THIRTY SOMETHING Written by Marshall Herskovitz and Edward Prod. #1480 FIRST DRAFT November 10, 1986 FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY

ACT ONE FADE IN: A BLACK SCREEN We HEAR two PEOPLE GIGGLING, trying to be quiet. WOMAN (V.O.) There's not enough time-- MAN (V.0.) shhh, there is time-- BEGIN TITLES OVER: WOMAN (V.0.) Wait -- I heard her-- MAN (V.0.) You did not hear her. " WOMAN (V.0.) Shhh! Silence. They're listening. Then: WOMAN (V.0.) You're right, I didn't hear her... sound of a ZIPPER. He starts to laugh appreciatively. QUICK CUT: A RESTAURANT -- where WE NOW CAN SEE these two people -- though what we're seeing took place several years ago. He's MICHAEL STEADMAN, twenty-nine here, Jewish, intense, funny. She's HOPE MURDOCH, twenty-eight, Episcopalian, intense, funny. This is their first date, intense, funny. MICHAEL what the other person does, that takes three minutes. HOPE Then who do we both know and where do you live, that's another four. MICHAEL Which exhausts all possible human conversation and the salad hasn't even come yet... and two (MORE)

MICHAEL (cont.) hours later you're dropping her off and the guy is thinking should I kiss her -- maybe I should've already kissed her -- and she's thinking I hope he doesn't kiss me-- HOPE --or else why doesn't he kiss me am I too fat? MICHAEL So, what, he kisses her? Okay, best case, she likes it, which means... sometime in the next three weeks they.... HOPE Do the terrible deed--? MICHAEL Right, so best case, they're still speaking to each other the next morning... Then two months later liviag together...? HOPE Which means she waats to Jet married and he's-- HOPE MICHAEL --afraid to commit. --afraid to commit. MICHAEL And so they get married. And three kids later they're both having affairs and they get divorced. HOPE And their friends, who fixed them up in the first place, tell them they knew it would never work. MICHAEL Which is why I never do this. HOPE Me neither.....

3. They eye each other -- embarrassed, interested, skeptical. MICHAEL So...how do you know Ellyn? BACK TO: BLACK SCREEN (CREDITS CONTINUE OVER) The two people are moving to the bed. MAN (V.0.) (bumps himself) Oowwwww. I'mturning on the light. WOMAN (V.0.) NO =-- you'll wake her. MAN (V.O0.) Then close the door-- WOMAN (V.0.) Then how would we hear her? (bumps herself) Oowwwww. He starts to laugh. QUICK CUT: A NEIGHBORHOOD BAR where Hope and her best friend, ELLYN, sip drinks as various MEN cruise themn. HOPE ~-Not so well. Ellyn, I don't know. He's really funny, he makes me laugh--- ELLYN That's worth something... HOPE And it's true, he is this basically very nice person. ELLYN But... HOPE It's the unknowability of people. We get to be our age and we're so set in our ways. Last night the argument was about where you sit in a movie theatre... (MORE)

HOPE (cont.) (on Ellyn's look) He wears polyester shirts. Am I supposed to have a relationship with somebody who wears polyester shirts...? , ELLYN They're not even blends? (on Hope's look) Can we get down to real issue here? HOPE I don't know, sex is.... (muses) actually pretty not too bad. ELLYN So he's really funny, he's really nice and he's great in bed. (shakes her head) You're right. Forget it. . BACK TO BLACK SCREEN (CREDITS CONTINUE OVER) The two people can be heard getting undressed.: MAN (V.0.) What is this? WOMAN (V.0.) What is what? MAN (V.0.) There's no thing. WOMAN (V.0.) It unhooks in the front. MAN (V.0.) What are you trying to do, spoil my technique? WOMAN (V.0.) All that practice in high school gone to waste... QUICK CUT:

OUTSIDE A COUNTRY CHAPEL where Michael is urgently prodding his best friend, GARY. Both wear dark suits. MICHAEL You have to go through with this, everybedy's in there waiting for GARY You don't realize what a step this is for me, I've never even attended a wedding before. MICHAEL If you wimp out now, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. GARY But maybe this is wrong, maybe we're all making a terrible mistake. It's not too late to stop it! Michael pulls him up the steps. MICHAEL (sooothingly) Now we're going in there and taking up our positions just like we did in rehearsal. I'll be right there next to you-- And when the Rabbi and the Minister ask you-- HE OPENS THE DOOR revealing a chapel full of people, waiting. And Hope, resplendent in a wedding dress. MICHAEL --all you do is hand me the ring. You can do it, Gar, that's why you're my Best Man. Michael touches Hope's arm in passing and starts down the aisle. BACK TO:

BLACK SCREEN (CREDITS CONTINUE OVER) Things are continuing. MICHAEL(V.O.) What's that? HOPE (V.0.) It's my foot, what did you think it was? MICHAEL (V.O.) I thought it was an animal. HOPE (V.0.) An animal? MICHAEL (V.O.) You know, like a squirrel or something, a turtle. HOPE (V.0.) You are so seriously deranged. Oowwwww. What are you doing? MICHAEL (V.O.) It seems weird that I can't feel anything when I touch it. been around this foot so long it feels like it should be mine. HOPE (V.0.) (after a pause) I can feel it... QUICK CUT: AN EMPTY LIVING ROOM =~ Empty except for stacked cartons and other evidence of recent moving-in. Michael and Hope -- languorous, drifting back to sleep -- are in a sleeping bag in the middle of the floor. MICHAEL Get me food. HOPE Get me food. MICHAEL Please. HOPE Okay, I'm getting up, uuhhhaaahhh, I'm walking now, here I go. I'm entering the kitchen.

MICHAEL Would you mind remodeling it while you're in there? HOPE A new stove...and a dishwasher! Elves came in the night and rewired our electricity. MICHAEL Did they leave a microwave? HOPE A very big microwave. They continue to just lie there. HOPE Why do I have to go to the bathroom? MICHAEL oh, boy, get me food. BACK TO: BLACK SCRE%N (CREDITS CONTINUE OVER) have gotten a little more serious here in the dark. The sound of kissing. WOMAN (V.0.) I really miss you. Don't you kind of like this in the dark? MAN (V.O.) Mmmmnnn. WOMAN (V.0.) I really like this. (silence) Mike? Are you okay? MAN (V.0.) I love you. A long silence. WOMAN (V.0.) We're so lucky. QUICK CUT:

A DEMENTED-LOOKING SALESMAN in the middle of his spiel. SALESMAN You wanna talk construction? How about aircraft aluminum, how about -- feel the rubber in these tires-- We PAN over to reveal the object of his pitch. A BABY STROLLER: Aprica's newest model, we wouldn't be surprised to find a twelve cylinder engine under the canopy. PAN further to discover MICHAEL, who stares in disbelief: MICHAEL Three hundred and sixty-four dollars...for a stroller? (looks around) Hope? PAN still further to discover an extremely pregnant Hope, bent double over the highchairs, doing Lamaze breathing. HOPE Hee-hee-hee-hee-- . BACK TO: BLACK SCREEN (FINAL CREDITS OVER) The SOUND of heavy breathing, not unlike that of the cut before. Things here are nearing their proper conclusion. HOPE (V.0.) Yes, yes, ooh, yes, don't stop-- MICHAEL (V.O.) Honey, oh HOPE (V.O0.) wWait. (he doesn't) Waitwaitwait -- STOP. MICHAEL (V.O.) Why are you stopping--? (silence, then:) Oh, No..... Now we HEAR IT. In another room, a BABY is starting to CRY. MICHAEL (V.O.) It's not bad yet -- she'll go back to sleep.

HOPE (V.0.) Right. Let's hurry. The lovemaking continues. Then the CRYING turns into a WAIL. We hear a dual sigh. A LIGHT GOES ON and WE SEE them now: MICHAEL and HOPE, in the present tense. He's still got his hand on the lamp his eyes closed in frustration. She starts to get up. HOPE (kisses his head) How silly we be. CUT TO: A NICE KITCHEN It was nice, but now it's a total wreck. And past the undone dishes and yesterday's food and spilled dog kibble and unraveled paper towels -- WE SEE the reason for the wreck: JANE STEADMAN, aged five months... She's sitting in her high-chair, watching what could be a ping-pong game, but what is in actuality her PARENTS simply trying to get through the moruing. Hope is attempting to feed her while on the phone; Michael is naking his breakfast. HOPE (into the phone) He did not say that........... Melissa--! MICHAEL No Rice Chex--? HOPE (into the phone) You call him right back-- MICHAEL I thought we had Rice Chex. HOPE (to Michael) Honey, there's no Rice Chex, I'm sorry, I didn't get to the store. (to the baby) Julesetta, please eat this-- MICHAEL (real grief:to the baby) No Rice Chex, Ninsky, what am I going to do?

HOPE (into the phone) Are you kidding, I can't eat any cereal........... Because I'm fat. MICHAEL You're not fat. HOPE (into the phone) I keep promising Michael I'll go to the gym, but it's so hard. aICHAEL Will you stop it with the gym-- (locking in refrigerator) Now where's che milk?! J0PE Honey, I'm -:.:ally sorry, there's no milk rhe phone) { can go gym, it won't me. % (CHAEL Go if it you feel better. (iuto the phone) He says he doesn't but he does. MICHAEL I don't think you're fat! HOPE But you think I could lose some weight? MICHAEL (closing his eyes) I refuse to get in trouble for things that I'm not even thinking but may or may not have worried that I might think at some earlier time and felt guilty about and therefore might show on my face even though I DON'T THINK YOU'RE FAT. HOPE (into the phone) He thinks I'm fat. 10.

11. Michael throws up his hands and goes back to the refrigerator. MICHAEL How would Raisin Bran taste with formula...? CUT TO: MICHAEL'S OFFICE Michael on the phone, pacing. ELLIOT, his partner, sits on the sofa, listening and making appropriate faces. Gathered in the doorway, several CO-WORKERS conspicuously eavesdrop. MICHAEL --All right, you know what, forget it... No, just forget it. (listens a moment) Because it's sleazy, Mr. Teller, hasn't that occured to you...? No, no, you miss my point. I love their campaign, but it's their campaign. You don't rip off somebody else's campaign-- (listens again) Mr. Teller, I don't care what their sales were afterwards, it's plagiarism! Elliot, meanwhile, pulls a pillow over his head and begins to hum in order not to hear what is about to transpire. MICHAEL Oh yeah...? Well, one of the priveleges of being "a bunch of amateurs", is we still have the illusion of doing our own work and having a little integrity which I now see any further association with your business -- or in Zact you personally -- would make me sick to my stomach and throw up...! Michael hangs up and notices his co-workers gaping in astonishment. MICHAEL ...What? We're not allowed to have principles around here? We'll find other business, there're other accounts out there... C'mon, let's get back to work, Jeannine, shut the door on your way out...

He waits until they have gone, then takes the phone cord, wraps it around his neck, and falls across his desk. MICHAEL Aaaahhhggghhh... Elliot walks over and picks up the phone dangling from Michael's neck. ELLIOT Mr. Teller? Hi, Mike's partner Elliot. Uh, Mike's had an unfortunate accident and he's dead, and I just wanted to tell you how much I like the idea of stealing a Clio Award-winning campaign and especially how much I like the idea of two hundred thousand dollars because without that two hundred thousand dollars our company is going out of business and my partner forgot that and that's why he's dead. MICHAEL . Why didn't you stop This is your fault. I'm yoing to lose my house, my wife is going to leave me, my kid will be expelled from daycare. ELLIOT Your kid? I have two kids. MICHAEL I can't take this, I never respond well to pressure, that's why we left Bernstein-Fox in the first place. ELLIOT I thought it was because you don't respond well to authority. MICHAEL That, too. (jumps up suddenly) I CAN'T TAKE THIS! TOO YOUNG TO RUN A BUSINESS, YOU HAVE TO BE GROWN UP TO RUN A BUSINESS. back down) I got two hours and forty-five minutes of sleep last night.

13. ELLIOT (looks at him) You'll get used to it. MICHAEL Do you get used to, like, having no REM periods, like North Korean brainwashing camps where they wake you up as soon as you start to dream? ELLIOT She doesn't sleep through the night yet? Michael gets up and starts to pace. MICHAEL She wakes up, she cries, I wake up. She goes back to sleep, I'm awake. And the thing is, T love her so much. I go in there sometimes, literally I am going to strangle her, ancd there she is, "Hi, paddy, louk at this . smile I huve y™¢ Aren't I cute? Don-c y»u guilty for thinking bad : about me?” Elliot now lies down on the desk beside Michael. £LLIOT Wait'll it's cwo kids. MICHAEL Did I just make the dumbest mistake of our lives...? ELLIOT Yes. MICHAEL What would you have done? ELLIOT (thinks) ...The same thing.

14. GUMBY PLACEMATS or SNOOPY PLACEMATS That is the question... Hope is looking between them, unconsciously rocking the baby on her hip, oblivious to the SHOPPERS around her in the DEPARTMENT STORE. HOPE Is he waving at you? Is gumby nice, is he waving at you, ' Buber? Look at Snoopy, he's a doggy, do you see the doggy, look at the doggy, honey. Do you want doggy or gumby, Mommy wants doggy because gumby is weird, Mommy didn't like things like gumby when she was little . - because clay wasn't supposed to move. She looks up. A SALESMAN is staring at her... CUT TO: A RESTAURANT Crowded and loud with people hurrying Hope is trying to deposit some of her paraphernalia while she apologizes. HOPE I was right across the street, I don't know what happened, I was early, and then I saw these incredibly cute socks and all of-- Her smiling friend is ELLYN GRALNICK, Hope's best friend for twenty years. ELLYN Hope. Sit. Hope is trying. After the diaper bag, the Snuggly, then the bottle out of the diaper bag, then the baby in the stroller, now the baby is crying in the stroller. WAITRESS Can I get you something to drink? Hope looks from the baby to the waitress. HOPE Uh, not right now. Thanks.

15. People are looking as Hope picks up the baby and tries to simulate a normal person looking at a menu, but can't hold the menu if she's going to give a bottle to the baby, which is the only thing that will make the baby stop crying... ELLYN I am s0 tired. We're in the office 'til ten every night now. Look at these bags under my eyes. Hope stares at her, dumbfounded: Ellvn is tired...? ELLYN You know how many people are under me, are you ready for weirdness? Twenty-seven. HOPE You're kidding me. Hope has to stand up to try to get the baby to stop crying. ELLYN She's okay? (Hope nods) She's so cute. All of a sudden Gannon thinks I'm God's gift to health planning. HOPE How's your stomach been? ELLYN (laughs) Terrible. Really, it's total stress. Total stress. I told him I'm quitting in six months. I cannot take this kind of...politics, maneuvering, it's all maneuvering. HOPE You should quit. ELLYN I am gonna quit. HOPE There are so many other things you can do. (to the baby) What is it, Nanie? Why don't you take the bottle? (MORE)

16. HOPE (cont.) (to Ellyn) We're trying pre-weaning, we're trying the concept of maybe, sometimes, drinking from a bottle instead of Mommy. Ellyn smiles and watches Hope struggle with the baby for a moment. ELLYN You know what I've been thinking about lately? I'd like to open some kind of store, like a bicycle store, something like that. I imagine that would be a quieter existence. Hope gives up; she sits down and unbuttons her blouse. HOPE i I think it would end up being the bicycle rat race. ELLYN You think it's me. HOPE I think you don't know how to take it easy. Amazingly, the baby is still crying. HOPE I don't know what's going on here. Buber, are you okay? Please stop crying... (to Ellyn) It's so embarrassing. Ellyn shakes her head, dismisses the notion. ELLYN Maybe if I take a year off, and try to make myself more available to life... Hope puts her head down, covers her eyes for a moment. HOPE I'm really sorry, I'm gonna have ‘to take her home. I don't know what this is.

ELLYN (trying to cover annoyance) You don't think it'll just stop? HOPE Ellyn, it's not gonna just stop. I'm sorry. I've been looking forward to this, to being a grownup for one hour. ELLYN (indicates the other patrons) You know it's none of their business if the baby's crying... HOPE It's not them! Something's bothering her, I can't just ignore it. ELLYN Okay. Look, you go, we'll just do this again, next week or something. Maybe you can even get a sitter. HOPE Right, I'm sorry, really. I'll call you comorrow, sweetie. God, I really miss you. ELLYN I miss you too. Go, it's okay, I'1l take care of this. Hope, all her equipment gathered, pushes off. who sits for a moment trying to concentrate on the menu, but is finally too annoyed to continue. MICHAEL AND HOPE'S LIVING ROOM ) 17. Leaving Ellyn, CUT TO: As Michael walks in to find Hope sitting there with another friend, GARY. MICHAEL Uh, oh, look who's here. What are you doing here? GARY I'm making a play for your wife, what does it look like I'm doing? MICHAEL Making a play for my wife.

18. GARY I am making a play for your wife. MICHAEL Take my wife. GARY I am taking your wife. Michael kisses Hope. HOFE Who's dealing with dinner because I'm not dealing with it. MICHAEL Are you staying for dinner? GARY Are you? MICHAEL Where's Jazooki? HOPE Asleep. MICHAEL Is she supposed to be asleep now? HOPE If you wake her up, I will slit your throat. MICHAEL But won't she be awake later? HOPE Then we'ls deal with it later. GARY Listen to you people, this is disgusting, should she be asleep, should she be awake? What is she, a showdog? Lighten up here. MICHAEL What do you know? GARY I was a baby once. HOPE Once?

They laugh, somehow because ghe said it. The front door GARY Hey, I'm not wimped out like you people. There's gotta be more to life than getting a baby to sleep. What are you, joined at the hip? is opening. HOPE Just the breast, GARY Och, don't say that word. 19. Another friend, MELISSA, bursts into the living room. Melissa, whose life, were it read, would satisfy even the most ardent admirer of soap operas... She is heading IN THE KITCHEN MELISSA (to Hope) Thank God you're here. MICHAEL I feel the same way. MELISSA You won't believe this. I have to get something to eat first. for the kitchen. MICHAEL Hello, Melissa... MELISSA I hate you, you have a male appendage. GARY Have you checked recently, I wouldn't be too sure. Melissa is rummaging through the refrigerator. HOPE What happened? Hope catches up.

20. MELISSA He went to New York last weekend? His mother was sick? Guess who he slept with? GARY His mother. MELISSA Darlene MacKinnon. HOPE (mouth opening) You introduced him to Darlene MacKinnon. MELISSA I introduced him to Darlene MacKinnon because he desperately needed background on the redevelopment plan for Brooklyn Heights. Can you believe he then slept with her? HOPE . It doesn't matter who he slept with, he shouldn't have been sleeping with anybody. MELISSA It matters to me who he slept with -- I was doing him a favor, let him pick up his own floozies. HOPE Melissa, he's supposed to be in love with you, it doesn't matter whe he sleeps with, he shouldn't be doing it at all. MELISSA Will you let me be mad at what I want to be mad at. I'm not up to being mad at him for sleeping with anybody. I want to exhaust being mad at him for sleeping with Darlene MacKinnon. The bitch. HOPE I thought you liked her. No answer is necessary. Gary enters the kitchen and puts a playful arm around Melissa's throat.

GARY Know what you need? A change of venue. Let's go backpacking. MELISSA What a great idea... GARY We'll go backpacking, you'll forget about this sleazebag, you'll see the error of your ways... HOPE I can't believe he's even saying the word backpack. GARY It wasn't so bad. MICHAEL No worse than the Donner party. MELISSA Wait a minute, it wasn't so bad. 30 and [ argued a little. - AICHAEL ; tried to stab him with a tent pole-- MELISSA He deserved it, he was breaking up with me. GARY You were breaking up with me. MELISSA But we're past that now, aren't we, adorableness? GARY Absolutely, honey-lips. MELISSA I think this is a great idea. Look at you quys, you're so tired, you need a break, come on, we'll all go backpacking. HOPE I don't think we can take the baby backpacking, can we? 21.

GARY Who said anything about the baby? Just the four of us, like before, only fun. MICHAEL Who would we leave her with? HOPE It's not like I can leave her with my parents. GARY Find a babysitter. She's not gonna be traumatized. HOPE We will. MICHAEL Guys, I don't know.... GARY Come on, this is your chance for fun and adventure, rekindle that romance you once knew. Don't be winmps. . HOPE Stop it, I hate that word. We have responsibilities, that's all. How's that for a word? Because they really are friends, Gary backs off. GARY Re-- re-- resp--- respo--- Everyone laughs. CUT TO: THE BABY, IN HER CRIB A sleeping angel. Michael and Hope lean over the bumpers, watching her. HOPE (almost painful) She's so pretty. MICHAEL I know. (they watch) What if she grows up ugly? 22.

IN THE BEDROOM HOPE I think about that too. MICHAEL I guess she'll deal with it. 'Course you're not ugly, that helps. BOPE (kisses him) Thanks... Michael falls on the bed. MICHAEL I am so0 tired. So completely, overwhelmingly, utterly, totally, unbelievably.... Ucchhh.... (imitating his mother) Miiiikke... Did you do your homework, Mike? Mike? Ts your business going bankrupt? Your brother's business isn't going bankrupt. . You're not goinyg bankrup:. MICHAEL You don't know what I did today. She puts her forehead against the wall... N MICHAEL I self-destructed us, start packing, the movers are coming tomorrow. I blew off the Teller account. HOPE Good, I'm proud of you. Teller's a yutz. (on his look) You said you don't want to compromise, so don't. MICHAEL Thank you. How old do we have to be before Janey can support us...? Hope starts to unbutton her blouse. 23.

24. HOPE Ellyn, meanwhile, is totally strange. "There's no screaming child here that everyone in the entire restaurant is staring at." didn't even want to hold her... MICHAEL Why don't you talk to her about it? HOPE How can I talk to her about it? Michael watches her as the blouse comes off. MICHAEL She's been your friend for 47 years, just tell her you're upset about how she's been acting. HOPE Ellyn and I don't deal with that way. 4ICHAEL £llyn and you don't deal with each -cher. HOPE Thank you. MICHAEL I'm sorry. She is taking off her pants. He is no longer tired. He puts his hand on her back. MICHAEL Let's go backpacking. HOPE Michael-- MICHAEL We're allowed to have a life, aren't we...? There's nothing wrong with spending one night away from your kid after six months. She goes to get a nightgown.

25. HOPE (at a loss) What am I going to do, interview babysitters, how do you interview babysitters? MICHAEL You interview them. He watches as she pulls the nightgown over her head. She has curled HOPE "Do you know how to handle a genius, are you totally kind and wonderful and patient and have there been any child molesters in your family for the last twelve generations?" MICHAEL (quasi-casual) So, you're tired...? HOPE (doing it:) I just want to get in bed and sink down and ochhhhh..... up around her pillow. With her eyes closed: HOPE You're not tired. MICHAEL No, I'm kind of keyed up, I don't know. Don't worry about it. She uses her last ounce of energy to move six inches to kiss his shoulder. She's asleep. HOPE (mumbling) I'11 think about babysitters tomorrow, if I think about babysitters today go crazy. After all, tomorrow is another day. He's not. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE

FADE IN: A DINNER TABLE ACT TWO 26. At Elliot and Nancy's house. Everyone is eating chicken and salad. Hope is trying to have a conversation with NANCY, Elliot's wife. She's lovely, a year or two older than Hope, and has the beatific look of somecne on Thorazine; this is an illusion, however she's merely exhausted and wishes she was on Thorazine. wWhy...? She has two kids. BRITTANY, the eighteen month-old, is in her high chair, food all over her face. ETHAN, an intense four year-old, is next to her, attacking her with Masters of the Universe figures. Janey sits in a sassy-seat, observing the tumult. NANCY I know. I entrolled Ethan in nursery school when he was one and they laughed at-- (grabs his hand) Ethan... ETHAN... Not so rough around your sister. HOPE You're kidding me. NANCY If you're talking about pre-school, you should have done it in utero. (grabs him again) ETHAN, are we going to have to have another talk about this...? HOPE What is this epidemic of kids lately...? And then I think, what are we getting them into anyway? Don't you just wonder what they're going to face, how the world's going to be totally different, are they going to hate us? MICHAEL That covers third quarter overhead, I don't know what we do then... ELLIOT Go back to Teller and beg his forgiveness... MICHAEL Not...in...a...million years. I'd get on my knees at a bank first. ELLIOT I went to Wisconsin with a guy at First Federal, he used to be a freak, I have pictures of him dancing naked at Woodstock, we could blackmail him. MICHAEL I was supposed to go to Woodstock but I got tonsilitis and my girlfriend decided to go anyway because we were s0 free and of course she met this other guy and eventually married hinm, but they're divorced now s0 I feel better. Ethan KNOCKS Brittany's milk cup out of her hands. It goes

27. flying onto the dinner table, spewing milk in several directions, flooding Hope's plate. Nancy doesn't miss a beat, just starts cleaning it up. NANCY he spill your milk, honey? Mommy'll get you more. (to steve) Honey, canyou take him for a while? ELLIOT Young man, what did I tell you about bothering your sister? Nancy leaves the table with Brittany, Elliot leaves the table with Ethan. Hope and Michael are left alone together. HOPE oh, hi... Still here? I thought you two had retired to the drawing room for brandy and cigars. MICHAEL We're just dealing with wan stuff here and don't you wor.y your pretty little head avout it. HOPE You guys get to play with each other all day and talk about work, couldn't we just be people at dinner? ETHAN has squirmed out of his father's grasp and careens back into the room. He dumps DISGUSTING GOOP all over Michael. ETHAN I dropped you in the Slime Pit. Now you're eaten straight through to your bones. CUT TO: THE CAR - LATER As Hope and Michael settle into their seats, Jane asleep in the back. They sit there as if frozen in shock. HOPE ...It wasn't that bad. MICHAEL It was worse.

28. HOPE Stop it. MICHAEL Is that us in three years...? HOPE (giving in) She didn't finish one sentence the entire night. MICHAEL Why do houses with kids have to be sticky...? HOPE What are we going to do? MICHAEL Exploit the downtrodden working class. Get help. HIRE... A... BABYSITTER. CUT TO: THE GREEN AND PURPLE SPIKED HAIRCUT of a heavy-metal groupie, now lounging on Hope's sofa. GROUPIE --like once with my baby brother, I once dropped him, I like dropped him, it was sort of the second story but it wasn't that high-- and like he was okay because, you know, babies' bones are really soft, its' so cool. HOPE sits across from her, open-mouthed, trying to restrain herself from chasing this alien out of the house with a broom. CUT TO: HOPE'S BEDROOM - LATER Ellyn, dressed in a striking business suit, busily picking up clothes and toys, straightening the quilt and pillows. Meanwhile, off-camera, THE DOORBELL IS RINGING. ELLYN You can't just leave them standing out there. HOPE Yes, I can, then they'll go away.

2 29. WE DISCOVER Hope, curled up in the corner, her arms over her head. Ellyn comes to kneel beside her, absentmindedly brushing off a fuzzball of doghair that clings to her wool skirt. ELLYN Hopey, these people can f£ind other jobs, if you start being guilted out about each one you'll be a basket case. HOPE Too late. (on Ellyn's look) Meanwhile, do you remember what we used to do, do you remember what you fed little Joey Jacobs to make him sick so his parents would come home so you could go see the Who? ELLYN castor 0il is not dangerous. HOPE (suddenly remembering) . Oh, God, Linda Gimpel... I use to tell her that Dracula was coming to get her and she'd cower under the covers from seven o'clock on so I could make out with Billy Dubin... (gasps) In her parents bedroomn. ELLYN You made out with Billy Dubin...? HOPE --and we were good. These young people today, they have no values, they're all on drugs... ELLYN ...and listening to that degenerate rock and roll. They look at each other and start to smile. The doorbell RINGS again. Hope shakes her head in resignation. HOPE I'11 get it.

30. A FOUR HUNDRED POUND WOMAN out of a Fellini movie, sitting on Hope's couch... COT TO: A CHAIN-SMOKING SCHIZOPHRENIC Her black hair, tangled and matted over her forehead, sitting on Hope's couch... CUT TO: A FIFTY YEAR-OLD NAZI NANNY blonde hair in pigtails -- holding the baby upside down while demonstrating a more efficient burping technigue. CUT TO: A FRESH-FACED, LOVELY COED Pepsodent smile, caring eyes, great tits. COED --three younger brothers, and of course my baby sister, she's five now and so cute -~ which is why pediatric nursing is still my dream: I just love kids. CUT TO: HOPE closing the front door, smiling, as the coed leaves. Then: HOPE (to Ellyn) Absolutely not. No way. ELLYN (stupified) With her background, with those credentials? HOPE With that body? CUT TO: AN OUTDOOR PLAZA where Elliot and Michael have grabbed a hot dog and are walking back to work. There are BEAUTIFUL WOMEN everywhere. MICHAEL ...have to do something ==~ why don't we advertise ourselves. Yeah, we could--

31. He trails off as a leggy secretary passes by. MICHAEL -=-because...people should see the kind of work we do. I mean we gotta be aggressive or we're going to be in the toilet. We have to-- Again, he loses his train of thought, this time as two young women in workout leotards brush by them. MICHAEL --be really aggressive if we... (stops himself, incredulous) What is going on here...? ELLIOT See, it's like this. Bunch of australopithecines out on the savannah, right? (imitates one: grunts) The ones who win out are the ones who can spot like a great- looking austialopithecine end at four hundred yards. And the ausiralopiithecine girls, they're into it, they're thinking, hey, any guy that can see me from two miles off and beat up all these other apes must be a hell of a hunter, so I think I'll wave my rear end a little, catch his attention. Two million years later, what do you got? A bunch of guys in ties and jackets supposed to be working, and what are they doing, what are you doing? Michael is staring at yet another woman. MICHAEL Looking at women on the street. ELLIOT Exactly. That's called evolution. MICHAEL wWhat I don't understand is, what are we supposed to do about it? I mean, it's just there, right, and we're supposed to suffer? Ignore it? Have an operation?

Elliot doesn't ELLIOT I don't know. MICHAEL What do you do? ELLIOT (pauses) What does anybody do? MICHAEL Well... I guess some people... do something about it. ELLIOT Naahhh. MICHAEL Would you ever do it? (on Elliot's look) The real guestion is, would you ever tell me? ELLIOT Aould you? MICHAEL : I would tell you -- I'd have to tell somebody. ELLIOT That's the truth. MICHAEL so? ELLIOT what? MICHAEL Have you? ELLIOT Have you? MICHAEL NO! HAVE YOU? answer. Michael stops in his tracks. MICHAEL Wait a minute. Excuse me? Wait a minute. (loocks at him) Wait a minute. EXCUSE ME? 32.

ELLIOT Never MICHAEL When? (pause) I don't believe this. (pause) with who? I do not believe this. ELLIOT It was hardly anything. MICHAEL NOW. Everything. Right now. ELLIOT It was last year, it was somebody-- (he stops) Never mind, I really don't, I really can't talk about this. MICHAEL It was somebody what--? Oh, God, it was somebody in the office, oh, God, it was Cheryl Eastman. ELLIOT I really don't want to talk about this. MICHAEL You slept with Cheryl Eastman. You slept with Cheryl Eastman? Where? At the office. ELLIOT No. It was someplace else. Really, it was no big thing. MICHAEL How many times? ELLIOT (long pause) six. MICHAEL six occasions or six acts? ELLIOT Occasions. In shock, Michael sits down on a bench. 33.

34. MICHAEL You had an affair. I don't believe it. ELLIOT Is that what an affair is? I thought I was just having a protracted nightmare. He sits down next to Michael. ELLIOT Do you know how hard it's been not to talk about this? I don't kxnow, I just, I didn't know how to begin telling you. MICHAEL (shaking his head) And it was probably great, too. I'm telling /ou it was not great. The time we did it was the mos* night of my life it settled into - - about it) Okay, the seud i.ime was pretty great, but afi.:r that it was horrible. Does Nancy know? ELLIOT I don't even know. It's like, our lives were so busy and she had, I don't know, started to lose interest in sex, and I guess I was mad, or having two kids was too hard, but it's like once I did this -- before this I couldn't even buy a present for her without ending up blabbing what it was. I could not keep a secret from her. And all of a sudden, I'm lying, I'm making up things, and the worst thing is, it's totally easy, like sone . pyschopath was lying around inside me just waiting for this chance to jump out. Michael looks at his friend, who seems at this moment like

35. some shell-shocked veteran, just returned from a hideous and violent war... MICHAEL So you'd recommend this to all your friends as a worthwhile experience.... ELLIOT See the problem is, once you do it, now it's real, now it's this thing that's with you, and you can't tell her about it, and what you get...is this...abyss... between you, and you have no idea how you're going to ever cross it. CUT TO: HOPE AND MICHAEL'S LIVING ROOM - As Michael comes in at the end of the day. MICHAEL June, I'm home. HOPE (V.O0.) . In here, Ward. IN THE KITCHEN Michael finds Hope feeding the baby. He kisses both, though finding Jane's face beneath the food is not an easy trick. HOPE We're painting faces again. MICHAEL Hi, Nanie, hi, Banie, hi, Lanie. You look disgusting. HOPE (sing-song) How was work? MICHAEL I never talk about work at home. HOPE stop it, what's going on? MICHAEL Work is wonderful, work is thrilling, I'm completely fulfilled and well-paid.

36. He walks out with the mail. The baby yells for more food. Or bangs the table. Or waves the spoon. Or does something, we hope. HOPE Who asked you? CUT TO: THE MOST DELICIOUS MOMENT OF THE DAY as Michael settles into his favorite chair and devotionally holds before him the two catalogues, among his life's greatest pleasures: The Sharper Image and the L.L.Bean catalogues... As he prepares to plunge into the latest forty-eight function automatic telephone: HOPE (V.0.) Honey, do you think you could give her a bath? CUT TO: JANE SPLASHING IN THE BATHTUB While Michael laughs. There are those moments in having a kiad that are so pure and so joyous that it's hard tell who's having more fun, the child or the grown-up child. MICHAEL : And then I splash you, and Oh, No!, you splash me! =-- TIDAL WAVE, AAaaaahhhhh-- Hope appears, drawn by the laughter. In her arms, a pile of freshly-laundered towels. HOPE (hands him a towel) Who's taking the bath? He gives her a look most parents share, a kind of conspiratorial shock at the beauty and wonderfulness of their offspring. HOPE (shaking her head) All day... MICHAEL (quietly) I'm like reeling... HOPE Do all kids radiate light, or is it just her... These feelings are too strong, too overwhelming to even talk

37. about. She shakes her head and starts out. MICHAEL Vait. vait. sit... I not getting chance to talk vit you. She perches on the toilet. MICHAEL Babysitters...? Hope slumps against the tile. HOPE Can't we talk about it later? MICHAEL That bad...? HOPE We're never going to have a babysitter, we're never going to leave the house, we're never going to have a life-- until she's thirty and then she can babysit for us. She gets up and walks out of the bathroom. Michael doesn't quite know what to say. Jane GURGLES AND SPLASHES. CUT TO: MICHAEL tiptoes out of the baby's room and ever so gently closes the door -- leaving it open just a crack. IN THE LIVING ROOM He finds Hope, passed out on the sofa. Not knowing quite what to do, he stands there for a moment looking at her. THE KITCHEN looks like a grenade has exploded. THE REFRIGERATOR is bare of all save baby food, formula and black lettuce. BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM Micheal sits on the arm of the sofa.

38. MICHAEL Honey, are you hungry? (pause) Honey? Groggily, Hope half opens her eyes. HOPE (mumbles) ...just need to rest for a minute. MICHAEL Yes, but... Never mind. A long beat. The vibrations reach Hope and rouse her HOPE Sorry I didn't get to the market. There's frozen stuff I think. MICHAEL Fine. He gets up to walk away. Now she knows something's really wrong. . HOPE What? MICHAEL (stops) Are you gonna want to eat, or what? HOPE (prickly) I just wanted to rest for a minute. Go ahead and eat. MICHAEL (starts out, stops) Do you know where the soup is, it's kind of hard to find anything in there. HOPE I didn't have a chance to clean up, I'm sorry. You can clean up, too. MICHAEL I just put her to bed, I gave her a bath, I come home from work, what, you think I don't do anything all day...?

39. HOPE Well, what do you think I do all day. I cleaned up three times today, I just haven't cleaned up since five o'clock so it's a mess in there. MICHAEL Never mind. Sorry. Go to sleep. He starts to walk away, but doesn't get far-- MICHAEL What, you met all these babysitters and none of them were any good? HOPE Exactly. MICHAEL How many? HOPE (grudgingly) Seven. MICHAEL And, what, they were too old, or were they weird, or what? HOPE You want to interview them, you stay home all day and interview them, you stay home with her all day and try to figure out what she needs every five minutes. If we get somebody really old, does that mean she's not gonna walk her around enough, or just put her down and let her cry, and she doesn't speak English, I don't know, maybe she'll know what to do in an emergency but maybe she won't. If she's really young, does, is she really responsible, and when the baby chokes, what-- who's she gonna call? And today when she's crying for an hour and I don't know what to do and I finally got her to stop, you think somebody else is gonna be able to... By now, the tears are flowing freely. Michael is stunned by her intensity. He's realizing, perhaps for the first time,

40. Just how strung out she really is. MICHAEL (moved) She cried for an hour...? (going to her) What do you think it was? HOPE (swallowing) I don't know. Nothing. I gave her orange juice, maybe it upset her stomach. There was no more apple juice because I'm a terrible mother and didn't get to the store. MICHAEL Oh, honey... (sighs) Why don't you just go to bed now. I'll clean up. If you get hungry later, I'll get you something. Reluctantly, grudgingly, but finally with real intensity, she hugs him. HOPE I'm sorry. I don't know why, I just get so upset about this stuff. MICHAEL (gently) Shhh... We'll find a babysitter. She kisses him, gets up and starts toward the bedroom. HOPE I just need to sleep a little. Left alone on the sofa, Michael watches her go, more than a little unnerved by what just happened. FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO

41. ACT THREE FADE IN: THE KITCHEN - MORNING Michael is watching Sesame Street. The baby isn't; she's on the floor looking the other way, putting blocks in her mouth. Hope looks up from the paper and smiles at her husband. HOPE I hope you're enjoying that. MICHAEL I have a crush on Maria. The PHONE RINGS. Michael answers it. MICHAEL Hello...... I told you never to call me here....... When?........ All right, I can't wait. (covers the mouthpiece) Gary wants to buy equipment today. Should I get sleeping bags? (listens) Shut up. (to Hope) He says now we don't need the kind that zip together anymore. HOPE Ha, Ha, Ha. Do we really need new sleeping bags... MICHAEL Jules, you're the one who swore you'd never sleep in those things again. Anyway, you have to spend a lot of money before you go camping, it's the law. HOPE We don't even have a babysitter yet. MICHAEL We will... (looks at her) Honey, what's the matter, do you really not want to do this...?

42. HOPE (trapped now) ...Get sleeping bags. MICHAEL (into the phone) You're on. We'll spend lots of money, we'll buy knives. HOPE You have enough knives. MICEAEL A man never has enough knives. CUT TO: THE FRONT DOOR As Michael hurries out. HOPE Have lots of fun in the real world... MICHAEL I'm not in the real world, I'm in an HOPE Where people eat solid foed. MICHAEL You want to go in my place? I'll stay home with the baby. HOPE Okay. They look at each other. Sure... He kisses Hope and the baby. MICHAEL Goodbye my beautiful girls. Why am I always late, will you tell me that? He's gone. The PHONE IS RINGING. IN THE KITCHEN AGAIN ~-- Hope answers it. HOPE Hello=-- INTERCUT -- IT'S ELLYN

43. ELLYN I've been thinking all night and I've made a decision. HOPE okay...? ELLYN You need to go back to work. HOPE Oh, God. Thank you for making my morning. ELLYN Really. 1I've never seen you like you were yesterday. You're really suffering and you need to find a way out of it. HOPE Ellyn, I am not suffering. I'm having a perfectly delightful life taking care of my child. I'm sorry if that's no longer a defensible activity. ELLYN - I got scared yesterday when I saw the circles under your eyes. This whole thing is taking a toll on you and it pains me. HOPE What, you want me to give her back? ELLYN No! want you to do something for yourself! 1Is that a crime? Hope closes her eyes: Ellyn is making sense now... ELLYN When's the last time you went to a movie, or went shopping for yourself, or I don't know, did anything for yourself. HOPE Shopping, there's a concept... ELLYN I think you should call again, it can't hurt. Ask him if you can go back part time even.

44. HOPE Shilliday is out of the question. He was furious enough when I got pregnant. "This job takes total dedication." ELLYN Then sue the bastard. That's illegal. HOPE Goodbye, Ellyn. ELLYN I'm saying all this because I love you you know that, goodbye... JUMP CUT: HOPE Falling on the bed, face down. Defeated. She lies there for a moment, then picks up her head. JUMP CUT: HOPE In her closet as she violently pushes hangers around. She finds a dress and pulls it out. JUMP CUT: HOPE In front of a mirror as she tries to put it on. It's too tight. A DIFFERENT DRESS goes On... AND ANOTHER == Hope is peering at herself from different angles. She really looks quite fine, but obviously doesn't think so herself. Finally, she finds a pose that seems right, a defiant, slightly pouty pose. It's not a mother's pose, it's tougher than that. The baby starts to cry... A SPORTING GOOD STORE = DAY As Michael and Gary look at sleeping bags. GARY Here we go: Minus ten degrees. MICHAEL Are you kidding, we'd roast in that thing.

45. GARY I forgot, you carry a supplemental female heating system. MICHAEL oh, right, and you've never gotten laid backpacking... (Gary shrugs mysteriously) Haven't you? GARY You mean did I ever take a woman backpacking, or did I ever peet a woman backpacking and then have sex? MICHAEL I never even thought of that. Forget it, I don't want to know. GARY It was great -- she was with these two other girls who were stopping because they were out of shape. She was like on the American ski team, ' mean she was...healthy. That's “he ching, you know, ; healthy women, they really get into it.. Plus, their bodies are totally flexible. (Michael nods) So we were together a couple days, but then she was gonna meet these guys to go hang- gliding off the side of the mountain, so I figured sex is one thing, death is another... (looks at a parka) So how is it after she has a baby? I hear, you know, there are some anatcmical changes... MICHAEL (shakes his head) Same as ever. GARY At least she's beautiful. I think she'll lose the weight. He walks off, leaving Michael to stare after him. CUT TO: