086816 For Showtime Television n assoclation with Lionsgate WEEDS Pilot Can’t Miss The Bear” Written by: Jenji Kohan April 8, 2004 Writer’'s First Draft FADE IN: EXT. THE STREETS OF AGRESTIC, CA, A PRIVATE COMMUNITY - DAY We hear Malvina Reynolds singing “Little Boxes.” MALVINA Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky, little boxes on the hillside, little boxes, all the same; there’s a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one, and all made out of ticky- tacky, and they all look just the same. And the people in the houses, all went to the university where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same. And there’s doctors and lawyers and business executives, and they’re all made out ticky-tacky and they all look just the same. And they all play on the golf course, and drink their martinis dry and they all have pretty children and the children go to school, and the children go to summer camp, and then to the university where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same. (MORE)

MALVINA (cont'd) And the boys go Into business, and marry and raise a family, Iin boxes made of ticky-tacky, in boxes all the same, there’s a pink one and a green one and a blue one and a one and all made out of ticky -tacky and they all look just the same. It’s a beautiful day in bucolic suburbia. We pan the streets of Agrestic, an upscale private planned community just outside of Los Angeles. We see vast malls featuring every chain store, hobby shop, movie theater, national restaurant and coffee joint one could possibly wish to visit, with convenient parking, or drive-thrus if you‘re in a hurry. Ths vast malls break up housing clusters; gated subdivisions with names like “Jacaranda Glen” or “the Heights.” Once throuch the gates, we see SUVs in the driveways of family homes with nice landscaping and three car garages and expensive swingsets on manicured lawns. Every subdivision has an overriding style of home, but with slight variations so people can express their individuslity. Everything is peachy beige. EXT. AGRESTIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY At the nexus of four housing clusters sits Agrestic Elelmentary School with it’s new buildings, modern playground equipment, strategically placed trees, and vending machines. INT. PTA MEETING ROOM - DAY In a bright, airy, generic room are a group of bright, airy generic moms. They all have the same handbag, but in different colors and sizes. There is a table in the back laden with muffins and coffee and fruit and little signs in front of some of the muffins that say, “low carb.” There are chairs in the center, and at the front of the room are two podiums. One is all white and decorated with decoupage and beading and there is a sign on that one that reads, “Celia Hodes, PTA president.” The other podium is plain. Nancy Botwin, a trim, sexy, suburban white lady in her late thirties, (in truth, early to mid forties, but she looks damn good), dressed in stylish, expensive casual clothing, stands behind the plain podium and speaks.

NANCY I really think it’'s important that we remove all soft drinks from the vending machines and replace them with bottled water and naturally sweetened fruit juice. Celia Hodes, an immaculately groomed blonde wearing a big is standing at attention behind her custom gold cross, podium. She interrupts. Two mothers in the audience begin to whisper about Nancy. CELIA Are you talking about diet soda too? Because, I don't think we should remove the diet soda. So many of our girls are watching their figures. NANCY This is an elementary school. The oldest girls are eleven. They shouldn’t be dieting. Audience Mother 1 points to AUDIENCE MOTHER 1 I think she got a little botie between the eyves. AUDIENCE MOTHER 2 She probably treated herself, poor thing. If my husbanc suddenly dropped dead, do the whole face and then recover at a spa for a mor.th. purse. It’s the big version of the one everyone has. CELIA Now, Nancy, that’‘s just naive. I know you have boys, so you may not be able to understand, but -- Another mother leans in. NANCY Understand what? That children shouldn’t be guzzling sugar and chemicals? AUDIENCE MOTHER 1 Ste’s got the big bag. I guess he left her pretty well. fixed, huh? AUDIENCE MOTHER 3 I heard there was nothing. He was about to start a new job so there was zilch coming in, and they spent all their savings on redoing the kitchen. Have you seen it? It turned out gorgeous.

4. CELIA (cont’d) AUDIENCE MOTHER 2 We are in total agreement Maybe there’s family money. about the sugar. All the sugary drinks should go. CELIA (cont’d) AUDIENCE MOTHER 1 Everyone in favor of No. I think his parents diec eliminating sugary drinks a while ago and hers are from the vending machines? retired teachers. Nothing. Ladies? Nancy shakes her head. 1It‘s not worth fighting. Everyone raises her hand. Celia bangs a gavel. CELIA Wonderful! That’'s done. Thank you Nancy Botwin, head of our Healthy Children Committee. Now, let’s all take a break and eat some of the delicious muffing left over from the “bake for our school’s sake” bake sale. Which, by the way, raised over twenty eight hundred dolliars for the school library internet service with porn filters. Give yourselves a round of applause, everyone. Everyone claps for themselves and gets up to mill around the snack table. The three moms are still gossiping. AUDIENCE MOTHER 3 I wonder how she’s getting by? Nancy walks up to the table. The three moms turn to her. AUDIENCE MOTHER 1 Nancy! We were all just saying how much we love your purse!!! CUT TO: INT. HEYLIA JAMES’ KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE-UP: Nancy is talking. NANCY ...it’'s a knock-off. Buf, you can’'t even tell.

PULL BACK to reveal that Nancy, holding up her purse, is seated at a large round table in a dated but clean and warmly appointed kitchen where the homemade curtains are drawn, but the electric lighting compensates to make the room seem bright. Also at the table are a young black man, Keeyon , a young pregnant black woman, Vaneeta, (both dressed street casual) and an imposing older black woman, Hevlia James, probably in her sixties, fat, tough, wearing a housedress. (Pronounced like Mahalia without the Ma). In the center of the table is a small mountain of marijuana. The three “helpers” are sectioning off measures of pot with rulers, pouring the pot into plastic bags, and handing the bags to Heylia who weighs them in her hands and adds a little or subtracts a little before sending the bag through a Freshlock Turbosealer and tossing it into a big Sterlite box that sits between her beefy ankles. Nancy is sipping a glass of iced tea. Keeyon reaches for the purse. KEEYON Lemme see that. Raysha been wantin’ one a these. How much you pay? NANCY Seventy five bucks. It sells in the store for something like eight hundred, but I found this Armenian guy downtown-- HEYLIA Raysha take one look at that crooked stitchin’ and she know you a cheap ass trick. Fakes is for dumb ass white bitches who don’t know better. Nancy snatches the purse back and peers at the stitching. NANCY What are you talking about? The stitching on this bag is perfect. Heylia points to a seam. NANCY (cont'd) God Dammit!

HEYLIA You know, I was lookin’ in the dictionary the other day, and I saw your picture in there. Right next to, “dumb ass white bitch.” NANCY This is going straight back to Mr. Tagabedian. Nancy drops the purse under the table. A timer dings. Heylia hauls her considerable mass out of the chair and walks over to the oven where she removes a golden cornbread. Keeyon gets up to grab a piece. Heylia stops him. HEYLIA Uh uh. You need to quit. got to cool off. NANCY Ugh. That smells so good. I miss carbs. The pregnant girl chimes in. VANEETA My friend Taleesa tried that no carbs. She ate bacon and eggs for a month, and I'm talkin’ like five dozen eggs and a whole prig a day, and she lost eleven pounds. The shit works. NANCY I know. My sister’s lost seventeen pounds. She does that Atkins delivery service where they bring her a cooler of food every day, and she just eats what’s in there and then leaves it outside. KEEYON How much she pay for that? NANCY I don’t know, but she says totally worth it.

HEYLIA We should start that in the Call it the “I'm gettin’ skinny cause some nigga stole my bag of food, ” diet. KEEYON Taleesa still fat. VANEETA Uh, uh. She looks good. KEEYON Then why Ronnie dump her ass? VANEETA Cause he found out she was takin’ his money for Li‘l Ron and spending it on shit for Sheree. And he’'s all, “let Sheree Daddy pay for fuckin’ speech therapy. my son got Addidas?” NANCY It’s stupid to buy expensive shoes for a three year old. He’ll outgrow them in a day. Conrad Conrad, somewhere in his thirties, big and handsome and a commanding enters the kitchen. He walks with a slight limp. CONRAD CONRAD You calling black people stupid? NANCY Yes. And lazy. And they also steal. HEYLIA But we sings and dances real good. CONRAD CONRAD White people steal. Enron. Worldcom. They steal billions of dollars, flush them through overseas bank accounts, sit on the beach countin’ their money after a few months in minimum security.

HEYLTIA Oh, someone been listenin’ to the good Reverend Sharpton. KEEYON You know big Kenny from the laundry? He got sent to Lompoc for stealing a jacket. NANCY Maybe black pecple need to start stealing bigger. CONRAD CONRAD Maybe fuckin’ so. Conrad picks up the Sterlite from the floor, puts it on tae counter, and begins counting packed ounces. Nancy points to one. NANCY That pack looks a little small. The room goes quiet, then everyone explodes. EVERYONE Oh no! You did not jus: say that! She callin’ you out, Mama! HEYL.IA Bitch, I can eyeball an ounce from outer space with my glasses cracked. Heylia picks up the bag, tosses it onto a nearby digital scale and sits back, arms as crossed across her huge tits as possible. It‘s an ounce on the button. Everyone applauds. HEYLIA (cont'd) Hmm. All actin’ like you know. Writin‘ checks yo’ ass can’t cash. CONRAD Never question Heylia's eyeballing. She’s like the Rainman of Weed. NANCY Well, I apologize. I'm still new at this, and I stand corrected.

KEEYON Stand, shit. You on your knees corrected. HEYLIA Gettin’ all beside yo’self. You need to recognize-- NANCY All right. All right. Fine. a bitch ass bitch. Bu:z show a little respect; I am the biggest game in the private community of Agrestic. HEYLIA Oh, and that’s cause you so talented? Drugs sell themselves, biscuit. You ain’t shit. Nancy reaches into her knock-off purse and plonks down a stack of hundred dollar bills tied with a raffia ribbon. HEYLIA (cont’d) You still ain’t shit. (Then) How much you got there? CONRAD Here. Conrad hands Nancy four thin, flat, vacuum sealed bags of pot which she slips into two specially sewn pockets in her smert, fitted blazer. She holds the raffia wrapped wad of cash cut to him. HEYLIA Take that crap off my money. You’re not giving me a Present. You're paying me for drugs. NANCY Excuse me for trying to bring a little beauty to an ugly world. Nancy glances at her watch as she pulls off the raffia. NANCY (cont’d) Oh, fuck. It’'s two thirty.

10. She gets up suddenly, stuffs the cash in Conrad’s hand, znd starts for the door. HEYLIA Where you goin’ with vour ass all on fire? Dr. Phil ain’'t on ‘til four. NANCY It’'s Tuesday. Shane’s got his grief counselor. HEYLIA Oh, right. Sorry. CONRAD walk you out. She’s already out the door. Conrad follows her. KEEYON Damn, that was stank, Heylia. HEYLIA Shut the fuck up. VANEETA Can you imagine? Boy out joggin’ with his daddy, havin’ a good time, and then, boom, daddy dead in the street. That would fuck a kid up. HEYLIA Well, you show me who ain’t fucked up. Who wants cornbread? CUT TO: EXT. HEYLIA’'S HOUSE - SAME TIME There is no indication that a cozy interior lies beyond this slum facade. Nancy's Explorer is parked out front. She unlocks the door and starts to climb in. Conrad runs up to the window. CONRAD CONRAD You all right?

11. NANCY I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just late. CONRAD CONRAD You sure? NANCY Conrad, we do business, not personal. CONRAD CONRAD Hey, I'm full service. Didn’t Andy tell you that when he hooked us up? NANCY I think my brother-in-law’s exact words were, “Dude, meet the finest jit with the finest shit.” got to go. Thanks. CONRAD Fine. Drive safe. You know where I live. He shuts her door and slaps the side of the car in a send-off gesture. She speeds away. He her go. CUT TO: INT. HOUSE - NIGHT The grand gourmet kitchen opens into a large, tasteful family room where Nancy'’s son Shane, eleven years old, smart, weird, think the spazz kid from the spelling bee movie as his prototype, and his older brother gilas, fifteen, an under-the- radar type of teen, not too cool, not too nerdy, not gorgeous, not homely, are finishing their dinner in front of the television. A Latino housekeeper, Lupita, is cleaning up the kitchen. On the screen, a bunch of guys in fatigues are sitting on platforms in the trees, holding big guns and periodically whispering, “Shhh. I think I heard something.” Nancy enters the room and snaps off the TV. NANCY What happened in the guest room? SILAS Ask Shane.

NANCY I'm asking both of you. SHANE I fell through the skylight. But don’t worry, okay. show back on. NANCY There’s a giant hole in Turn the the roof now. What the hell were you doing up there? SILAS Lupita told him to get down. LUPITA I tell him, Missus. SHANE I didn’t hear her. SILAS Oh, come on. The deaf girl on Dewey Street could hear SHANE her. She’s not deaf. She just talks weird. There'’'s something wrong with her tongue. SILAS Who told you that? She’ deaf. And Dennis Kling S totally says there is pothing wrong with her tongue. SHANE What do you mean? 12. Nancy shoots Silas a “think before you answer that” look. SHANE (cont’d) What? Did they French kiss? There’'s a knock at the back door, slightly sickly looking teenage gi herself in. QUINN Hey, Mrs. Botwin. and a slim, pretty, Quinn Hodes let’s

13. NANCY Hi, Quinn. You want something to eat? Lupita made chili. QUINN Nah. I'm good. Hey, Zupita. SILAS (To Shane) Yeah, that's right. They French kissed. Quinn grabs an apple from a fruit bowl, and sits down in the family room next to Silas. She takes a bite of apple, then offers it to him. He bites. QUINN Who French kissed? SILAS Dennis Kling and Mehgan Beales. QUINN Oh, they did a whole lot more than-- NANCY (Warning) Quinn-- QUINN (To Shane) How’s your shoulder? NANCY You were here when he fell? QUINN Officially, no. Officially I was at Kim‘s house working on a science project. NANCY I don’t want to know. SHANE They were making out, but nothing naked. QUINN/SILAS Shut up. beeper goes off. She looks at it.

14. NANCY I'1l be right back. SHANE Where are you going? NANCY It’s a neighborhood watch thing. I'11 be back soon. Nancy grabs her keys and her blazer and exits. QUINN What were you doing on the roof? SHANE Spying on Mr. Wells. He was getting his back waxed. It was so gross. Even the lady doing it seemed freaked out by all that hair. QUINN I wonder if he’s got a new boyfriend. STLAS Wanna go fool around? QUINN Sure. Silas and Quinn leave the room. Shane snaps the TV back on. On the screen a bear is chasing one of the guys in fatigues. Lupita, carrying two bowls of ice Cream, sits down next to Shane and hands him one. They eat and watch. LUPITA I love this show. RESET TO: EXT. HOUSE/INT. FORD EXPLORER - CONTINUOUS Nancy gets into the driver’s seat of her car and buckles up. Josh McCarthy, a “cool,” handsome kid, around sixteen or seventeen pops up from behind the driver’s seat.

JOSH Boo! Nancy practically jumps out of her skin. NANCY Oh, Christ, Josh! My husband died of a heart attack. You want to orphan my children? JOSH Mrs. B., you need to relax. Stress weakens the immune system and we’re coming up on cold and flu season. Josh sits down in the passenger seat as Nancy starts the engine and pulls out of the driveway. NANCY Buckle your seat belt. He does. NANCY (cont’d) So, what’s up? JOSH My guy went on a yoga retreat in Redlands and he won’t be back for a week. You think you could help me out? NANCY He didn’'t take care of you before he left? JOSH Have you seen, “Winged NANCY The bird movie? JOSH A masterpiece of naturalist cinema. They trained the birds to wear these cameras, right? So when you watch, you really are getting the “bird’s eye view.” It makes you realize how much it sucks to be a bird, but it’s beautiful. 15.

NANCY So a bird flew away with your stash? JOSH They’ve been showing “Winged Migration” at the plex all week. Wiped me out. Shit hasn’t gone this fast since “The Passion of the Christ.” NANCY Kids got stoned for the “Passion of the Christ?” That's disturbing. JOSH Not as disturbing as watching it not stoned. Religion ass. It’s a straight up snuff film. NANCY Josh, why don’t you just take the week off? JOSH That so goes against my Christian work ethic, Mrs. B. 1Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings. Come on. Help me out. I'd do it for you. NANCY I don’t need you to. My guy doesn’t do yoga. I don’t think he likes any kind of exercise that involves mats. Josh pulls out a big wad of money. JOSH Cash. NANCY Josh-- JOSH Come on. I was at the orthodontist the other day when Shane was there, and I heard all about his overbite. That's gotta be costing you some serious green. 16.

She keeps her cool. NANCY For how much? JOSH 17. However much you want to give me, Mrs. B. Beggars can’t be choosers. Although I offered that homeless guy on Pine Street some left-over Chinese, slippery shrimp, no less, and you know what he said? don’t like fish. You got anything else? * NANCY A shrimp isn’t a fish. JOSH The man wears a tinfoil hat because he thinks it will protect him from AIDs. NANCY Shrimp are bottom feeders. When You eat a shrimp, Josh, always make sure it’s been thoroughly cleaned and de-veined. JOSH Yeah. Will do. So you gonna hook me up? NANCY You gonna play by the rules? JOSH (Ala West Side Story) of your own kind, deal to your cwn kind! (He holds up the wad of cash.) I'm putting the love in the glove. Josh stuffs the money into the it. He picks up a CD Jjewel cas glove compartment and shuts e. JOSH (cont’d) (Re: CDs) You like Cutie? Nancy pulls over, puts the car Death Cab for in park, and turns to Josh.

NANCY Okay, listen, you stay away from my Customer base, and you don’t sell to kids, you got it? JOSH If too young to bleed, they’'re too young for weed. No grass on the field? No grass will they vield. NANCY You’'re a poet. Nancy reaches into her blazer and pulls out one of the vacuum sealed bags. Josh reaches back and grabs his backpack. He opens it and stuffs the pot in. NANCY (cont'd) You want a ride home? getting late. JOSH Nah. be fine. the suburbs. Safe to walk the streets at night and all that. Josh opens his door and several empty Starbucks cups fall out. JOSH (cont’d) Whoa, you should slow down on the lattes, Mrs. B. kid yourself, caffeine is a serious drug. NANCY Go away now, Josh. JOSH Later Mrs. B. And he’s gone. CUT TO:

19. EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY It’s a gorgeous day in a gorgeous suburban park. Xids are running up and down the field as parents seated in expensive camping chairs alternately cheer and chat except for the real gung-ho types who are running up and down the sidelines barking instructions and enraged encouragement. Nancy is seated in her chair cheering like the rest as suburban adults. At random intervals, people approach her and discreetly hand her money which she stashes in her fanny pack. She then reaches into the saddlebag of her camping chair and in one graceful movement palms them a neat little bag of marijuana, and smiles warmly. Nancy watches Shane, in his Hurricanes uniform, get clobkerad every time he’s anywhere near the ball. There’'s somethirg about him that makes both the opposing team and his own team go out of their way to knock him around. NANCY Foul! Hey, ref, something wrong with your whistle? Celia Hodes, walks over and sits down next to Nancy. She patronizingly places a perfectly manicured hand on hers. CELIA Technically, Nancy, he can‘t call that a foul, because Shane was kicked by his own teammates. Nancy points to a sturdy, blonde, nine year old girl puffing up the field. NANCY Celia. How is Isabel doing with her nutritionist? Celia pulls her hand away . CELIA Oh, fine. Fine. She’s lost three pounds. NANCY Really? 1In only four months? Good for her.

20. CELIA She has a very slow metabolism. may put her on thyroid medication. Why she couldn’t take after my side of the family... A soccer dad, Doug McCarthy, walks toward Nancy, but she discreetly mouths, “No” and ever so slightly nods her head toward Celia. He grudgingly retreats. The ref blows a whistle and calls the quarter. Kids run off the field to get drinks and snacks and parental approval. Isabel excitedly runs over to her mother. ISABEL Did you see my kick? CELIA I want to see more running, Isa- belly. That’'s what burns fat. The child’'s enthusiasm deflates like a slashed tire. NANCY Your kick was great, Isabel. Too little, too late, wrong mom. ISABEL Yeah. Thanks. I'm gonna get a drink. Isabel walks toward a giant cooler overflowing with ice and juice boxes and cans of soda. Celia calls after her. CELIA Water or Diet soda only! Celia turns back to Nancy. CELIA (cont’d) You know I love Dean, but he ruined my children. Quinn got his asthma, and Isabel got his limp hair and his piano legs. Breaks my heart. But... we all have our crosses. Look, I think Shane is bleeding.

21. ANGLE ON: Shane, who is still sitting on the field, inspecting his bloody knee. When he thinks no cne is looking, he licks off the blood. Of course someone has noticed; Devon, the super-jock, golden-child, bully kic. DEVON Eeew. Shane just licked his own blood! All the kids follow Devon'’s lead, screaming out how Shana is gross. He’s like a vampire. He's a freak. Celia turns to Nancy. The hand is back. CELIA Maybe he needs more iron in his diet. CUT TC: EXT. PARK BY THE VENDING MACHINES - SAME TIME A soda bottle falls heavily into the bottom tray of a vending machine. Someone picks it up and walks away. Pressed up against the side of this machine are Quinn and Silas. They are locked in an embrace, kissing, groping, touching, desperately hormonal. Quinn breaks the clinch to reach iatoe the pocket of her tight, low-slungy jeans, and pull out an inhaler, from which she takes a hit. SILAS Do I take your breath away? QUINN Funny. Give me a sec. She takes another hit. SILAS Are you alright? QUINN Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine. Molds and spores. Pollen and pollution. Oh, to be young and breathing- challenged in America. She stuffs the inhaler back in her pants, grabs Silas again, and kisses him deeply. He breaks the clinch this time.

22. SILAS You taste all chemically. Silas spits, trying to get the taste of asthma medicine sut his mouth. QUINN That’s the Albuterol. Sorry. Quinn offers him a breath mint firom her pocket and takes one herself. SILAS Ugh. I can still taste it. QUINN Hey, I could taste the salami you must have had for breakfast, but vou don’t hear me complaining like a little bitch. SILAS For your information, I did not have salami for breakfast. T had beef stick. And there are probably more chemicals in one beef stick than a hundred inhalers. So the little bitch? QUINN Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize. I take it back. You are all man. STILAS That’s right. And my little bitch. Come here. Silas grabs her and pulls her to him. They kiss more. QUINN Mmm. Minty. Silas attempts to stick his hand down the front of her pants. She pulls his hand out. QUINN (cont’d) We shouldn’t start something we can‘t finish. Silas tries again.

SILAS Why can’t we finish? I’'ve got the keys to my mom’'s Explorer. She pulls his hand out again. QUINN I can’t sleep with you in an SUV. Do you know what those things do to the environment? Silas stops trying and steps back, angry. SILAS Ugh. Forget it. Just forget it. I'm sick of this. QUINN Oh, come on. We can still have fun. Look! Quinn lifts up her shirt and flashes him. He shakes his head. She puts her shirt down. QUINN {cont’d} What is going on with you? You love the booby flash. I already starting to sag? Maybe I should go on Extreme Makeover. SILAS I'm not joking, Quinn. I can’'t take it any more. It’s like torture. QUINN What? You wanna take your blue balls and go home? Silas doesn’t respond. Quinn barrels ahead. QUINN (cont'd) Get it? Maybe you don’t get it. See, instead of saying, take your ball and go home, I said take your SILAS Can’t you stop for a minute? I'm serious. (MORE)

24. SILAS {(cont'd) Every time we get close you make some joke or excuse. I‘ve had it. I quit. Silas starts to walk away. Quinn calls after him. QUINN Fine. I quit too. Silas stops, turns around, and walks right back to her, angry. SILAS You quit? What do you mean you quit. QUINN I quit. No more holding out. Let’s do it. SILAS Are you fucking with me, Or are you serious? QUINN I am serious about fucking with you. (Then) And I'm serious about fucking with you. But I‘'m also serious that I won't do it in an SUV. Those things are evil. She jumps onto Silas, wrapping her legs around him. They reel into the side of the vending machine. A soda releases and falls into the bottom. QUINN/SILAS Free soda!!! SILAS I think it’'s a gign. Quinn looks down into the bottom of the machine. QUINN No. Don’t say that. It's diet. I hate diet. You want to talk chemicals... SILAS Shut up.

25. QUINN You shut up. They kiss kiss kiss. CUT TC: EXT. SOCCER FIELD - CONTINUOQUS Nancy sprays Shane’s knee with scmething germ killing, and sticks on a band aid. NANCY There you go. Let the healing begin. SHANE Can we go home now? Please? NANCY It's not even half-time. And there‘s fruit roll at half-time. The long kind with all the unnatural colors that I never let you eat at home. Go on. Your team needs you. Shane glumly glances over to the field where the team has enthusiastically resumed play despite “needing him.” SHANE I feel well. I think I have rickets. CELIA You’'ve got to tough it out, little man. That’s what your father would have-- Nancy cuts off Celia and turns to Shane. NANCY How about this? You can relax and sit out this quarter, have a drink, and then you’ll play again in the second half, okay? Shane doesn’t answer. He looks down. Nancy lifts his head from under the chin and looks him in the eye.

26. NANCY Okay? SHANE (Beat) Fine. (Then) Can I have fruit punch? NANCY You can even have fruit punch. Nancy kisses him on the head. NANCY (cont'd) I love you. Shane rolls his eyes and walks over to the drink cooler. CELIA From all the books I’'ve read, you should really be encouraging Shane and Silas to talk about their father’s death, or down the road, you’'re looking at two very dysfunctional adults who will have trouble sustaining healthy relationships. NANCY I had no idea you read books. Doug, the soccer dad from earlier, kneels down next to Nancy’s chair. DOUG Hey, Nancy. How’s it going? CELIA Douglas, do you know where your son Josh is? what he's doing? DOUG Yeah. He’s over there somewhere. (Doug gestures vagualy across the field.) ANGLE ON: Josh, the kid from Nancy'’s car the other night, who is leaning against the trunk of an enormous tree that stands just beyond the soccer fields. Back to the grown-ups.

CELIA Yes, and he happens ts be-- Doug totally ignores Celia. He addresses Nancy. DOUG Nancy, I was wondering if-- Nancy smoothly reaches into a small duffel bag by her chair and pulls out an issue of Vogue. We see her slip a packet between the pages. She hands him the magazin e. NANCY There’s some really nice stuff in here. DOUG Right! Yeah. That's Jreat. NANCY expensive, but I'm telling you, Doug, it’s worth every penny. DOUG Really? Doug goes for his wallet, but Nancy signals, “no.” DOUG (cont’d) Well, you haven’t let me down yet. Thanks, Nance. NANCY You're welcome. catch you later. Doug stands there for a beat. NANCY {cont’d) I'1ll see you later, Doug . DOUG Oh. Okay. Later. Doug walks off. Nancy turns to Celia. NANCY He’'s trying to find something nice for Dana. Her birthday is coming up.

28. CELIA If he really wanted to do something nice for his wife, he could ship his delinquent son off to military school. Celia motions for Nancy to look past the soccer field to ths big tree. CELIA I mean, look at that. ANGLE ON: Josh under the big tree. Another teen walks to him. The other kid 1doks nervous and Josh is a cucumber. They appear to chat, then the kid hands Josh something and Josh directs the kid to reach into one of the many holes in the tree. The kid finds what he's looking for and walks away looking around nervously. ANGLE ON: Nancy and Celia. CELIA (cont’d) The little scumbag sells drugs right next to the soccer field, and his parents do nothing. (Beat) You know what? I’'m going to call the police. Celia pulls out her cell phone. NANCY Celia, save your weekend minutes. The kid will have dropped or hidden whatever he’s got before the suburb’s finest have even unbuckled their seat belts. They'1ll have nothing to arrest him for. CELIA Somebody’s been watching Law and Order. NANCY Yes, I've been finding Jerry Orbach oddly sexy and comforting lately. CELIA Oh. You are such a bravs widow. Celia squeezes hand, then switches gears and stands up.

29. CELIA (cont’'d) Now if you’ll excuse me, I'm going to go chase that little fucker out of here. Did you hear? This week they found a ten year old with marijuana in his lunchbox. Nancy is pissed. NANCY A ten year old?? Celia has already marched off across the field, right through the game, oblivious to the fact that she’s forced Devon, (Shane’s lead tormentor earlier), who was running with ball, to suddenly change direction, go out of bounds, anc trip over the giant cooler Shane is leaning against as he sips fruit punch. Devon lands badly, twisting his ankle. Shane’s looks up from his can. He's got a punch moustache. The whistle blows and the Coach Dad runs over to his fallen player. Devon is hopping around on one foot, clearly in pain, but trying not to cry because he’s so tough. COACH DAD Let me see. Anything’s broken? DEVON (Fuck this No. I'm fine. I just twisted it. I'1l1l be fine. Coach Dad fills a baggie with ice and hands it to Devon. COACH DAD Here, sit down and put this on your ankle. DEVON But I want to play! We’'re short one. Shane pipes up. SHANE I guess I could go back in, Coach. Coach turns to Shane.

30. COACH DAD What? Oh, Botwin. There’s only a few minutes left in tke half. It wouldn’t make any difference. (To Devon) Just sit down and ice that ankle so you can play after the break. You hear me, cowboy? The Hurricanes don’t fully blow unless you’re out there. SHANE Coach, did you mean to say that to Devon? Cause I think the Hurricanes blow especially hard when out there. COACH DAD You watch yourself, Botwin. Coach gives Devon a thumbs up and heads back to the game, clapping his hands. COACH DAD (cont’d) Okay, way to go Hurricanes! Let’s see some hustle! Devon sits down against the cooler and gingerly wraps the ice around his ankle. SHANE Actually, you should alternate cold and hot every twenty minautes. DEVON Don’t even talk to me, Weirdo. SHANE Fine. I was just trying to help. DEVON I don’t need your help, Lipstick. SHANE Lipstick? DEVON Your fruit punch lipstick, Fruit Punch. It’s perfect. Fruit for the fruit.

31. Devon lifts off the ice pack and tries to slowly rotate his foot. DEVON (cont'd) Or maybe you’'re pretending it’s blood, cause we all know how much you love the taste of blood. Is that it, Vampire? SHANE Okay, I'm confused. Am I Weirdo, Lipstick, Fruit Punch, or Vampire? You really need to pick a demeaning nickname and stick to it or everyone’s going to get confused. DEVON How about Orphan Boy? SHANE Fuck vyou. Shane grabs a full can of soda from the cooler and chucks it hard at Devon. But Shane can’t tarow for shit and it only glances Devon’s shoulder, so he throws his open fruit punch, and it lands short, but it splatters all over Devon’s shirt, so then he gets up and runs for his life. Fueled by rage and sport, Devon is up and after him despite his bad ankle. Shane runs past his mother. NANCY Shane, where are you-- Devon is speed hobbling. DEVON kill you, you freak!! Devon, focused on his prey, fails to see the shapely mom lag Nancy has extended. She trips him. Devon flies forward and lands hard. NANCY Oh, Devon, honey, you need to watch where going. CUT TO:

EXT. PARK BY THE VENDING MACHINES Silas and Quinn are sitting on a picnic table. QUINN Well it’s never going to happen in my house. My mom's probably got spy cameras in the light fixtures. SILAS Oh, come on. QUINN You think I'm kidding? This is a woman who put one of those stuffed teddy bear nanny cams in the pantry so she could see when Isabel was sneaking food. 2and I know for a fact she took hair out of my brush and had it drug tested. SILAS I just had this flash of your mother crawling around your bed with a magnifying glass, looking for stray pubes. QUINN Is that your brother? Shane is barrelling toward them. STLAS Ch, Jesus, is he wearing lipstick? The kid’'s getting freakier by the day. Shane has reached them. He ducks under the table and sits, panting heavily. Quinn leans down and looks at him, then sits back up. QUINN It’s not lipstick, it’s fruit punch. Shane peeks out between the table and the bench. SHANE (Panting) Is he coming?

.V SIIAS There’'s no one chasing vou, Shane. SHANE (Panting) I'm so dead. I am so dead. Quinn leans down again. QUINN You want a hit off my inhaler? SILAS Shane, go back to your game. SHANE I threw a can of soda at Devon Rensler. SILAS Well, that was stupid. SHANE He called me Orphan Boy. SILAS a fuckwad. QUINN Did you hit him? SHANE No. Just grazed him. SILAS That’s bad. You can’t miss the bear. QUINN What bear? SHANE I missed the bear. I'm gonna be Legos at school on Monday. QUINN What are you talking about? Silas clarifies for Quinn.

34. SILAS Do you ever watch “Bear Hunt,” on Outdoor Sports Channel? QUINN Somehow missed that one. When is it on? SILAS I don’'t know. Just Tivo it. Shane’s enthusiasm for Bear Hunt can be heard from under the table. SHANE It’s only the best show in the history of television. SILAS Every week these guys with, like, “If you've got a problem with hunting, how ‘bout I just shoot vou?” bumper stickers cn their trucks, go out to track and kill a bear. QUINN That’s horrible! SHANE Oh, it’s so awesome. SILAS In almost every show someone gets mauled, and it’s like, “Hey, Billy! Mama bear’s goin’ after Ludlow! Use the Marlin Guide with the 300- grain Winchesters and aim for the optimum kill zones.” SHANE “You got to bring enough gun to get the job done.” SILAS , And in the end we find out that Ludlow lost part of his ear and had some nerve damage in his right arm, but there was enough bear sausage to last a year.

SHANE Tell her about CGS. SILAS Shane, you’re gonna wet yourself. SHANE Shut up. just as into it. QUINN CGS? What is that, Christian Gun Sickos? SILAS Carter “Grizzly” Sudkin, the host of the show. At the ead of each episode-- SHANE --he’s always got the head of the bear they shot that week-- SILAS —-he leaves you with some wise parting words, like, “if you ta shoot a black bear with a bitty .270, you best have a clean shot to the lower half of the heart-lung area from no more 'n a hundred yards. You cain’t miss the bear or he goin’ ta turn ‘round and rip you open like a kids’ present on Christmas SHANE T always get Legos on Christmas. SILAS You can’t miss the bear. QUINN Okay, breaking up. STILAS But think of the time you’ll save on foreplay. Just whisper, “shoot me in the optimum kill zone, ” and I'll be good to go.

36 QUINN I could whisper linoleum and you’'d be good to go. SHANE finally gonna do it? Thank God. He's been going crazy. STILAS Shane, shut the fuck up. CUT TC: EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME TIME A sea of SUVs, minivans and station wagons. We close in on a Honda Odyssey within which Nellie McKay’s “David,” plays loudly. RESET TO: INT. MINIVAN - CONTINUOUS Doug McCarthy sits in the driver’'s seat. He’s singing along while sucking contentedly on a joint. He'’s flipping through Vogue. On the little snack table next to the driver’s seat sits a baggie filled with marijuana. Also on the table are rolling papers, matches, empty big gulp cups and zone bar wrappers. There’s a knock on the window. Doug doesn’t hear. We see an angry Nancy through the window. She knocks again until Doug notices, turns down the music and rolls it dowr. DOUG Jesus, Nance, you weren't kidding. This stuff is primo. You wanna climb in? NANCY Doug, unless you want to go back to buying ditch weed from your housekeeper’s cousin, I suggest you put away the joint, hide the open bag of pot and the rolling papers, and get your head out of your ass! What are you thinking? DOUG What?

37. NANCY You're on the fucking city council. What if someone like Celia Hodes walked by? DOUG She is such a bitch. Great ass, but a raging bitch. Her husband is sleeping with the tennis pro. Nancy wants to stay mad, but gossip is a great rage diffuser. NANCY Are you serious? The Asian DOUG She love him long time. NANCY Doug, she’s from Anaheim, not Bangkok. She can’t shcot tennis balls out of her crotch. DOUG Last week, she stuck the handle of a racket up Dean’s ass while he was fucking her. He said it felt unbelievable, but if you ask me, any guy who lets anything up there is at least part fag. NANCY How do you know all this? DOUG He’s in the poker game. NANCY And he just shared it with you? DOUG He was losing. He drank too much. NANCY Did Judah ever say anything about our sex life at these games?

DOUG Nah. The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don’t want to jinx it by saying anything out loud. They’'re both quiet for a moment. DOUG (cont'd) He was a great guy, Nance. We miss him a lot. NANCY Yeah. Me too. If only lived long enough for me to stick foreign objects up his ass. I never even got a finger up there. DOUG You're an amazing lady. NANCY And you’'re still an idiot. Air out this van and keep your smoke private from now on. You hear me? DOUG Yeah. I'm sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Are we cool? NANCY When you pay me. Doug hands her some cash which she stuffs in her bag. NANCY (cont'd) Thank you. We're cool. Nancy reaches in and takes her magazine back too. DOUG Hey, I was just getting into that. Tt’s all about texture this fall. NANCY Give my love to Dana. 38.

39. Nancy gives him a peck on the cheek and walks away. She picks up the camping chair and duffel that she’s leaned against Doug’s van and proceeds down the row of parked cars to her own SUV which she unlocks from several feet away. The back window automatically pops open. She lifts her stuff into the back. Josh McCarthy is suddenly beside her. JOSH Excuse me, Ma'am. You mind if I take a look in that bag? In one swift move, Nancy grabs his arm, pulls him around to the side of the truck and pins him there. NANCY You made me a promise, you little shit. JOSH Whoa, take it easy. I won’t sneak up on you anymore. NANCY I just heard a ten year old got busted this week. TEN YEAR OLD! You're a fucking liar. JOSH The kid told me he was seventeen. NANCY Bullshit. You promised me no kids. JOSH What’s the big deal? TIt's just a little pot. They all want it. NANCY He’s ten! JOSH Listen, when you started selling around here, I wasg totally cool with you, and know, you took away a lot of my parent business, but I let it go. NANCY Josh, it is not okay to sell to little kids.

40. JOSH Who are you, the world’'s mother? T think it’s all great that this dealer with a conscience and everything, but this is business. Let their parents worry about it. I'1l sell to whoever I damn please. NANCY No, you won't. JOSH No? What are you gonna do? Tell my dad who’s over there getting baked in the minivan? He’1l just be pissed that I was holding out on him. Nancy lets go of Josh. JOSH Listen. Don’'t worry. I'l1l never sell to Shane, okay? NANCY You're a kid. You're a just a stupid, irresponsible kid. JOSH And you’'re a hypocrite. “Keep kids off drugs,” cries the pot dealing mom. Whatever gets you through the night, Nancy. I'l]l see you around. Josh walks away as Silas, Shane and Quinn approach. Silas and Josh exchange “heys.” SHANE Can we go now? I hate soccer and Devon Rensler called me Orphan Boy. NANCY Devon Rensler’s a fuckwad. Get in the car. (To Silas and Quinn) You two coming? SILAS Yeah.

.« QUINN Can we have sex in your house? EXT. NANCY’'S ROOF - LATE AFTERNOON 41. CUT TO: Nancy and Quinn are on the roof of the Botwin’'s upscale suburban tract home looking out over a sea of mature trees and upscale suburban tract homes. Between them are a pair of binoculars, and a bag full of jelly beans. They sit next to the big hole in the roof where a skylight used to be. We: hear the phone ring from inside. We hear Shane answer it. SHANE (0.S.) Hello? They eat jelly beans. NANCY So, you really think you’re ready? QUINN Yeah, I‘ve tortured him enough. I mean, we’'ve been going out for almost three months already. NANCY Oh, well, a whole three months. QUINN And I trust him. and I think he loves me. NANCY I think you’'re right about that. But you guys are fifteen. SHANE (0.S.) (Yelling) Mom? Mo-om!! (Into the phone) I'm not sure where she is, can I take a message? Now? Okay, sure. Yeah, she’s here too. Okay . Bye. We hear the click of the phone as it disconnects. leans into the hole in the ceiling. Nancy

NANCY Shane! We’'re on the roof. Who Shane appears on the bed below the hole. SHANE It’s nice up there, isn‘t it? NANCY I must say, I see the appeal. But you have to promise to be super careful when you're up here. SHANE Are you guys eating my jelly beans? QUINN Only to save you from them. Candy is bad for kids. NANCY Who called? SHANE Mrs. Hodes. She‘s on her way over. NANCY Now? SHANE Yeah. NANCY Go warn your brother. Shane exits. QUINN Great. She’s gonna make you promise that Silas and I are never in a room without the dcor open and a foot on the floor. She’'s such an uptight prude. No wonder my Dad’s screwing Helen Chin. NANCY You know about that? 42.

QUINN I had my suspicions. You just confirmed them. NANCY Shit. QUINN Look, Mrs. Botwin, I think really cool, and I really appreciate the heart to heart and everything, but Silas and I are ready. NANCY You say that, but you don’t know-- QUINN You never know. When I had sex with my last boyfriend for the first time, I know he’'d turn out to be all S&M, but at some point in a relationship, you just have to take the leap. NANCY Sex with your last boyfriend? QUINN Yeah, what did you think, we were virgins? Nancy is clearly thrown by this. Quinn stands up. QUINN (cont’d) I'm climbing down. See you in the house. Quinn looks west. QUINN Oh, check it out. Mr. Wells has a new boy toy. NANCY He... What? I didn’t know he had an old one. 43.