAN WRAPS DARLENE'S FINGER IN A PAPER TOWEL) (DAN HOLDS DARLENE'S FINGER ABOVE HER HEAD AND APPLIES PRESSURE. ROSEANNE ENTERS WITH THE FIRST-AID KIT AND TAKES OUT A BANDAGE) DAN Yeah, Honey. Well, try not to think about your finger. Think about something else. DARLENE I can't. DAN Yeah, you can. Think about...a flower. ROSEANNE A flower? DAN Yeah. Close your eyes. Go ahead, close them. (DARLENE CLOSES HER EYES) DAN (CONT'D) Okay. Now, think about a real pretty flower. 1It's out in the middle of the field and the sun is shining on it. Can you see it? DARLENE No. ROSEANNE Okay, forget about the flower. 48. I1/1

49. Think about...the demolition derby. DARLENE What about it?

50. = ROSEANNE Well, remember how that yellow station wagon got clobbered? DARLENE Yeah. That was neat. (AS ROSEANNE TALKS, DAN REMOVES THE TOWEL, CHECKS THE FINGER. ROSEANNE APPLIES A BANDAID) ROSEANNE How those two cars sandwiched him and slammed him into the wall. DARLENE Yeah. DAN And then Ricky Tornado came full Q-/ speed and tore the guys rear end off and flipped him over. DARLENE (GETTING INTO IT) Yeah. That was a blast. (ROSEANNE FINISHES APPLYING THE BANDAID) DAN Okay, bub. You're all finished. DARLENE (OPENING HER EYES) I am? DAN (;J‘ Yep DARLENE Wow. I didn't even feel it.

51. I1/1 ROSEANNE Pretty cool, nhuh? DARLENE (EXAMINING HER FINGER) Yeah. Thanks. (DARLENE EXITS. DAN AND ROSEANNE LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A LONG BEAT. THEN) ROSEANNE Are you hungry? DAN Not really. ROSEANNE Great. 1I'll fix dinner. DAN Great. (DAN CROSSES TO THE SINK. ROSEANNE CROSSES TO THE STOVE) FADE OUT: END OF ACT TWO

TAG INT. GARAGE - TWILIGHT (DAY 1) (Roseanne, Dan) (DAN IS WORKING ON HIS SAILBOAT, WHICH IS IN THE EARLY STAGES OF CONSTRUCTION. THE FIGUREHEAD IS PROPPED UP AGAINST THE FRAME. ROSEANNE ENTERS, CARRYING A CUP OF COFFEE) ROSEANNE Here you go. DAN Oh, thanks, babe. Thank you. Honey, feel that board. You won't believe how smooth it is. Yeah. Run your hand along it. (ROSEANNE RUNS HER HAND ALONG THE BOARD) DAN (CONT'D) Feels good, huh? ROSEANNE Yeah. I'm trembling with excitement. DAN Just think, when you and I are retired, we're going to be cruising the Caribbean on this baby. ROSEANNE I'm not getting on this thing. DAN It'll be great. We'll spend our last years together sailing through paradise. 52.

(A BEAT) ROSEANNE All this sailor stuff really turns you on, huh? DAN Absolutely. You know there's nothing more romantic than drifting on the open sea. ROSEANNE Yeah? DAN Yeah. We'll be all alone together every night, cuddled up in bed. Moonlight dancing on the water. Every night will be a voyage to ecstasy. ROSEANNE You're turning me on. DAN I am? ROSEANNE Yeah. Let's do it. DAN (MOVING CLOSER) FADE OUT: What about the sink? ROSEANNE Anywhere you want. END OF SHOW 53.