MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE PILOT by Linwood Boomer 3/8/99

FADE_IN: THE EART Floating in space. MALCOLM (V.O.) This is the world. One hundred and ninety-six million square miles. If I covered a hundred square miles an hour, every hour for the rest of my life... I'd still only see half of it. EXTREME CLOSE UP - A_N MALCOLM (V.O.) . This is the left nostril of my brother Reese. It squeaks all night long. CLOSE UP - FEET MALCOLM (V.0.) These are the freezing cold feet of my little brother Dewey. He shoves them in my back every night. CLOSE UP _- T A Polaroid of a nice-looking fifteen year-old boy. MALCOLM (V.0O.) This is my oldest brother Francis. He's the one I really like, so of course. .toymilitary school. BEDROOM. Eleven: REESE sleeps in a twin bed. Six year-old DEWEY... ‘of. bed, ‘tiny space on the edge for nine year-old MALCOLM. Malcolm is sitting up, LOOKING INTO CAMERA. MALCOLM My name is Malcolm. You know what the best thing about childhood is? (grim) At some point, it stops.

/ Ne INT. K HEN -_A LITTLE LA We are VERY CLOSE on an EXTREMELY HAIRY MALE BACK. After a moment, ELECTRIC CLIPPERS BUZZ through, leaving a clean pink track. We WIDEN TO REVEAL: MOM DAD LOIS WILKERSON, late thirties, attractive (if a bit frazzled), in a housecoat. SHE RUNS THE CLIPPERS UP AND DOWN her husband's body. Despite what she's doing at the moment, believe this: Lois is not a woman to trifle with. HAL WILKERSON is a beefy guy in his forties. He STANDS NAKED on newspapers, reading the business section as his wife SHAVES HIS BODY. Mercifully, the paper blocks some of our view. A RADIO is playing oldies as she works. LOIS (sings along) Oh Mandy, well you came and you gave without taking... (screams) Malcom-Reese-Dewey, get down here, I'm not gonna call you again! (sings) ... Oh, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking... Malcolm, Reese and Dewey TRUDGE IN. LOIS There's only two toaster waffles, so one of you has to have cereal. The boys BOLT FOR THE REFRIGERATOR. Dewey gets there last. ‘the waffle »carton ‘as .Dewey :-kicks. DEWEY =: Hey... Give it... You cheated... Give on... HAL Hey, have some consideration. There's people in this house trying to forget they have kids. The boys start fixing breakfast. Whenever they pass each other, ELBOWS OR FISTS FLY. The blows are perfunctory, like the territorial mock-combat of mountain goats.

Lors These clippers are dull already. Honestly Hal, you're like a monkey. (then) Take a good look, boys. This is your future. You've got maybe five more years of being cute, then you start sprouting like a bunch of Chia Pets. MALCOLM (to camera - quietly) They do this every month. He has sensitive skin and the hair gets itchy under his clothes. Lois picks up a clump of hair from the floor, examines it thoughtfully. LOIS It always seems like such a waste to just dump this in the trash. © Maybe birds would like to make nests out of it, or you kids could use it for school projects. (to Hal) Arms up. Hal RAISES THE PAPER over his head, keeps reading. The boys SHUDDER AND LOOK AWAY. LOIS Oh, Malcolm. You have to come right home from school. I made a play-date for you with Stevie Kenarban and you have to take a bath. ‘MALCOLM coe og (horrified) What? Mom, no. REESE (laughs) Malcolm. has a play date. MALCOLM Shut up, Reese. Mom -- I

REESE (laughs) With "Stevie the Wheelie" Kenarban. Oh, man... Reese BREAKS UP WITH LAUGHTER. It doesn't occur to him to stop eating while he laughs, so he pretty quickly starts CHOKING on his food. As LOIS POUNDS REESE ON HIS BACK; ee HAL (sighs) So, Malcolm. Why is playing a problem for you? MALCOLM First off, you only have "play dates" when you're like five. Second off, I don't even know Stevie. LOIS (confused) I saw his mom at the grocery store. She said you boys ate lunch together. MALCOLM One time! He rolled his wheelchair next to me and I couldn't say "go away." He's not even in my class. He's in the Krelboyne class in the trailer next to tether ball. LOIS “You listen to me, young man. That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie. He is a human being, with human feelings. Now you are gonna be friends that boy and MALCOLM Yes, ma'am. Understood. (to. camera) Tf. I.give-up-now, I won't get the lecture. LOIS You kids don't know how good you have it... MALCOLM (wincing) Dang.

LOIS You just take your legs for granted, like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you, that is just wishful thinking. There's Meningitis, car accidents... You could squirm during a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery, and first prize is you don't have to push yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands. Think about that. SILENCE. Then; DEWEY I don't take my legs for granted, Mom. LOIS I know, honey. You're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself. EXT. MALCOLM' TREET -_ LA’ THAT MORNIN CAMERA TRAVELS along small, well-kept houses. LOVING PARENTS send CLEAN-CUT KIDS off to school with a kiss. Then we come to a slightly shabby house with a neglected lawn. The houses on either side have “For Sale" signs up. The DOOR OPENS and Malcolm, Reese and Dewey HUSTLE OUT as Lois hands them lunch bags. LOIs . I ran out of ham, so one of these has egg salad. The they’ ‘HURRY: THE STREET. (calls) little brother, I don't want him kidnapped. REESE (to Malcolm) It's your turn to walk with him. : MALCOLM I walked him yesterday. And the day before. REESE I walked him when he wet his pants.

MALCOLM (beaten) Okay. Reese RUNS OFF ahead. Dewey runs to catch up with Malcolm. DEWEY Mom said to hold hands. MALCOLM She did not say to hold hands. I'm not holding hands, Dewey. DEWEY Come on, hold hands. Please? MALCOLM No! You're in first grade now, you're too big for that. Now come on. (then) Look, I'm walking right next to you. (then) You'll be fine. They walk along for a few moments. Dewey looks at the ground. A few more steps, then; MALCOLM Dammit. Malcolm GRABS DEWEY'S HAND and stomps down the street, dragging Dewey roughly behind him. Dewey smiles. MALCOLM This is why everyone teases you! RICHARD :walks up beside them. RICHARD Hey, Malcolm. MALCOLM (to .camera) kid on the block allowed to play with us. RICHARD So my mom? Was telling my dad last night? About your brother? She said he's in jail?

whe MALCOLM He's not in jail, dipwad. He's at Marlin Academy, it's like one of the best private schools in the country. (to camera) And it‘s totally unfair anyway. Everyone acts like Francis is this big troublemaker, and he's not. FRANCIS Facing camera. In the background, a POLICEMAN has a tight grip on his shoulder. FRANCIS Dad, I know what you're gonna say, and believe me, I agree with you. There's no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic and immature and ... FRANCI Facing camera as before, but now in the background we see a TEENAGE GIRL frantically PULLING HER CLOTHES BACK ON. FRANCIS (continues) totally reckless. I'm really sorry, and I'm just hoping against hope that you'll give me another | chance, which I admit... + ‘but now.insthe: background. we: .WAGON “ENGULFED “IN FLAMES . FRANCIS (continues) I-don't even deserve, but if you can somehow find it on your heart to » I I can earn your “trust back. CUT TO: BACK ON MALCOLM _ MALCOLM (to camera) It's not like it was even our car.

As they round the corner, Richard STOPS SUDDENLY. RICHARD Spath. WN THE EET Half a block ahead. DAVE SPATH, a mean-looking nine year- old, strolls along dangling a SMALLER KID by his shirt collar. An audience of CRONIES watch in amusement. SPATH (to his victim) Okay, here's how it works. You can beg for mercy on your belly, lick the bottom of my shoes, or take a beating. You must pick at least two, but if you take three you get a pass for the next two weeks. That's your best value. Spath's CRONIES CRACK UP. MALCOLM (to camera) Dave Spath. He doesn't get sent anywhere. (to Dewey) We'll try to go around the block. What do you do if he catches you? DEWEY Roll into a ball. MALCOLM What if he starts kicking you? DEWEY MALCOLM Okay. the:boys. "start quietly: CROSSING behind them; CLOSE ON SPATH He stops, narrows his eyes suspiciously. It almost seems like he's sniffing the air. SPATH Wait.

SPATH'S CRONIES SHUT UP. Malcolm, Dewey and Richard FREEZE halfway across the street, praying Spath doesn't turn around. A BEAT. Then; SPATH (shrugs) Never mind. Spath STARTS POUNDING on his victim as our boys RUN OFF in the background, unseen. To: INT. CLASSROOM TER T Malcolm and other FOURTH-GRADERS are seated around tables in Miss Hogan's class, painting various masterpieces with tempera paint. MISS HOGAN is 30, wound way too tight. MISS HOGAN Those of you finished with your tempera paints may bring your work up here and start on your charcoal still- lifes. You may take two pieces of fruit only, and please be careful with them, I bought them with my own money. (bitterly) My own money. MALCOLM'S TABLE As he finishes his painting. Spath sits at a table behind him. A PRETTY GIRL named JULIE sits next to Malcolm. She looks at his work. - JULIE God;::Malcolm. ‘That's so good. iThe -OTHER ‘their: -see Spath look over: resentfully. MALCOLM That's my brothers hanging over the acid pit. : JULIE It's really cool. They smile at each other. Malcolm gets up and takes his painting over to Miss Hogan. Spath picks up a jar of red paint, looks at Malcolm's chair.

MI AN As Malcolm hands her his painting. MISS HOGAN Malcolm, this is wonderful. The perspective is good, the composition is clean, it even shows signs of actual technique. I have to say, this is the high point of my day. (then) How's that for sad? MALCOLM Um, thanks. He takes some fruit and goes back to his chair. The second he sits down, he REACTS to a sudden slippery feeling. He LOOKS DOWN at his chair, then LOOKS UP, HORRIFIED. Behind him, Spath SNICKERS. As Malcolm turns to look at him; JULIE You okay? MALCOLM What? (covering) Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. Malcolm tries to regain his composure as a SIXTH-GRADER comes into the class and hands Miss Hogan a note. MISS HOGAN Malcolm? MALCOLM Yes? MISS HOGAN |. “They want ‘you in the office. MALCOLM Okay. ‘MALCOLM DOESN'T MOVE. MISS HOGAN I think they mean right now. MALCOLM Okay. HE STILL DOESN'T MOVE. Julie looks at him, concerned. Some of the other kids start GIGGLING. Then;

MISS HOGAN Get up, Malcolm. PAUSE. Malcolm looks at Julie, then at Spath. Then he grits his teeth and STANDS UP. He HEADS FOR THE DOOR, and we see HIS ASS IS SOAKED IN BRIGHT RED PAINT. The class dissolves in hoots of LAUGHTER. INT. HOOL HALLWAY Malcolm stomps off down the hallway, head down, fists clenched, his bright red rear-end waving like a flag. INT. OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER Where CAROLINE MILLER, a 40-ish earth-mother type, sits behind a desk. MALCOLM ENTERS. He's still fuming. CAROLINE Hi, I'm Caroline. Are you Malcolm? MALCOLM (angrily) Yes. And I didn't do anything. CAROLINE Oh. Oh. Good. Glad to hear it. You're not in any trouble, Malcolm. You're here because some of your teachers think you... Look, I just want to play some games with you - puzzles, things like that, okay? -MALCOLM Why? CAROLINE Boy, ‘you are a suspicious little ‘do this for me. .I know you like puzzles. ‘She picks up.a large: card with a drawing on it. . CAROLINE You can look at this picture for sixty seconds, and then I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it. She sticks it in Malcolm's face.

i. MALCOLM (after a few seconds) The man only has four fingers. CAROLINE Right. But I want you to take your time and really look -- Malcolm pushes the card away and looks directly at her. MALCOLM (with building anger) The car's shadow is going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the guy's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he's looking at a sunset, and I have red paint all over my ass! That's right! Red Paint! On my ass! Caroline stares at him, completely at a loss, as we; FADE OUT:

13 ACT Tw FADE IN: EXT. KENARBAN _H E_- TERN THE FRONT As it SWINGS OPEN and MRS. KENARBAN, a housewife of the pert/pretty/perky variety, breaks into a sunny smile. MRS. KENARBAN Malcolm, hi! ON MALCOLM Freshly scrubbed, hair combed in a neat part. LOIS STANDS BEHIND HIM WITH HER ARMS CROSSED, blocking any escape. MALCOLM Hi, Mrs. Kenarban. MRS. KENARBAN Come in, come in. Stevie is so happy about you coming over today. (to Lois) Oh, hi. Would you like to come in? LOIS No thanks, I have errands to run. (smiles) I was just making sure he didn't get lost on the way over. Malcolm looks back at his mom as the DOOR SWINGS SHUT. CUT TQ: :a staring blankly at “STEVIE, :who..sits his.wheelchair.chewing.-and staring «back vat him. look like an.owl. He needs. each word, “which makes him talk very... very... slowly. A LONG SILENCE. Then; MALCOLM | These are good cookies. STEVIE Yeah... They're... good. Malcolm nods. Another SILENCE. Then;

So, what can you do? MALCOLM you want to do? I mean, what do STEVIE I... know... a... joke. MALCOLM Yeah? Okay. STEVIE This... guy... has... three... days... to... live... so... his... wife.. says... he.. can... do... anything... MALCOLM (jumping in) Anything he wants? STEVIE ... he... wants... as... long. as... he... promises...... (then) Wait... I... screwed... up. (then) This... guy... has... one... day... to... live... MALCOLM (quickly) You wanna watch Tv? STEVIE Can't. Not... allowed. MALCOLM (stunned) What,. you.mean -ever? Mom... says... TV... stupid. STEVIE (nods) MALCOLM makes... ‘you... No, TV makes you normal. (to camera) How can they do that? wheelchair. (to Stevie) He's ina So what do you do all day? Homework? Mostly... STEVIE read... comic... books. 14

MALCOLM You have comic books? Stevie wheels over to a closet and OPENS THE DOOR. Inside are BOXES FILLED WITH HUNDREDS OF COMIC BOOKS, neatly organized with folder tabs. Malcolm is blown away. MALCOLM Whoa... {reads folder) You really have Youngblood number one? Stevie nods. Malcolm carefully takes it out of the box, looks at it through its glassine envelope. STEVIE Wanna... read... it? MALCOLM What? No way, I'd wreck it. (puts it back) Did you read the last Savage Dragon, when they split him in two? STEVIE (smiles) Yeah... brilliant. MALCOLM I like how he never has to learn a lesson or anything, he just gets to pound on everyone. (then) . Oh, Did you hear what they're doing to Spiderman next year? They're changing his costume - again - and... “The boys continue talking .happily as we; TO: ANT... SATURDAY MORNING IN THE MALCOLM, REESE, AND DEWEY ARE SPRAWLED ON THE SOFA IN THEIR UNDERWEAR, watching a VIOLENT CARTOON. Reese has a bowl of cereal on his chest. Dewey's head is on Malcolm's stomach. They are the picture of contented sloth. MALCOLM {to camera) Saturday morning is the only thing my family does better than anyone else. 15

. Cs THE LAUNDRY ROOM Lois stands with her BACK TO CAMERA, hovering over the dryer. SHE IS TOPLESS, in a half-slip and panty-hose. A UNIFORM hangs by the door. She checks her watch, then takes a bra out of the dryer and holds it to her cheek. LOIS Damn. She tosses her bra back in the dryer, goes to the refrigerator, looks in. LOIS (calls) You boys keep this house clean till your dad gets home. Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch, and the other one can have some - I don't know, I think they're peas. (then) And no Nintendo, you're still on punishment. THE F. Y Ri REESE (calls) We won't. Reese looks at Malcolm, “Is she kidding?" The TELEPHONE RINGS. LOIS (0.8) Somebody get that! (together) “Not it. rolls -over, picks up MALCOLM Hello? INTERCUT ~ PAY PHONE FRANCIS is in a dormitory common room. He now sports a military style crew-cut. He's puffing A CIGARETTE and . blowing the smoke out the window. Behind him, MANLY YOUNG CADETS do PUSH-UPS and LIFT BARBELLS while the TV PLAYS.

FRANCIS (grins) Young master Malcolm. MALCOLM (excited) Francis, hi. Reese and Dewey JUMP UP and JOSTLE OVER THE PHONE with Malcolm. FRANCIS Look, I only have three minutes. I wrote you guys a really long letter. ‘Put the Special Prosecutor on, okay? MALCOLM (calls) Mom, it's Francis. The boys STAY ON THE LINE as LOIS PICKS UP. LOIS Hey, honey. How's school? FRANCIS Couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer. Between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around. LOIS It's just until summer, honey. “Listen, “put can "you. my. allowance: a. -couple ‘weeks early? I -- : LOIS Oh my God, are you smoking? FRANCIS What? LOIS You're smoking, I can hear you smoking. You're smoking, aren't you? FRANCIS ‘No, I'm not smoking. Geez. 27

18 LOIS f After seeing the hell your dad and I ih went through to quit? Didn't any of that register with you? (then) T'il talk to your dad about the money. Maybe we can send part of it, okay? I have to go, I'm late for work. I'll call you later, honey. FRANCIS Thanks, mom. As Lois starts to put the phone down; ON FRANCIS li FRANCIS . Love you. He hears a CLICK. He shrugs, HANGS UP. QN LOTS She quickly PICKS THE PHONE BACK UP. LOIS I love you. Too late. She HANGS BACK UP. ON_THE BOY: THE PHONE DOWN. ‘They sit silently for a moment. Then; : REESE “He lucky. -MALCOLM i . I know. ‘We never and he to be in Alabama. DEWEY Is Alabama nice? MALCOLM (annoyed) Look it up, Dewey. It's got Sequoyah ( Caverns, the Alabama Space and Rocket ( Center, the biggest cast-iron statue in the world... plus it's right next to Florida, where Disney World is.

a =- hal DEWEY I bet he goes to Disney World all the time. REESE (pokes Dewey) Hey moron, he's fifteen, he doesn't do kid stuff. He goes to parties and drinks beer, and goes skiing. MALCOLM (pokes Reese) Right, genius, they do lots of skiing in Alabama. REESE (shoves Malcolm) Shut up. MALCOLM (shoves back) Make me. Reese THROWS A HEADLOCK ON MALCOLM. The BOYS TUMBLE OFF TEE SOFA and CRASH INTO THE COFFEE TABLE. LAUNDRY ROO As Lois takes her bra out of the dryer again. . LOIS (calls) You'd better not be fighting in there. Reese? Malcolm? I said you'd better not be -- . “The DOORBELL .RINGS.. LOIS “For God's sake. (calls) Malcolm! OUTSIDE HOUSE Where CAROLINE MILLER waits at the front door. She looks around, RINGS THE DOORBELL again. After a moment, the DOOR iS THROWN OPEN by an exasperated, and STILL TOPLESS Lois. LOIS Yes? Can I help you? 19

CAROLINE (thrown) Uh... Hi. Hello. Are you...? I'm, uh, Caroline. Caroline Miller. LOIS Am I supposed to know that name? CAROLINE I'm from Malcolm's school. I, I sent you some letters, and left messages on your machine. LOIS Okay, fine. You caught me. What do you want? CAROLINE Well, it's been three weeks and you haven't responded, and it's really important, I mean, for Malcolm's sake, that the parents be as involved as... LOIS So you're here to insult my parenting skills? CAROLINE What? No, I'm sure you're a terrific parent. In the background behind LOIS, we see MALCOLM and REESE ROLLING ON THE FLOOR IN THEIR UNDERWEAR, PUNCHING EACH OTHER as DEWEY FOLLOWS BEHIND, KICKING THEM. CAROLINE there's ‘a ‘Could you, you know, “maybe put a top ion? LOIS They're just..boobs, lady. You see ‘em the -mirror -every morning, and I'm sure yours are.a lot nicer than mine. CAROLINE That's not what I'm -- LOIS And I'll tell you something else. [I didn't “respond” to you because it's a ~. load of crap. You're not gonna stick my Malcolm in some Special Ed class. o>

= CAROLINE But -- LOIS Why do you people have to label everyone? Malcolm may be a little strange, and I know he never shuts up, but that doesn't make him disturbed. He's a good boy. CAROLINE No, you don't understand. Could I just come in for a minute? I'11 explain everything. Please? Lois looks at her for a second, then steps aside. CAROLINE GOES IN the house, we: END OF ACT TwO As FADE QUT:

ACT THREE I FADE I IN K HEN - THAT a THE FAMILY is at the table. Hal and the boys are SHOVING DOWN DINNER at warp speed. We hear CLATTERING UTENSILS and CHEWING and GULPING NOISES. Lois sits with a cup of coffee, waiting. The RACKET CONTINUES until, almost in unison, they DROP THEIR FORKS and push EMPTY PLATES away. HAL (mouth full) S'good, hon. The boys GRUNT THEIR AGREEMENT and they all get up. es . - LOIs Wait. We have something to talk about. HAL (confused) I thought we weren't going to mention Aunt Helen till after the biopsy. oad LOIS It's not that. It's about Malcolm. MALCOLM (instantly) I didn't do it. ' REESE (same) did, I «saw ‘them a:look SHUT UP. . LOIS from by. “She ‘said she did-some tests with him, (drops the ‘bomb) Malcolm has an IQ of one hundréd and sixty-five. BEAT. They all look at her blankly. _ LOIS (4 (annoyed) ee | ~ Which means he's a genius and he's going to go to special class.

MALCOLM (horrified) What? HAL Malcolm is special? In a good way? LOIS They have a separate program for gifted children that has advanced textbooks, and special teachers, and all kinds of good things they don't want to waste on normal kids. (smiles to Malcolm) You start on Monday. REESE (dismayed) You're gonna put him in Krelboyne class? MALCOLM Mom, no. I don't want to. LOIS What are you talking about? Of course you do. MALCOLM No. I want to stay in my own class. I don't want to be a Krelboyne. REESE Mom, seriously. Krelboynes get their butts kicked. “LOIS \there.. wrong with being.smart. wrong with being cut from the herd. .It-makes.-you the. one buffalo that isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff. MALCOLM (to camera) Huh? (then) Mom, this isn't fair. If I don't want to go, why do I have to? : LOIS . Because it isn't just up to you. We have to do what's best for you. 23

DEWEY Is Malcolm going to Alabama? LOIS Of course not. And stop playing with yourself. MALCOLM Mom, please. Don't make me. Please! wat Malcolm, calm down. MALCOLM But it isn't fair! b LOIS Of course it's not fair. It's the first time anyone in this family's ever been given an edge, and you're not going to waste it. MALCOLM (pleading) Dad? ee) LOIS Honey? Hal looks at them both uncomfortably. ! : (to Lois) Look, honey, maybe if... (to Malcolm) Malcolm, if you just : mever any iced ‘tea in ‘morning .and it's gone by ‘the time I get ‘MALCOLM : (starts to cry) a better family. Malcolm RUNS OFF. ' LOIS Malcolm... : (then - to Hal) } -. Go get yogurt. nN

Lois FOLLOWS MALCOLM OUT of the kitchen. INT. MALCOLM'S_R = F. TES LATER Malcolm is lying on his bed, still crying. LOIS COMES IN. She sits next to him, RUBS HIS BACK for a while. Then; MALCOLM Mom, I don't want to go to special class. People think I'm weird enough i : . already. { 1 LOIS I know. MALCOLM } _ I like where I am. I want to stay. | LOIS That's because you don't understand the world yet. Sweetie, life doesn't give you a lot of chances to move up, even if you deserve it. Just look at a, your dad and me. (pets his head) Malcolm, I'm proud of you. boys are so lucky, you have so many gifts other kids don’t have. And I don't just mean Stevie Kenarban, either. Look at the Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but honest to god, they're the ugliest . little boys ever born. They look like ffi: ‘boiled beets. Don't you. think? LOIS that i velectrocuted trying ‘to get free cable? - smart could they be? -your- friend ‘Richard? : MALCOLM He's not ugly or dumb. LOIS Yes, but he's very effeminate. CN (softly) Just remember. Any kid that makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash.

PAUSE. Then; MALCOLM (to camera) This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does. Lois gets up, heads for the door. LOIS (smiles) You'll be okay, sweetie. If you don't make a big deal out of it, no one else will. curt TO: INT. CLASSROOM ~ A COUPLE DAYS LATER MISS HOGAN stands behind Malcolm as she talks to the class. Malcolm looks ill. MISS HOGAN - And I just can't say enough about how proud I am of Malcolm getting into the gifted program. (then) Now, I'm sure some of the more small- Minded among you are picturing all the great things Malcolm will have that we never will, and thinking, "We deserve that as much as he does." Well, guess what? We don't. Malcolm may not look different than the rest of us, but he is. Very different. In his brain. And I think he deserves some recognition for. that. : -APPLAUDS,--gestures “They do, -half-heartedly, except for SPATH, who CLAPS “ENTHUSIASTICALLY -with.a face. looks over.at. JULIE. She looks back at him. JULIE Bye.” Malcolm BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS. We; MATCH CUT TO: INT. SPECTAL CLASS - LATER Malcolm STILL HAS HIS FACE BURIED IN HIS HANDS.

CAROLINE (0.S.) Today we start a new unit on the Peloponnesian war. I think everyone's really gonna like it. ...Malcolm? WIDEN TQ REVEAL Malcolm's new classroom. It's a lot nicer than his old one. Malcolm sits next to Stevie. As Malcolm looks up: CAROLINE You okay? A class full of EXTREMELY WEIRD KIDS IS STARING AT MALCOLM. They look like they'd be more at home in a Fellini movie. MALCOLM Uh, yeah. Fine. Caroline turns away. The KIDS CONTINUE TO STARE AT HIM. After.a moment; MALCOLM Stop staring at me. The kids reluctantly TURN BACK to their studies. MALCOLM (to. Stevie) Why do they keep doing that? STEVIE You're... new. MALCOLM (getting worked up) freak ‘of the “freak «show? oe “A KID with ERASERHEAD-TYPE HAIR and tiny eyes leans over. ERASERHEAD Pi to fifty places, mark-set-go. (rapid-fire) Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine- two-six-five~three-five-eight-nine -- MALCOLM Turn away, or I swear to God I'll kill you. Eraserhead.shrugs and turns away. 27

STEVIE Just... chill... out. MALCOLM Don't tell me to chill out, you chill out. No one can live like this. STEVIE I'm... okay. MALCOLM Oh sure, you're okay because it doesn't make any difference to you! You've always been a freak. But IL used to be normal! (then - to camera) Wait. Who just said that? {to Stevie) You're gonna take that the wrong way, aren't you? STEVIE You... suck. Stevie turns his back to Malcolm. Malcolm has no idea what to do. CUT. TO: EXT. LYARD - LE It's lunch time. All the KIDS are outside, eating. MALCOLM sits at a table by himself, angrily chewing a sandwich. bs CAMERA GOE NV) kids “PERFECTLY CIRCULAR -him. BACK ON ‘MALCOLM _ (to camera - grim) Around here being smart is exactly like being radioactive. ‘AME, GOE A N As Malcolm SHIFTS POSITION a few inches, then SHIFTS BACK. THE “ZONE OF AVOIDANCE" MOVES WITH HIM.

29 | BACK ON MALCOLM | MALCOLM | | (to camera) ; Nothing that happens to me is ever i fair. He looks across the yard and sees; TEVIE | Sitting by himself with his lunch on his lap. BACK ON MALCOLM Feeling guilty. He thinks for a moment. Then he picks up his lunch bag and starts WALKING OVER to Stevie. MALCOLM | | (to camera) I can't believe I'm doing this... (then) | ‘ Stevie? Stevie looks up, surprised. wee \ a, STEVIE i): : What? Malcolm hesitates, sees all the other kids looking at him. MALCOLM it Look, I... I... - i Just then, an EMPTY MILK CARTON sails through the air and a MALCOLM''S As the. -kids “LAUGH, Malcolm | “laughing: and: skinning palms ith his: HIS LUNCH ‘BAG, blind rage. “MALCOLM (yells) Hey .Spath, why don't stop being such an -assh ? SILENCE. Everyone looks at Malcolm, stunned. Malcolm looks around, equally stunned. After a moment, Spath smiles. He has his excuse. He gets to his feet. . . SPATH What'd you call me? le

MALCOLM You heard me. I don't care any more, Spath. Okay? I just don't care. All you ever do is make everybody miserable, except for your little monkey-slaves, who by the way only pretend to like you. They hate you as much as everyone else does, and you're just too busy being mean and stupid to ever figure it out. (to camera) I keep trying to run but my legs won't work (then) Mom was right. They are important. SPATH (to his cronies) Wow... I don't know about you, but the really hurt my feelings. | The CRONIES LAUGH as Spath saunters over. At the same time, STEVIE ROLLS UP behind Malcoln. STEVIE Hey... MALCOLM (quickly) Go away, Stevie. Stevie stops. Spath glances over at Stevie. Then; _.. SPATH a (to Malcolm - quietly) It's good:you two are friends. ‘He | temind:sharing. Then; MALCOLM ; (to camera) Okay... ‘This: finally something «good. happens,...so:we're gonna «slow ‘down and make it last as long as possible. As Malcolm turns back to face Spath, we; GO SLOW MOTION Spath starts to bring up his fists. Malcolm looks around ‘ desperately, then grabs a PUDDING CUP AND SHOVES IT IN bi SPATH'S FACE. It BURSTS OPEN, covering Spath's face with goo. As SPATH STAGGERS BACK;

MALCOLM Stands there a moment, amazed. Then he realizes this is his chance and TURNS TO RUN as; PATH Scrapes pudding from his eyes with one hand and REACHES OUT with the other as; MALC Gets about a step before SPATH CATCHES HIM BY THE SHIRT and SPINS HIM AROUND and; SPATH Takes a WILD, BLIND SWING at Malcolm, who manages to DUCK the blow, which sends Spath STUMBLING with his fist out, right into; STEVIE Who has no time to move out of the way as; SPAT! Sees where he's headed and TRIES TO STOP but can't and; ALL THE OTHER KID: Stare in horror as; SPATH'S FIS' _Just barely, .barely.-TAPS..Stevie on the..chin. ©“ BACK TO As ALL THE KIDS GASP. Malcolm turns Spath looking at. .HIS:-CRONIES pipes up; CRONY Dude... You cripple. ON_STEVIE He looks around, realizes what's going on. He locks eyes with Malcolm for an instant, then TIPS HIS OWN WHEELCHAIR OVER. It falls to the ground with a CRASH. More GASPS from the crowd.

= 32 | SPATH No, I wasn't trying to... I mean, come on, I wouldn't... The kids all aAD- LIB THEIR DISGUST at Spath and rush to HELP STEVIE BACK UP. KID | ' (running off) | I'm telling. ANOTHER KID (same) ' Me too. | SPATH But I didn't mean... Stevie, I'm sorry! the other kids CROWDING AROUND STEVIE. HE GROANS THEATRICALLY as they put him back in his chair and i dust him off. Then he looks over at Malcolm and breaks into a GIANT, SHIT-EATING GRIN. Malcolm smiles back as we: CUT TO: C7 MALCOLM'S HOUSE -_AF' It's a beautiful day. We hear BIRDS CHIRPING. Malcolm is out in his driveway. He has a length of rope in his hands. MALCOLM | (to camera) : ++. So then the Principal comes out, | “os : and. everyone's all talking at once, ‘and: the ‘story he puts :together is {| owe his lunch, : in “to defend him. ‘Tt-was ‘beautiful. (then) | Okay, funny ‘when Spath i Started crying. | (then) it was. Malcolm looks over at the base of a tree, where SOME ‘BIRDS are busy grabbing tufts from A LARGE MOUND OF BODY. HAIR. MALCOLM Is that gross, or cool? (then) guess you work with what they give you.

| i | | Malcolm goes behind his dad's car and TIES THE ROPE TO THE BACK BUMPER. MALCOLM Like having to go to special I just gotta figure a way to make it okay. It's weird though, finding out I'm a genius. He ties the other end of the rope tightly AROUND HIS CHEST. Off-camera we hear the FRONT DOOR OPEN. MALCOLM i My mom says people like me owe the ¢ rest of the world something. But I don't think that's fair. It’s not like I asked to be super-intelligent. Malcolm grabs his SKATEBOARD and CROUCHES behind the car as HAL comes around the front and GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL. He doesn't see Malcolm. MALCOLM But I'm not gonna let it bother me. Hey, I'm just a kid. Things can only oy, get better. He gives us a thumbs-up as HAL STARTS THE ENGINE and we; THE END 33