by" Larry David Jerry Seinfeld

FADE IN: INT. VIDEO RENTAL STORE (JERRY AND A FRIEND, EILEEN ARE TRYING TO DECIDE ON A MOVIE. EILEEN IS IN HER LATE 20'S; SOMEWHAT CYNICAL; EILEEN INSPECTS A TAPE.) JERRY What's that? EILEEN ncocoon II, The Return"...I guess didn't like it up there. JERRY Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Maureen Stapleton had a craving. She kept screaming -at the aliens, "I've gotta get some lo (EILEEN PUTS IT BACK. THEY CONTINUE SEARCHING...EILEEN STARTS LAUGHING.) JERRY What are you laughing at? EILEEN Nothing. I thought of something. (MORE)

JERRY What? EILEEN This guy I went out with on Friday. JERRY What about him? EILEEN - (ENJOYING HERSELF) ’ He had this habit. "You know" after every So, after a answering him. really like the shrimp, And I'd say, "No, And then he got this real confused while Like he'd say, look on his face. (WE OVERHEAR TWO MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN ON THEIR WAY OUT:) When you're That's it. anywhere. (AND THEY'RE GONE) (MORE) You're He kept saying sentence. I started you know?" I didn't know." you're dead. not going "I

EILEEN (LOOKING AT TAPE) This is supposed to be good. "Prick Up Your Ears." JERRY I saw it in a theatre. There's a lot of male kissing. I had a little trouble with it. EILEEN Did you cover your eyes? JERRY No, I just kind of played with the popcorn...Do you think homosexuals close their eyes when they see heterosexuals kissing? EILEEN I close my eyes when I see heterosexuals kissing... (JERRY .IS OBVIOUSLY A PORNO MOVIE.) JERRY Then I suppose this is out of the question. (MORE)

(EILEEN CRINGES) EILEEN I really don't think film is the penis's medium. (GETTING AN IDEA) But that would be a really funny gift for Pamela‘'s birthday. JERRY Pamela, do I know her? EILEEN You met her when we were going out. JERRY oh yeah, right. EILEEN fact...no, you'll never do this. JERRY What is it? Well, she's invited a bunch of people to get together at some bar tomorrow night for her birthday...noway, right? (MORE)

JERRY Wait a second, wait a second. Maybe we can work out a little deal here. EILEEN what kind of deal? JERRY Well...I'll go to that if to this wedding I have to go to on saturday. EILEEN A wedding? call that a deal? I'm talking about a couple of beers. You get ‘home from a wedding you feel like you have jet lag without having gone anywhere. JERRY Come on it'll be fun...My parents are going to be there. They're coming in? JERRY Yeah tomorrow. (MORE)

EILEEN Did your father ever get that hair weave? JERRY No, he's still doing the sweep across. EILEEN Why does he do that? JERRY (SHRUGS) He think anyone can tell...Come on do we have a deal? EILEEN A wedding? JERRY I'11 pick you up and take you home. EILEEN Alright, it's a deal. JERRY So what are we getting? Anything? I always feel guilty in these places. It's like a bookstore for idiots. (MORE)

EILEEN It wasn't my idea to come here. JERRY I never said I wasn't an idiot. INT.BAR/RESTAURANT (JERRY AND EILEEN ENTER THROUGH REVOLVING DOOR. IT'S CROWDED AND NOISY. A PIANO PLAYER IS SINGING COLE PORTER.) JERRY I hate situations 1like this. I don't know anyone. Who am I going to talk to? EILEEN You can talk to me...What's wrong with you? Don't you like to meet new people? JERRY I've enough trouble with the people I've already met. EILEEN Oh, there they are. (EILEEN WALKS AHEAD OF JERRY.) (MORE)

JERRY I supposed to bring something? EILEEN You could've. JERRY I met her once. EILEEN It's not necessary. JERRY Then what did you say that for? (THEY APPROACH THE GROUP. THERE FIVE SMALL TABLES PUSHED @ GETS UP FROM THE HEAD OF THE TABLE.) PAMELA Hi. EILEEN Hi. You remember Jerry. PAMELA ‘Yes, we met. JERRY Happy Birthday. (MORE)

PAMELA Thanks. Everybody, this is Jerry, Eileen. (THEY AD LIB HELLOS.) Let's try and squeeze you in here. (JERRY SLIDES IN AGAINST WALL. EILEEN MOVES IN NEXT TO HIM AT THE END. THE GROUP IS SOMEWHAT UNAWARE OF THEM. SUDDENLY THE PIANO PLAYER BLURTS OUT:) PIANO PLAYER Everybody! (AND NO ONE JOINS IN) (JERRY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH A WOMAN, VANESSA, SITTING DIAGONALLY ACROSS.) JERRY (RE: THE PIANO PLAYER) Do you get the feeling he wouldn't make a good general? VANESSA How big ‘a tip you think it would take to get him JERRY I'm in for a five. (EILEEN GETS INVOLVED IN ANOTHER CONVERSATION.) (MORE)

O 10 VANESSA (PICKING UP A BASEBALL CAP) I'11 supply the hat. JERRY (V.0. = RE: VANESSA) Uh-oh. What do we have here? VANESSA Why don't and take your jacket off? | JERRY | I can't. I have a tendency to get chilly. VANESSA How masculine. JERRY Plus, I'm wearing short sleeves. I | don't want to expose my tattoos. | (V.0.) She's unbelievable. (ROGER SITTING NEXT TO VANESSA, INTERRUPTS) ROGER ! Hey, this gquy says he knows Bricker. VANESSA oh you know Bricker? From where? etc., etc. O _ (MORE)

<A> 11 (FADE THEIR CONVERSATION UNDER.) JERRY (V.O.) going on here? Gotta be a boyfriend. She's too good to be alone. What's the difference? I can't maneuver anyway with Eileen next to me. (VANESSA TURNS BACK TO JERRY.) VANESSA How do you know Pamela? JERRY B Friend of a friend. (EILEEN GLANCES OVER SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) And you? | VANESSA We went to Law School together. PAMELA (0.C.) So, Jerry... : JERRY (V.0.) Oh come on, not now. (JERRY TURNS TO PAMELA) PAMELA Eileen tells me you're thinking about getting a bicycle? (MORE)

JERRY (V.O0.) Oh my God. I gotta get out of this. JERRY What? yeah maybe. PAMELA wWhat kind are you thinking about? JERRY (V.0.) This is brutal. JERRY Uh...I don't know. PAMELA | You should get a mountain bike. JERRY (V.0.) Oh please make her stop. JERRY Yeah...a mountain bike. JERRY (V.O.) Can I turn? Can I turn now? Is | ‘this over? No, I can't. I can't . | I'm stuck. EILEEN Pamela, what's the name of that ) jewelry store you took me to that time? (MORE)

13 JERRY (V.O0.) oh, thank God. (JERRY EXITS HIS CONVERSATION AND TURNS BACK TOWARDS VANESSA.) JERRY So, you're a lawyer. VANESSA Sagman, Pennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff. JERRY (V.0.) (QUICKLY MEMORIZING) Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, and Taff. .Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff. JERRY Of course. They handled my tattoo removal lawsuit. VANESSA that was you? JERRY Can you believe it? Spelling "mom" with two "o's"? VANESSA Very funny. What do you do? (MORE)

14 JERRY I'm comedian. JERRY (V.0.) MEMORIZING) Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff. ‘ ROGER (GETS UP) Ready? VANESSA (GETS UP, PUTS BASEBALL CAP ON, TO JERRY:) Bye. (JERRY'S STUNNED. VANESSA HUGS PAMELA GOODBYE.) VANESSA We gotta run. Birthday. Bye everyone. PAMELA Thanks for coming. (MORE)

15 JERRY (V.0.) I don't believe it. I've got nothing. I don't even her name...Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff. INT JERRY'S APT - NIGHT HIS DIMLY LIT WE HEAR THE TV ON IN THE BACKGROUND, AND THEN WE ANGLE ON HIS PARENTS WHO ARE UNDER THE COVERS IN JERRY'S FOLDED OUT SOFA BED, READING AND WATCHING TV.) JERRY This is what I like. See? FATHER There he is. JERRY You come home your parents are in your bed. . MOTHER Jerry you know we don't have to: do this. JERRY what are you talking about? It's fine. I love having you here. (MORE)

16 MOTHER Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel. JERRY Ma, will you stop? MOTHER No, why should we take your bed? JERRY I don't care, I'm sleeping next door. MOTHER Your friend doesn't mind? JERRY No, he doesn't care...Dad, how many people work at a law office? FATHER Depends on the firm. JERRY Yeah, but if you called up and described someone do think they would know who it was? FATHER You need a Who you 1looking for? lawyer? (MORE)

17 JERRY No, no. I met someone at this party and I know where she works but I don't know her name. MOTHER Why don't you ask someone who was at the party? JERRY No, the only one I could ask is Eileen and I can't ask her. FATHER Why not? MOTHER Because he used to go with her. FATHER Which one is she? MOTHER From Queens. The one that brought the chocolate covered cherries you didn't like. FATHER Oh, yeah very alert...warm person. JERRY Yeah, she's great. (MORE)

(<f> 18 MOTHER So how nothing ever materialized there? JERRY I don't know it's a tough thing to talk about. MOTHER I know what it was. JERRY You don't know what it was. MOTHER So what was it? W, JERRY (WITH DIFFICULTY) Well...the physical chemistry wasn't quite right. (A STUNNED SILENCE - EVERYONE IS UNCOMFORTABLE.) MOTBER. (FINALLY) Oh...well I think she's a very attractive girl. JERRY She is...she is. (MORE)

19 MOTHER I could see if she had a weight problem. JERRY Ma, it's more subtle than that. It was lacking passion. MOTHER You know you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect. JERRY I know. I know. (GOING FOR THE JOKE.) Jerry you know it's a good thing I'm not so particular. MOTHER Idiot. (TO JERRY) Who are you looking for, Loren? JERRY That's got nothing to do with it. FATHER What about Loni Anderson? (MORE)

20 JERRY (INCREDULOUS) Loni Anderson? MOTHER Where do you get Loni Anderson? FATHER Why, there's something wrong with her? MOTHER I 1like Eileen more than Loni Anderson. JERRY Look ‘forget Eileen. She just wasn't the one. MOTHER " And this other one's the one? JERRY I don't know, maybe. ask Eileen there for the number. JERRY I can't. She'll get upset. I never discuss other girls with her. (MORE)

— 21 MOTHER How could you still see her if you're not interested? JERRY I don't know. We're friends. MOTHER I don't get it. FATHER Jerry, where this other one works? JERRY Yeah. FATHER So go up to the office. MOTHER Up to her office? FATHER To the building. She doesn't she? JERRY I guess. (MORE)

22 : FATHER - So you stand in the lobby by the elevator. You wait till she comes down for lunch. MOTHER Oh, Leon that's ridiculous. Just ask Eileen for the number. FATHER He doesn't want to ask Eileen! MOTHER So, he's going to stand by the elevators like an idiot. And what happens when he sees her? FATHER He pretends he just bumped into her. JERRY You know .what? This is not a bad idea. See that? JERRY Not a bad idea. (END OF ACT I) (MORE)

23 ACT II INT. OFFICE BUILDING TOBBY -DAY (ANGLE ON A CLOSED ELEVATOR DOOR. AFTER A FEW BEATS THE DOOR OPENS AND A LUNCH THRONG POURS OUT. THEN ANGLE ON JERRY AND GEORGE WATCHING INTENTLY.) GEORGE What does she look like? JERRY I don't know. It's hard to describe. GEORGE Well, what actress does she remind you of? JERRY Loni Anderson. GEORGE Loni Anderson? JERRY - You'don't :like Anderson? (GEORGE IS MOMENTARILY SPEECHLESS) JERRY Hey listen. Thanks again for running over here. (MORE)

(A BEAT) 24 GEORGE What do I care? I'm a block away...Besides, you think I want to miss this? JERRY I'm a little nervous. GEORGE Me too, JERRY If I see her, how do I explain what I'm doing here in the building? GEORGE Say you're with me. I work in the building. JERRY What do you do? GEORGE I'm a...an architect. JERRY You're an. architect? GEORGE I'm not? (MORE)

25 JERRY Mm, no. I don't see architecture coming from you. GEORGE Oh, I suppose you could be an architect. JERRY I never said I was an architect... Something else. GEORGE She's not even gonna ask. Even if we see her, which is remote. JERRY Well, what do you want me to say? I just wandered in? GEORGE Okay. We're here because we've got a friend in the building. We're having lunch with him. JERRY What's his name? GEORGE His name? His name is...Burt...Har... bin..son. Burt Harbinson. (MORE)

JERRY Burt Harbinson. Sounds made up. GEORGE No good? OK ...Art...Core. JERRY Art Core. GEORGE Core...velay. JERRY Corevelay? Art Corevelay. GEORGE Right. JERRY What does he do? GEORGE He's an importer. JERRY Just importers? No exports? GEORGE OK, he's an importer/exporter. (ANGLE ON ELEVATOR. MORE OFFICE WORKERS EXIT.) (MORE) 26

27 GEORGE So, I don't understand. You never talk about other women with Eileen? JERRY Never. GEORGE I don't know how you do it. That's 80% of my conversation. That's why dates are so difficult, because I can never talk the date about the problems I'm having with women. = And relationships are no better, because then I'm not having any problems with women and I have nothing to talk about. And then not having anything to talk about becomes a problem but I don't talk about it. ‘Except when I'm with other people- then, ‘all I talk about is her and how we have absolutely nothing to talk about. JERRY pid you ever think about killing yourself? (MORE)

(O 28 GEORGE I don't want to talk about it. JERRY ...Wait a second. That's her. GEORGE (PANICKING) Who am I again? I forgot who I am. JERRY ‘You're you. - We're having lunch with Art Corevelay. GEORGE Vandelay. ) No, Corevelay. The import/export guy. | GEORGE Let me be the architect. I can do it. (AS VANESSA PASSES) JERRY Hey, hey. (VANESSA TURNS, LOOKS QUIZZICALLY AT JERRY.) (MORE)

JERRY I met you the other night. birthday party. Jerry. VANESSA Sure, hi. JERRY This is George... (REACHING FOR HER NAME:) (SHE I'm sorry. VANESSA Vanessa. GEORGE Nice to meet you. JERRY Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, and Taff. VANESSA LAUGHS) Right. What are you doing JERRY 29 Pamela's Oppenheim here? We're meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here. VANESSA Oh really. Which company? (MORE)

30 JERRY I don't know. He's an importer. VANESSA Importer? GEORGE And exporter. JERRY He's an importer/exporter. GEORGE I'm an architect. VANESSA oh really? What do you design? GEORGE Railroads. VANESSA I thought engineers do that. GEORGE They can. - JERRY I'm sorry you left so early the other night. VANESSA Me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston. (MORE)

31 JERRY oOh, that guy was your cousin? VANESSA Yeah, he's very obnoxious. GEORGE I'm gonna get a paper. (THEY WATCH GEORGE LEAVE, THEN:) JERRY So...do you date immature men? NT. JERRY'S APT. (JERRY IS PLAYING SCRABBLE WITH HIS MOTHER WHILE HIS FATHER IS SITTING ON A CHAIR REPAIRING A PAIR OF SHOES.) JERRY I called your boss a cheapskate? FATHER You don't remember? JERRY How old was I? FATHER You were 10. You told him to give me more money. (MORE)

(JERRY NOTICES LOOKING IN THE (SHE CONTINUES JERRY I was very dissatisfied toys. HIS MOTHER DICTIONARY.) JERRY What are you doing? MOTHER Wait, I just want to see something. JERRY See what? You can't look in there. We're playing. LOOKING.) JERRY Ma. MOTHER Quo. . Is that a word? JERRY Maybe. MOTHER Will you challenge it? (MORE) with my

33 JERRY You just can't look up words in the dictionary...Dad she cheats. MOTHER Leon...is quo a word? JERRY He can't tell you. MOTHER You're such a stickler. JERRY Put something down. Twenty minutes you're taking on this. MOTHER (PEERING OVER HER 1/2 MOON GLASSES) Call Eileen. She wants to know what time we're picking her up for the wedding. JERRY When she call? : MOTHER I think it was...Leon when did Eileen call? LEON Eileen? (MORE)

| L 34 MOTHER going to the wedding. LEON I don't know. -Whenever it was. MOTHER She you to call her back. JERRY I really feel silly now about that whole elevator thing. I should have just asked Eileen. MOTHER I told you. (NODDING TO LEON) You listen to hinm. LEON What do you want from me? JERRY (TO MOTHER) Are we playing? MOTHER Just a second. (MORE)

35 JERRY I gotta talk to her. This is ridiculous. Either we're friends or we're not friends. FATHER I never had any women my day, if you were with a woman, people just assumed that you were together. MOTHER It was different then. Now they go out - it doesn't work out they stay together. 1It's very nice. FATHER Stay together for what? The physical part is over. What are they hanging around for? JERRY One is hoping the other one will change their mind - and the other one is hoping the first one will change their personality. (MORE)

(TO MOTHER, RE: SCRABBLE) I'm quitting. ' MOTHER I have a word. (SHE PLACES LETTERS ON THE BOARD) JERRY Quo? MOTHER (ADDING UP) 30, 31, 32. JERRY 36 "Quo". I'm gonna have to challenge that. MOTHER You don't have to challenge. word. JERRY I'm challenging. (JERRY GRABS THE DICTIONARY) MOTHER I'm you anymore. FATHER Quo's not a word. (MORE) It's a

37 JERRY (FINDING IT) No good. Sorry, get it off. MOTHER I take it back. 1I'll make another one. FATHER (HIS TASK COMPLETED - HE HOLDS UP THE SHOES) Here, better than new. Now you can dance at the wedding. JERRY I can't wait. T. CATERING HAL (A WEDDING IS IN PROGRESS. IN THE BACKGROUND WE HEAR THE BAND AND THE INANE PATTER OF THE BAND-LEADER. JERRY AND- EILEEN ARE SEATED AT A ROUND TABLE WITH 4 OTHER COUPLES OF APPROXIMATELY THE SAME AGE.) ARTHUR (TO JERRY) You want to get some funny material you ought to come down to where I work. There's a sit-com. (MORE)

(JERRY'S UNCLE 38 JERRY Why does everyone think where they work is the most hilariously colorful assortment of personalities that's ever been assembled? COMES OVER) UNCLE Watch what you say to this guy. He'll put it in his next act. JERRY Uncle Sid, this is a friend of mine, Eileen. EILEEN Hello, nice to meet you. UNCLE SID (KIDDING, TO JERRY ABOUT EILEEN) (EILEEN SMILES. Oh, he really knows how to pick em, this guy. ..A SLOW SONG BEGINS) BANDLEADER (V.0.) And now would you please join Alicia and Robert on the dance floor. For every couple up here is 10 years of happiness. (MORE)

J 39 UNCLE SID I gotta go find my daughter. WOMAN C'mon Artie, lets dance... (EVERYBODY AT THE TABLE GETS UP EXCEPT JERRY, EILEEN, AND ONE OTHER COUPLE.) JERRY How are you holding up? EILEEN Not bad. I like your cousin. JERRY So let me ask you, what do you think of our friendship? EILEEN What do I think of our friendship? It's OK. Why, what do you think of our friendship? JERRY I think it's good. EILEEN Where did this come from? JERRY you ever think it's strange that we never discuss the opposite sex? (MORE) .

40 EILEEN Well, it's not strange for me. I don't have much to discuss. Why? Someone you want to talk about? JERRY No, but like the other night, for example, when we were at that party. EILEEN Oh, that woman. I knew you 1liked that woman. JERRY Really? How did you know? EILEEN How did I know? C'mon. It's so obvious. I heard all your 1little jokes. It was sickening...So what about her? JERRY I felt uncomfortable asking you to help me get her phone number. EILEEN You could have asked me. I would have gotten you her number. (MORE)

(A BEAT) 41 JERRY You would have? EILEEN I wouldn't have been happy about it. JERRY ...This is a strange want you to be happy and you wish me nothing but the worst. EILEEN I want you to be happy, just not toco happy...You want me to call Pamela? I can get the number right now. JERRY No, I'm just saying if at some future theoretical time... EILEEN You know it's funny because I to Pamela and she said the of you were going out next week. JERRY oh, well, I sort of bumped into her in the lobby of her office building. (MORE)

42 EILEEN what were you doing there? JERRY I was going to see Art Vandelay. EILEEN Who? (JERRY'S PARENTS STOP BY) FATHER So how come you're not dancing? JERRY I'm the band to take a break. MOTHER Eileen, you don't dance? EILEEN only the tango. MOTHER Come on Jerry. Dance with me. JERRY MOTHER (INSISTING) Dance with me. (MORE)

43 JERRY Ma, I'm a comedian. I don't dance. MOTHER Come on. (JERRY GETS UP TO DANCE WITH HIS MOTHER.) FATHER (TO EILEEN) Let's go kid. (ANGLE ON JERRY AND HIS MOTHER DANCING.) MOTHER so? JERRY What? MOTHER I saw you talking over there. JERRY Yeah...I guess I could've asked her for that girl's number, but I still wouldn't. MOTHER She'll meet she'll forget about you in 2 seconds. (MORE)

) 44 (A BEAT) JERRY Two? (THE SONG BANDLEADER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, please find your seats so we can present the specialty of the Chateau Elegante: The Flaming Jubilees. (THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND THE "ROCKY" THEME STARTS. THEN A MAN WHEELS A CART IN, AND WITH GREAT FLOURISH, HE POURS LIQUOR ON THE TOP AND . LIGHTS THE FLAMBE AS WE:) CUT TO: (JERRY ONSTAGE) JERRY (MONOLOGUE TO COME) i